


why can't we be friends?

by fantasize



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Benvi, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Humor, Loneliness, Multi, Post-Canon, Self-deprecating humor, also hints at some development regarding his absent as fuck parents, bexton, dr. ryan is his therapist, felt like doing a deep-dive into ben's character, i honestly want to see him making friends and getting therapy cause the boy needs both, ik the relationship tags makes it seem like a orgy but i stg it's NOT, jk lol, platonic female-male friendship goodness, so this was born, started off as a 5+1 fic, this idea came to me in a dream, turned into this mess, yes one of the friendships turns romantic (guess which one it's pretty obv), you guessed it right it's bexton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 57,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25576093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantasize/pseuds/fantasize
Summary: He drops his pencil, bending back in his chair to admire the final list.Ben’s Future Friends:(goes from most challenging to least)1. Devi Vishwakumar2. Paxton Hall-Yoshida3. Eleanor Wong4. Fabiola Torres5. Eve Sitzman“Oh my god,” He breathes out, just now letting reality sink in. “I have to become friends with these people?!”after an embarrassing meltdown in his ap english class, ben ends up as one of dr. ryan's many therapy patients. in pursuit of trying to cure his crippling loneliness, he's told to make a list of five people he wants to befriend by the end of senior year. as he starts from the fifth person and climbs his way up to the first, he learns a lot about the difficult art of befriending people... who, well,hateyou.[or alternatively known as: five people ben befriends, and the one person he finds something more with.]
Relationships: Ben Gross & Devi Vishwakumar, Ben Gross & Eleanor Wong, Ben Gross & Eve (Never Have I Ever), Ben Gross & Fabiola Torres, Ben Gross & Paxton Hall-Yoshida, Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar, Ben Gross/Paxton Hall-Yoshida, Eve (Never Have I Ever)/Fabiola Torres
Comments: 116
Kudos: 108





	1. i'm so alone, nothing feels like home

**Author's Note:**

> yes, the title is inspired by the song hehe.
> 
> hi!
> 
> this idea literally came to me in a dream. the idea of ben getting therapy from dr. ryan, him making a list of five people he has to befriend by the end of high school to solve his loneliness, everything. even though this fic takes place after canon, ben is the same cocky, devi-hater we see in the beginning episodes of nhie, but he is a total softie on the inside. everyone else just knows him as that one annoying, rich, smart kid who thinks everyone is below him, which is why they're so apprehensive when he tries to befriend them at first.
> 
> devi is in india for the beginning chapters, but there are plentiful mentions of her and malibu even before she returns. (yes there is a plentiful of benvi in the second half don't worry)
> 
> this story is basically a love letter to ben gross and the potential his character's development has. i just want to see him making friends and working on his issues, esp with his parents in the next season (please give it to me). 
> 
> updates will be irregular, but within every two to four days. everything is prewritten (except the last chapter atm), so don't worry about me leaving this incomplete!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He stares outside his car window, unamused. There, in big lettering, says Sherman Oaks Therapy Heals Counselling Services. It mocks him, screams at him, and just reading the words, seeing it, and sitting inside a car in the parking lot right in front of the building makes his gut stir._
> 
> _Get therapy, they said. You have problems, they said. Ben knows he doesn’t need therapy, because he has money, and money is supposed to equal happiness, yet now he is being forced to hear a middle aged rando lecture him on how to live his life._
> 
> _“Should I walk you inside?” Patty asks excitedly, but he shakes his head, muttering a ‘drive home safe’ as he escapes the car as fast as he can. All he needs is for this day to be over as fast as it started._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've always thought about what it would be like if dr. ryan became ben's therapist post-canon (because... boy needs some counselling) and so voila! consider this like a prologue of some sort. 
> 
> i think ben and devi are similar in many ways, and one specific thing they share in common is that they tend to push away their negative emotions sometimes? and so i made ben deflect his loneliness (and his absent parents but we deal with that in later chapters) like devi avoided talking about her dad in sessions with dr. ryan, except ben is a little better at dealing with things (and not asking his therapist to buy him a thong... looking at you devi). 
> 
> ben in the beginning is also apprehensive to therapy (i feel like some kids just think that they don't need it or aren't 'depressed' enough to need it, when therapy is actually for everyone and can be very helpful). i just feel like he'd be that type of guy who thinks getting therapy is embarrassing (especially since he believes he's too privileged to be needing it) but then learns to love it.
> 
> *yes, i gave eve a last name, i made ben's past two friends jerks, and trent moves to another school (i actually wanted to make him as the first one ben befriends, but there wasn't any bridge between him and fab i could find, so...)*
> 
> this chapter is the shortest out of all of them (devi's chap is so fucking long my god... you'll have to wait for that one tho hehe) anyways, enjoy! as usual i do not get things beta-ed so if you see any grammatical mistakes, forgive me <3

Ben Gross is lonely.

Lonely: to be sad because one has no friends or company.

Or: without companions, solitary.

Or: unfrequented and remote.

Somehow, he is all of them, all of those definitions combined, and it’s really starting to get the best of him.

He stares outside his car window, unamused. There, in big lettering, says _Sherman Oaks Therapy Heals Counselling Services._ It mocks him, screams at him, and just reading the words and _seeing_ it and _sitting_ in a car in the parking lot right in _front_ of the building makes his gut stir.

_Get therapy,_ they said. _You have problems,_ they said. Ben knows he doesn’t need therapy, because he has money, and money is supposed to equal happiness, yet now he is being forced to hear a middle aged _rando_ lecture him on how to live his life.

“Should I walk you inside?” Patty asks excitedly, but he shakes his head, muttering a ‘drive home safe’ while escaping the car as fast as he can. All he needs is for this day to be over as fast as it started.

He trudges inside, opening the door to see tons of people (notably teens) sitting in the front lobby. All of them have solemn, depressed looks on their faces, and the only thing Ben can think of right now is how much he _doesn’t_ belong here. 

“Hello? How may I help you?” The lady at the front asks, with a huge smile on her face. 

Unsettled by how big her grin is (I mean, what exactly is amusing here?), he braces himself before shutting the door behind him. “Uh, I have an appointment?”

“May I have your name please?”

“Ben Gross,” He mutters, super quietly so that no one around him will hear it. God forbid someone finds out that the richest kid in the area is getting therapy. 

From behind him, he can hear someone chewing their gum very loudly, and it peeves him. 

“Okay, Dr. Ryan is ready for you.”

The girl who’s chewing her gum looks up from her phone, and Ben musters a smile when their eyes meet (because that’s the polite thing to do), but she sneers at him, slapping the gum with her tongue. Instead of being pissed, he's more shocked at the fact that there is, in fact, somebody out there that’s possibly more rude than Devi Vishwakumar (speaking of the devil herself, he hopes that he never stumbles upon her in this clinic, because if he doesn’t want to end his life now, her finding out he’s getting therapy from _her_ therapist would probably make her want to end it for him).

He groans before turning around and entering Dr. Ryan’s office.

_Wow,_ he thinks, scanning the room as he steps in. _It’s pretty cool in here._

“Hello! I try to make it cozy here, to make my patients feel comfortable.” The lady (who he assumes to be Dr. Ryan) speaks, leaning against her chair. Being referred to as a patient makes Ben uneasy, because he doesn’t think he needs help in the first place, but he sucks it up and takes a seat in front of her.

“So, Benjamin-”

“Just call me Ben, please.” He corrects curtly, and Dr. Ryan looks at him warily, but nods. 

" _Ben_ Gross _._ How are you feeling?”

He wonders what to tell her, because if he's being honest, he doesn’t know what he’s feeling at the moment (other than humiliation). “I don't know. Normal?”

“Normal? Really?”

“Yep. Look, can I be honest with you?” 

“Yes, please.”

“I don't need to be here. I’m perfectly fine. Just because I slipped up once in front of a guidance counselor doesn't mean that I'm depressed.” Ben says, confidently, because he’s unsure about a lot of things in his life, but one thing he definitely knows is that he does not need therapy.

“Well, according to my notes, you told your guidance counselor that you wanted to _kill yourself._ ” Dr. Ryan says, quite bluntly.

The reason Ben is here, sitting in Dr. Ryan’s office, is actually because of that incident.

A week ago, he had broken down while presenting in AP English (the topic skimmed through the debilitating effects of loneliness, and clearly it didn't settle well with Ben, who had spent his entire life trying to ignore how alone he was), and so he’d been sent to the guidance office, where they proceeded to bombard him with a bunch of questions about his life that made him _very_ uncomfortable.

So, in the heat of the moment, he'd let his mind get the better of his mouth, and he yelled out, at the top of his voice, that he wanted to _kill himself._

Whether those thoughts were true… well, Ben still doesn’t know. He does know, however, that if he did kill himself, no one would really care, and that knowledge isn’t very helpful.

“Slip up! I swear… Look, I'm rich, I'm handsome. Why would I be sad?” He argues, leaning forward in his seat, and he’s trying to convince himself in the process. Since he was young, all he'd ever been taught was that only poor people get sad, because they had every reason to be sad. People with money, however, should be happy, because complaining about how sucky your life is inside your multi-million dollar mansion isn’t really… a good look?

“Okay. Name one negative emotion you're feeling right now.” Dr. Ryan commands, before taking a sip from her thermos.

“Ugh…” Ben groans, but he stiffens when she continues to stare at him expectantly. “Fine. Lonely.”

“Why don't we talk about that?”

“What’s there to clarify? I don’t have friends. Boohoo. Other people have it way worse,” He mumbles, already feeling drained, because admitting he doesn’t have friends takes a lot of energy out of him. It feels like a punch to the gut, to hear the words out in the air.

“Why do you think you don’t have friends?”

Ben finds this question a bit offensive, because how would he know? He doesn’t feel like pointing out his flaws, so he grits his teeth as he prepares some lie. “Because I'm too good for them. Because I’m rich, and handsome-”

“Try again.” She stops him, with an unconvinced expression on her face. Damn, she’s too good at this.

“Fine. Sometimes, I can be a little… cocky. Or arrogant. And sometimes people don't like it when I namedrop celebs. But I don't really know why-”

“Have you ever thought about making new friends?”

Ben pauses, because he’s never actually… considered it. The idea of making new friends is scary, especially considering how everyone thinks he’s some cocky, white, rich dude who’s annoying and probably a Republican (really, only the first three are true). 

“I've never thought about it… why would you plan something like that? Aren't friends supposed to come to you?”

“That’s not how it works. You have to put some effort into it too! Okay, have you had any notable friends in your life so far?”

“Yes. Brian and Garrett… they were my homies, but only until high school. Cause, y’know, they go to a different high school now.”

“Okay. Good news! Do you still talk to them?”

Ben thinks back to the beginning of freshman year, when they’d blocked him on Instagram, and swallows dryly. “No.”

Dr. Ryan’s smile falls into a frown. “Why not?”

“Because they have new friends now.” Ben wants to hit himself because of how bad he’s gotten at lying. He still doesn't know what he did to deserve that block, but thinking about it makes him sad, so he never wastes time wondering why.

“Okay.” Dr. Ryan says, sounding unconvinced, but she doesn’t press on the matter. “Anyone else?”

There is someone else that pops up in his mind, but her existence in its entirety is so confusing to him it pisses him off, so much so that he ponders whether he should come clean about her in the first place. “Uh… Devi. But only for a month.” He admits nervously, looking down at the table.

“Devi?” Dr. Ryan asks, with wide eyes.

“Don't pretend that you don’t know her. How much did she tell you about me?” Ben questions, embarrassed thinking about what had transpired between them during that one month, and how she’d probably ratted her mouth to Dr. Ryan in the midst of it.

“I'm not allowed to tell you what she told me during our therapy sessions. It’s a violation of conduct.” She says, but at Ben’s glare, she backs down. “I won't tell you anything specific, but… not very good things.”

Usually, Ben would be miffed that she’s been talking smack about him, but he’s more relieved that she hasn't told her all about their kiss. “So, she never told you about Malibu in sophomore year?”

“What about it? Spreading her dad’s ashes? Yeah. She said someone helped her but never specified who- oh my god. Was that you?”

Dammit. How did she even… “Maybe?” He chokes out. So much for trying to lie.

“Okay, listen, if you could befriend your enemy for a while, then why not again?” Dr. Ryan proposes, as if it’s something easy, to be friends with Devi, but it’s not, because it’s _Devi_ in question. She’s wishy-washy, stubborn, hotheaded, and confusing. If he can successfully become friends with her again, and for good, he’s convinced he can fly to the moon with a hot air balloon. Who is he kidding, both are impossible.

“No.” He simply answers, and Dr. Ryan sighs, but doesn’t probe him further. (He’s noticed she backs off easily, and is secretly grateful for that)

“Okay. Here's the plan. I want you to make a list of five people to befriend by the end of the year. They should all be people you know, and order them from easiest difficulty to most challenging. I want that list in my hands by our next session.”

“No! I can’t do that!” Ben gasps, and his heart starts to pound faster, because the idea gives him so much anxiety that it’s unbearable. 

“Ben. Loneliness is one of the only things that can’t be cured by our sole selves. We need to reach out to others to help us. So will you do this? Think of it as another challenge in your life. The Ben Gross I’ve heard of is not a quitter.”

At the compliment, Ben takes a deep breath, suppressing a grin. “Okay… fine.”

“That’s my boy,” She says, with a smile on her face, and her sweet words make Ben feel warm on the inside. “Well, looks like my time with you is up.”

“Wait!” Ben exclaims. “Can I just know what Devi’s told you about me? She's probably twisted everything to make me sound like some bully but she’s told me way worse-”

“Out.” Dr. Ryan commands, and he slumps. It was worth the try.

* * *

Ben clicks his tongue, twirling a flimsy mechanical pencil with his fingers.

“Ugh!” He groans, letting his head fall onto the blank paper in front of him. Why is this so hard?

Choosing five people that he has to befriend in a semester’s time- less than five months- is admittedly more difficult than he thought it was hours ago. He’s determining his fate- and if he wants to succeed, because Ben Gross never fails- he needs to choose carefully.

“Start from the easiest,” He whispers to himself, steadying his pencil above the paper.

He tries to think of someone he knows, but who knows him less. Someone he hasn’t known since kindergarten, but only high school. This way, it’s easier to change whatever negative perception they must have of him, because they’ve known him for less time, which means he’s gotten less opportunities to piss them off.

Maybe someone he has something in common with? 

A blonde pixie cut buzzes through his thoughts, and he gasps in realization.

He grips his pencil tighter, scribbling her name next to the number five in his messy handwriting.

**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ **

She is in his first period class, so it's more convenient. In retrospect, he has something in common with her, and it’s the fact that they’re both Jewish. Only having done _one_ group project with her, he knows barely anything else about the girl to point out any other similarities. He does know, however, that she’s dating Fabiola Torres, one of Devi’s best friends. 

That is the sole challenge- the fact that she’s Fabiola’s girlfriend, because god knows what she’s told Eve about him. 

Wait.

What if he makes friends with Fabiola next? If he successfully befriends Eve, then it shouldn’t take much time to befriend her girlfriend.

And so with that thought, Ben smiles confidently, writing the next name on his list.

**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ **

He decides to move up from here like he’s climbing a ladder, trying to find bridges and gaps between the people he’ll become friends with. If fourth is Fabiola, the only logical choice for three is…

**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ **

He pauses then, shaking his head. _What the hell?_ He’s going to befriend the nerd clique he’s had beef with for the past twelve years of his life? Why doesn’t he choose some random girl that sits next to him in math class?

_They must be people you already know,_ Dr. Ryan’s voice booms in his head like a constant reminder; the sad reminder that he doesn’t know anyone else.

Observing how everyone on his list so far is a girl, he thinks about what boy he’d befriend instead.

Brian and Garrett aren’t options anymore.

It’s then that Ben realizes how depressingly lonely he is, because he barely knows any boys, and the guys that he does kind of know (like Eric or Oliver) don’t seem interesting enough to befriend. Plus, he doesn’t feel like redoing his list and putting them as the easiest option to befriend, so he searches for someone more challenging, challenging enough to be deserving of the second spot.

Oh! He knows just the right guy.

**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ **

It’s a reach, and the boy doesn’t even go to their high school anymore, since he’d graduated last year (Trent doesn’t go to Sherman Oaks anymore either, but if he did, Ben would put him as fifth for sure). Deep down inside, he’s always been jealous of Paxton (nothing to do with Devi, of course, and how she’d left Ben in the car at Malibu for this boy), and so he wonders if it's possible to become his friend. He seems interesting, mysterious, perfect- and maybe he can bump himself up a bit on the popularity scale by associating himself with someone like Paxton.

_Not impossible_ , he reminds himself. _Nothing's impossible._

...Except deciding who number one is.

_They must be someone you already know._

But Ben doesn’t know anyone else, and it’s a problem. He doesn’t know anyone else that’s challenging to befriend, but possible enough. Shira? Maybe, if she wasn’t his ex. Plus, Ben can’t imagine what he’ll look like if he tries to randomly talk to her again (and he’s already been friends with her friends, who blew his head off complaining about how size zeroes are apparently oppressed). 

Mr. Shapiro? No, that’s just sad, even for Ben. Befriending your tenth grade history teacher? Seriously?

Really, he knows he’s pushing away _one_ name, one specific name that’s been haunting him since first grade. Her existence loves torturing him, with her wavy hair, chocolate skin and fiery temper. Her raspy voice sniping insults at him bounces in his head every now and then, especially when he’s sitting alone in his big house.

(The feel of her lips also tortures him, because it’s something he’ll never forget. It’s forever imprinted into his mind, like a bad memory he can’t get rid of, except it’s not a bad one, it’s a good one, perhaps the best memory he has of sophomore year, before she’d ran away from him and they both pretended that it never happened, that their short lived friendship never happened either-)

_God,_ he really has no other choice though. No other name fits that number one spot better than her. She’s the most challenging one for sure, even though he was her friend for a month, because befriending someone for the second time is even harder than the first. 

Especially someone like Devi.

She’s in India currently, so he assures himself that he has all the time in the world to worry about befriending her. He can focus on the bottom of his list for now, and then think about her when he gets there.

He sighs in defeat before scribbling her name onto the paper with shaky fingers.

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

He drops his pencil, bending back in his chair to admire the final list.

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ **

**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ **

**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ **

**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ **

“Oh my god,” He breathes out, just now letting reality sink in. “I have to become friends with _these_ people?!”

* * *

It’s locked in and official when he hands a copy to Dr. Ryan the next week, with clammy hands and sweat dripping down his forehead. She looks it up and down once, before lifting her head up at him with a smirk on her face.

“My boy, you’re really ambitious aren’t you?”

Ben laughs dryly. “Well, I really don’t know anyone else, so.”

“Don’t worry. You can always ask me for advice during our sessions while you’re doing this. Consider it like an extra-curricular activity of some sort. Although, I’d also encourage you to talk to me about your family-”

“Okay!” Ben chirps, interrupting her at the sound of the word _family._ He doesn’t really want to talk about his absent parents right now. He wonders whether they even care that their son is going to therapy, because he hadn’t seen them in person for the past month. It’s probably just random money slipping away from their bank account to them, more than anything.

“Alright…” Dr. Ryan sighs, and by the way she’s looking at him, Ben knows that _she_ knows he’s avoiding the topic. But she backs down (like always), and smiles warmly.

For now, he has a more important task at hand.

_Operation ‘Befriend Eve’: in action._


	2. we're on the eve of something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He’d calculated this in his head before coming to school. First he would say hi, then he’d bring up something they had in common (in this case, their Jewishness) and they’d bond over said thing. After, they’d become friends before class even started. Simple, right?_
> 
> _But Ben is starting to learn that friendship isn’t like a math equation- no, it isn’t even close. Making friends isn’t something that can be calculated, and it’s that realization that makes his mouth go dry and his brain go kapoot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'eve' of something new... chapter where he makes friends with eve... haha... ha...
> 
> terrible pun, i know. anyways, this chapter is ben trying to figure out that befriending someone doesn't happen in an instant. it's one of two chaps that don't have any dr. ryan & ben therapy segments, mainly because befriending eve is actually the easiest for him than anyone else (i mean, she is fifth on his list... so). 
> 
> the two meet at a bar mitzvah, and i'm desi, not jewish, so i did a shit ton of research about how it goes and traditional jewish foods, as well as some words in hebrew. however, it is very possible that i got something wrong, so please correct me (nicely) in the comments if i did!!
> 
> i love fab and eve's relationship (where are my sapphics at, woop woop), and although i don't really go too deep into it, they are dating and they're That sappy cute couple that makes singles wanna commit murder.
> 
> okay, anyways, enjoy! <3

Ben doesn’t realize how hard it is to actually befriend someone, until he’s tasked with it.

He shows up to school wearing casual attire, which for Ben means a Gucci hoodie and Balenciaga jeans (In his defense, WikiHow tells him that he has to look impressionable to make friends, and being rich is one of the only things he can flaunt but in a low-key way). Instead of walking straight to his desk like usual, he saunters over to where Eve is standing at the edge of the classroom, silently thanking the heavens that she’s alone.

“Hey,” He chokes out, awkwardly waving his hand at her. She glances at him once, before bringing her attention back down to her phone.

“ _Hey,_ ” He repeats, this time more forced, but she still doesn’t respond. “Eve. Earth to Eve? Hello?” Ben questions, a little fed up already. He hasn’t even started to make conversation with her yet and she’s already ignoring him?

She perks up at the sound of her name, raising an eyebrow. “Me?” She asks, pointing to herself confusedly. “Yes, _you,_ ” He affirms, rolling his eyes. “Who else would I be talking to?”

She seems like a deer caught in headlights, gaping her mouth at him. “Uh… I’m sorry,” She stammers, gripping her phone tighter. “It’s just… you never talk to me… or anyone in our class for that matter.”

He can’t even bring himself to lash out at her because, well, she _is_ right.

He’d calculated this in his head before coming to school. First he would say hi, then he’d bring up something they had in common (in this case, their Jewishness) and they’d bond over said thing. After, they’d become friends before class even started. Simple, right?

But Ben is starting to learn that friendship isn’t like a math equation- no, it isn’t even close. Making friends isn’t something that can be calculated, and it’s that realization that makes his mouth go dry and his brain go _kapoot._

He stares at her awkwardly, because he doesn’t know what to say. Suddenly, her eyes darken, and she scrunches her nose in disgust. “You know I’m not into men… right?” She asks, looking at him warily.

_Wait, what?_ What does that have to do with who he becomes friends with? He’s not homophobic! Is this how low people have been thinking of him? “Uh... yeah. Why does that matter?”

She then scowls, clenching her fists and shoving her phone into her back pocket. “Ugh, straight men will always be straight men. You and your thing for hitting on gay girls can fuck off, alright?” She spits out, before strutting away.

Ben stands frozen with his mouth agape, because honestly, it’s just starting to hit him that this entire time…

She thought he was flirting with her.

* * *

Ben didn’t imagine his weekend going like this, but here he is, dressed in a suit and tie, standing at the back of the room as his distant family friend in the front reads from _the Torah_. He’s seen this far too many times, as well as had his own _Bar Mitzvah_ (at the Dolby theater, which he brags about often to mask the sad fact that he saw Blake Griffin more times that day than his own parents). 

From the corner of his eye, he spots a blonde haired girl sitting near the front, and squints at how familiar she looks. She turns her head to the side, and even though he doesn't have 20/20 vision, he can tell that the girl is, in fact, Eve.

_Great,_ Ben thinks sarcastically. After the awkward encounter he had with her a few days ago, of course he has to stumble across her today. How is she even here? Do they have a mutual family friend?

He pulls the _tallit_ around his neck upwards, to cover the bottom of his face, and conceal himself from her view. The garment feels soft against his skin, but it itches his nose, so he yanks it back down, groaning quietly. 

Maybe this is a good opportunity to try again with Eve?

Ben successfully avoids her until sundown, when the party takes place. He’s putting food on his plate, admiring the delicious buffet meals, when he spots Eve lining up right behind him. He stiffens up, trying not to turn around.

“You’re only taking one _kugel_ ? Are you insane? These things are delicious.” She speaks playfully behind him, and _oh god,_ why is she making conversation with him?

He tries to pretend he didn’t hear her, because he knows he’ll give his identity away with his voice. Unfortunately, she doesn’t allow him to, because she places one more _kugel_ on his plate (he doesn’t really like the treat, he’s always been more of a _brisket_ guy), and so he thins his lips out into a straight line as he hums, hoping it’ll serve enough as a thank you.

Once he reaches the end of the buffet, he prepares to run away, but Eve taps on his shoulder before his feet can get moving. “Do you not talk? Listen man, I’m bored. I was only invited cause my parents kind of know the birthday boy's parents, so I don’t have anyone to talk to here. Can’t believe the one time I make an effort to converse, the person doesn’t talk back.”

He swivels around, because _fuck it, why not,_ and watches as her smile drops.

“Ben?!” She exclaims, yanking her hand back.

“Hi,” He waves sheepishly, and then rubs the back of his neck, holding his plate with his other hand. “Listen. Before you abandon me, I need to make one thing clear. I wasn’t hitting on you!” He explains quickly, hoping that she’ll listen.

In an unexpected turn of events, her angry expression softens, and she shrugs. “I believe you. I always knew you were aware that I’m… gay. I mean, when you gathered Fab and El to get Devi to go to Malibu, I came with Fab as her date, so…”

The mention of Malibu makes Ben’s heart twinge, but he shoves it aside. “Yeah… I know you’re dating Fabiola.”

“I just thought you were trying to date me even though I’m not into men… cause that’s happened to me before, more than once.”

“No, I really wasn't! That’s a disgusting thing to do. I’m sorry people have done that to you.” Ben says, shaking his head. “ _Men,_ ” He mutters, rolling his eyes, and Eve laughs (woah, she laughed at him, no, _with_ him), nodding her head in agreement. 

“ _Men._ ” She parrots, sticking her thumb down. Ben snorts.

“So… wanna get a table? I don’t have any friends here either.”

He expects rejection, but to his sweet surprise, she smiles warmly. “Sure.”

They spend the rest of the night eating delicious traditional Jewish food, arguing over whether _kugels_ or _briskets_ are better (neither side wins), and laughing about how itchy _tallits_ are. 

“Was your _Bar Mitzvah_ like this?” Eve asks, after they’ve put their plates away and are back in their seats. 

Ben shakes his head. “No,” He replies. “It was at the-” 

He stops himself, holding his tongue. Does he really want to brag about how rich he is? From what he can remember, at his recent session with Dr. Ryan, she’d advised him to shut up about his parents' wallets. Or maybe he can do it in a funnier, humbler way?

“It was at the Dolby theater…” He mutters, and Eve widens her eyes, before rolling them. “For a moment, I forgot you were rich.” She says, and Ben laughs. “Just a little,” He answers back jokingly, and she snickers. "I am a living version of the Rich Jew stereotype."

"Oh god, why does that stereotype even exist?"

Ben plays with the table cloth absentmindedly. "I don't know. The people of this country think we own banks and control the government too. Americans are dumb."

“I hate those stereotypes. You know, antisemitism is so normalized in today’s society.” Eve states, twiddling her thumbs. 

“Tell me about it,” Ben says, scoffing. “The amount of times I’ve heard jokes about Hitler and him being an ‘icon’… _yeesh._ ” 

“I just don’t know why it’s so normalized. That guy is a monster. Why do people say stuff like that, especially around the Jewish? Six million of us were killed by that guy, even more were terrorized.” She mutters angrily, and Ben finds himself relieved at how he finally has someone to rant about this with.

“Right? Ugh. I just wish they were more aware about this stuff. I mean, not to take any light away from other oppressed minorities, but you _cannot_ be anti-racist and be antisemitic at the same time.”

“Exactly. It’s not cool,” Eve says, leaning her head against her arm. 

Suddenly, Ben has a crazy idea, and it’s so crazy that he ponders whether he should even propose it. But after a few seconds of thinking, he gives in. “What if we did a presentation during lunch? For those who want to learn about Jewish history and the normalization of casual antisemitism?”

Eve squints her eyes, looking at Ben like he has two heads. “Uh, what? Are you crazy? How would we even set that up? I’m not you, Ben. No teacher likes me enough to lend their classroom to me during lunch for a presentation.”

He gives her a shit eating grin, smirking confidently. “Guess who is _me,_ though,” he says, pointing to himself. Eve raises her eyebrows, but she doesn’t refuse his idea, which he takes note of. She doesn’t hate it!

“Our tenth grade history teacher knows me well enough. We can stick posters up on the wall, and I’ll ask Mr. Shapiro to add it to the morning announcements. Then we can borrow his classroom, and we’ll do a presentation to those who come during lunch.”

Eve pauses for a moment, before nodding slowly. “That’s actually not a bad idea, _Benjamin,_ ” She says, and he winces at his full name being used. “But will you do the entire presentation by yourself like sophomore year, or will you let me contribute too?”

He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and holds back a laugh. “Yes, I'll let you contribute. I’m a changed man, I promise.” He teases, tipping the _kippah_ that rests on his head. "A gentleman, if I do say so myself."

She snorts at him. “Okay, why the fuck not? I’m up for it.”

* * *

Ben leans against the projector screen, shuffling through his cue cards. The fact that this is actually happening- that he’s successfully put a week’s worth of time into a presentation he’s doing with a girl he barely talked to before- blows his mind. 

Eve clears her throat beside him, shaking Ben out of his thoughts, and he lights up at seeing her. 

“Eve! You came on time.” He exclaims, after stealing a glance at the clock.

“Ben, when have I ever been late?” She asks, crossing her arms, but a smile rests on her face. “Anyways, how many people do you think will come to this thing?”

“Originally, not many. Teens don’t really care about this stuff. But thanks to your free cupcakes idea,” He taps his fingers on the cupcake boxes stacked behind him, “We can expect a big audience.”

Actually, working on this project with Eve had made Ben realize that she’s kind of a genius. She had proposed the idea of offering one free cupcake to whoever came to the presentation, so that people would actually show up. 

As soon as two minutes of the lunch period passes, people start pouring in, as they take their seats on one of the many chairs that the two put in rows, and Eve smirks at him, _I told you so_ written all over her face. 

“Did you invite any of your friends?” He asks Eve, and she nods. “Yup. Eleanor, Jonah, Meiwei, Jordan, a bunch of my other gals. And of course, _my_ girl.”

His heart warms at her calling Fabiola ‘her girl’, because it’s a cute gesture. He wishes he had someone to call _his girl_ too.

Soon enough, Fabiola steps in with Eleanor beside her, and she shoots a smile at Eve, but then scowls at Ben, which stirs worry in him (especially because she’s next on his stupid friend list). 

“You didn’t tell Fabiola about me doing this with you…” He whispers it as a statement more than a question, because he knows he’s right. He has two eyes and can clearly see her glaring at him, as well as Eleanor who's beside her, and although Ben has a fairly average EQ (emotional intelligence), he can tell she’s not happy at seeing him here.

It kind of sucks thinking about how they had some potential to be friends- him, Devi, Fabiola, and Eleanor- during Devi’s breakdown in sophomore year, but all that had been ruined and erased right after, bringing the four back to the start of first grade. 

Stupid Malibu.

Speaking of Devi, Ben is relieved that she isn’t here, sitting in the audience while he does his presentation, because it would only unnerve him, make him even more jittery.

Eve nudges his shoulder, signaling for him to start.

He clears his throat, focusing on anyone other than Fabiola or Eleanor. “So, today we’ve gathered you here to spread awareness about antisemitism, and how heavily normalized it is even today…”

The rest of the presentation goes pretty smooth, with lines evenly balanced between Eve and Ben. An even distribution isn’t something his classmates are used to (it’s why he always did projects by himself, because he’s unable to compensate when it comes to work distributions), but this time he tried his best to appreciate and listen to Eve’s ideas (and a bonus is that they were actually good).

At the end of their presentation, the room bursts into chatter while they hand out cupcakes to everyone, and as Ben argues with Eric about how he can’t have another one, he spots Eve smiling widely at him, and they laugh knowingly with each other from across the room.

He can’t lie, laughing with her makes his heart swell, and a part of his soul feels a little patched up. Is this what it’s like to have a…

A friend? 

Is she his friend?

When everyone’s left the room (Eve convinces Fabiola to leave without her by kissing her on the cheek), Ben trails up to the blonde, sticking out his nearly empty cupcake box.

“Want one?” He asks, and he grins as she smirks, grabbing the last one swiftly with her fingers. He sets the now completely empty box down, and when he looks back at her, her hand is extended out towards him, a severed half of the cupcake in her hand.

_Oh,_ he thinks. _She wants to share it with me!_

Ben knows it’s pathetic how happy this small gesture makes him, but he takes it from her, gleefully biting through it. He savors it, not because of how tasty it is, but because for the first time, a classmate is sharing something with him. And oh boy, does it boost his dopamine.

“Thank you,” They say at the same time, and laugh in sync too. 

“This was fun,” Eve says, wiping her fingers on a tissue. She hands it to Ben, who wipes the crumbs off his hands with it as well. “It was.” He affirms, and he can feel his dimple showing. 

“Hey,” Ben starts, feeling nervous. He has to ask now, he has to know. “Are we good now? Like, we’re friends?”

Eve freezes, and for a second Ben regrets everything he’s ever said, but then she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Duh,” She says, sticking her hand out. “But if you wanna make it official, sure. We’re friends.”

He slips his hand into hers, shaking it firmly before releasing. “Cool.”

“Hey, can I just ask you something?” Eve says, grunting as she lifts two chairs at once to stack them at the back of the classroom, and Ben takes a chair from her to ease the weight, nodding. “Shoot me.”

“Why did you want to befriend me all of a sudden? I mean, we haven’t talked in nearly two years, and even then we weren’t exactly… on _good_ terms.”

Ben coughs awkwardly, wondering how much of the truth he can tell her. “Well, I’m lonely, and thought I’d try to change my ways and make amends with people I annoyed when I was younger. I started with you, because you’re nice, and Jewish, like me.”

Eve nods, while helping Ben throw the empty cupcake boxes into the trash can. She surprisingly doesn't question the weirdness of it all, and he's relieved.

“Hey, don’t tell Fabiola about us being friends now, okay? I have to befriend her next.” He blurts out, and bites his lip right after. Yikes, why did he let that slip so easily?

“Uh… okay… but wouldn’t it be easier for you to befriend her if she knows I’m friends with you?”

She’s right, but he wants Fabiola to like him for _him,_ and not because of anything else. “This may sound weird, but, I don’t want her to be friends with me just cause we have a mutual friend, y’know? Like, I want her to be my friend because _she_ tolerates my existence, not only because _you_ tolerate my existence.”

She thinks it over for a while, before shrugging. “You know, Ben… that actually makes sense. You have my word.” She says, before dragging her fingers across her lips in a zipped up motion, and twisting an invisible key at the edge of her mouth, pretend-throwing it away right after.

  
“Hey, no cupcakes left for me?” Mr. Shapiro whines, as he enters the empty classroom with his bag tucked under his arm.

Ben exchanges an amused glance with Eve before shaking his head. “Sorry, Mr. Shapiro.”

He sticks out his bottom lip (in what Ben assumes is a pout) before making his way to his desk. “So, are you two friends or what? I mean, in tenth grade you two didn’t seem to be _homies_ … actually, Ben, you barely got along with anyone, especially Devi.”

He snorts before looking at Eve, letting her answer the question.

“Yeah,” She says, staring at him fondly. “We’re friends. _Chaverim._ ” 

_Chaverim,_ meaning friends in Hebrew. Friends. They’re friends!

Ben savors this feeling, the feeling of newfound friendship, and he suddenly feels less alone. It’s addicting to hear the words _we’re friends,_ and oh boy, he wants to hear it more, in different forms and from various different voices as well.

Fabiola peeks her head through the door, waiting for Eve expectantly. Ben tries to smile at her, but she scrunches her nose up, bringing her attention back to the blonde. It should upset him, but it only gives him more of a push, more reason to befriend her. 

Ben doesn’t let himself relish in the feeling of having made one friend. He _can’t,_ because now he has to make one more. 

_Operation ‘Befriend Eve’: successful._

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ **

**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ **

**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ **

~~**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ ** ~~

_Operation ‘Befriend Fabiola’: in action._


	3. i'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He knows she’d screamed at him in the library, hurt his pride and broken off their partnership. This is the perfect revenge plot- he can hold his passing grade up against her fail for the rest of eternity, flaunting it and putting it in her face constantly to make his point._
> 
> _But for some weird reason, he can’t find it in himself to do that to her. He should help her. He should be a good person, put his ego aside, and help her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no pun in the chapter title :( BUT it is ripped straight from the friends title track... so :D
> 
> i really, really thought hard about whether i should make fab sweeter to ben at first while writing this... but then i decided, nah. from all the interactions we got between fab or ben, she seemed to be annoyed by his existence itself LMFAO. esp when she calls him annoying while talking to her mom. and so her having a shitty day + having to work with ben = pissed off fabiola. 
> 
> the hydraulic arm part is inspired by my own struggles in a construction design class (fucking terrible i hated building that goddamn arm... and especially trying to build it before the end of the day so that the teacher wouldn't give me a zero, pure trauma). if you're unsure what a hydraulic arm is, i recommend you search it up and just get a look at it before reading, lol. things will probably be less confusing then. 
> 
> as usual, i do not get my stuff beta-ed, so if you see any grammatical errors... sowwy :(
> 
> okay, enjoy <3

Making friends is astronomically hard.

He knows this, and the thought is solidified when he finds himself struggling to build up the courage to utter a measly _hi_ to Fabiola. 

He doesn’t want another Eve to happen- he doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea. But randomly approaching people and saying _hello_ isn’t very Ben-like of him to do, which is probably why it’s terrifying for others when he does that.

So, he begs Eve everyday for the next week over text to host a party, and invite him to it, so that he’ll have an opportunity to talk to Fabiola. She refuses every time, until one day she accepts, groaning over the phone. 

_“You owe me big-time buddy,"_ She had muttered, and he’d snickered. “Whatever. You should be thanking me for giving _you_ an opportunity to get a night alone with your girlfriend. That is, _after_ I have a decent conversion with her.” He’d cheekily replied, cutting the call mid-laugh.

When he arrives to the party with a few boxes of pizza, he doesn’t expect many people to be there, but it’s crowded as _fuck_.

He sets the pizza boxes down on the kitchen counter, and explores the bottom floor of her house, secretly trying to find Eve (who is at the moment, his _only_ friend, really), but bumps into someone else instead. 

“Sorry!” She exclaims, before her tone drops. “Ben.” She deadpans, glaring at him.

He sighs, very unprepared. He wasn’t expecting to meet her so early. 

“Fabiola,” He says, kinder than her acknowledgement. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” She asks, and it’s then that Ben realizes she’s actually taller than him by a centimeter or two. “I was… invited.” He answers weakly, and the conversation fizzles out there.

Eve appears, and Ben sighs in relief. She locks her arms with Fabiola, and smiles at Ben, but he widens his eyes, trying to remind her to keep her mouth shut about their friendship. “Did you invite him here?” Fabiola questions into her ear, not so secretly, because Ben can hear the words coming out of her mouth even if she’s trying to whisper.

Eve clears her throat. “Uh, yeah. But only because we did the presentation together.”

“So… you’re not friends with him, right?” 

Ben groans, before grabbing a Dorito from the bowl nearby. “Nope.” He lies through his teeth, and crunches on the chip, trying to play it off cool.

“Okay…” Fabiola mutters, before glancing at the blonde, who is weirdly still. Eve, Ben learns, is a terrible liar. However, the curly haired girl doesn’t comment, and as he watches the two girls walk away hand-in-hand, he lets himself relax, finally breathing properly.

It really should not be this hard to befriend someone.

* * *

“Ben,” Mr. Patel drones, so slowly it irks the blue-eyed boy. He drags his finger along the attendance list, stopping at a name.

“You’ll be paired with Fabiola Torres.”

_Shit,_ he thinks, and glances over his shoulder to see her groaning. He hasn't made any effort to talk to her since the party at Eve’s last week, and so he knows he should seize this opportunity, make the best of it, but he doesn’t feel ready to.

The girl clearly hates him, and he can’t even blame her for it. He’s the one that made that stupid UN nickname, he’s the one that had (and technically still has) a rivalry with her best friend for almost their entire lives. He’s Ben Gross- the annoying smart kid in class who comes off as cocky, rich, and arrogant.

That’s a tough first impression to rub off.

“We’ll meet at the library today?” Ben asks loudly, from where he’s sitting. She rubs her eyes with her hands before nodding. “Okay.” She answers, frustrated.

_It’s okay,_ Ben assures himself. _He did it with Eve, so he can use the same tactics to befriend Fabiola as well._

* * *

No, no, no. That’s not how it works.

You can’t befriend everyone in the same way, Ben learns. And he learns it the hard way.

Fabiola shows up to the library looking exhausted, and she practically drags her backpack on the floor to where Ben is sitting. He looks up at her and nods in acknowledgement. 

“Hello, Fabiola.” He says, and immediately cringes at how weirdly formal it sounds.

“Hey.” She mutters, plopping herself onto the chair across him. He can sense that she isn't in a very good mood, and although his curiosity makes him want to ask what happened, he decides against it. 

“So-”

“Let’s just get done with this quickly.” Fabiola says, clearly sounding annoyed. Ben is a little miffed at her interrupting him, but he swallows a nasty quip back, reminding himself of what his main objective is.

_Befriend Fabiola._

“As you wish,” He says, chuckling, but she looks unamused. He coughs awkwardly. “Uh, so… since we have to build this hydraulic arm in a week’s time, we should plan out the different steps as we go. Let’s focus on the planning sketches today.”

She nods, and flips her notebook open, getting started as soon as he stops speaking. Ben has no complaints about her good work ethic, and does the same, quickly sketching out the base of the hydraulic arm, and the claw’s design in no time.

After a few minutes, he taps her shoulder, and she peers up at him. “What?”

“Are you done?”

“No.” She replies curtly, seeming impatient.

“Okay,” Ben mumbles, tilting his head back down as he feels his face flush in embarrassment. Man, this is getting really difficult.

Suddenly, she pushes her notebook towards him silently, her eyes glued to the sketch laid out in front of her. He studies it, and _wow,_ he’s impressed. He knows that she loves robotics, engineering, and design (if Gears Brosnan isn’t enough evidence of that), but she’s got it all down to a T, accurate measurements and everything...

All except for one minuscule flaw. 

“Everything is great,” Ben begins, and her face lights up. “Except for one tiny thing.” 

He can see her forming smile fall, but doesn't let that get in the way of their project. “The claw should have an extra grip on it, and we can maybe make it with a hot glue gun and two small pieces of wood. That way, the soda can will stay held by the claw, even when moving in the air.”

She clicks her tongue, shaking her head. “But then it’ll get too heavy on the front side, and it’ll tilt,” She says, placing her finger on the drawing of the base. “We’ll have to adjust the measurements then.”

“Just a little,” He says, shrugging. “Shouldn’t be a huge deal.”

Fabiola rolls her eyes. “Uh, _no,_ it is a huge deal. We have to do the math all over again. And what if you’re wrong? We shouldn’t waste so much time just to add an extra part that’ll probably be useless anyways.”

Ben feels himself heat up, at her abrasive refusal of his idea. “We’re not wasting time by adding the grip, we’re gonna waste time by _not_ adding the grip. What if it ends up not being able to pick up the can? Do you want us to fail or what?”

At his last sentence, Fabiola snatches her notebook away, her eyebrows furrowed together. “We’re gonna waste wood by adding a grip. We only get ten pieces, Mr. Patel won’t give us any more.”

“I just don’t get why it’s a huge deal. Everything else is fine, I agree with the main design. But why not add a grip?”

“I’m the one who’s good at this stuff between the two of us!”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t contribute ideas to this _partner_ project!”

“Your ideas are shit!” Fabiola seethes defensively, gripping the notebook in her hand tightly. Ben recoils at the insult, especially since it’s so out of character for her.

_Befriend Fabiola,_ he reminds himself. _Be nice to her. Suck it up._

But he can’t, and all ideas of a possible friendship with her are thrown out the window. His pride has been severely hurt, and that’s all he can focus on.

“That’s very rude of you to say. I was only trying to make your idea better, yet you’re being a _dick-”_

“A dick?! _I’m_ being a dick?” She breathes in, pinching the top of her nose. “You know what? I knew this wasn’t going to work out. Let’s split up.”

Ben widens his eyes. “What?”

“Let’s work on this separately. We can talk to Mr. Patel tomorrow, convince him to let us do this individually.”

“But… but why?” He sputters out, and the tips of his ears are aflame. He can’t help but feel a little hurt.

“Because I can’t work with you! You’re just a _dick_ , Gross. And hey, if I don’t work with you, you won’t fail, since you clearly think I’m dumber than you.” She spits out, and she swings her backpack over her shoulder while storming off and grumbling something under her breath, before Ben even has the chance to talk things out.

Really, what had he said that was so bad? 

_‘You want us to fail or what?’_ Is the only possibly bad thing he can remember, but that wasn’t even his intention with the sentence. Well, he had also called her a dick, but… ugh, why is it that everything he says is misconstrued in some stupid way?

Whatever. Now he has a huge project to focus on, that too alone. 

Some friendships, he decides, are just impossible to create.

* * *

“-and then, she just got up and left! After calling me a _dick!”_

Ben paces back and forth, as Dr. Ryan watches with a frown on her face. “A _dick?_ She called you a dick?”

He glares at her, shamelessly pointing to his crotch area to clear any confusion. “Yes, Dr. Ryan. She called me a _dick._ But who cares about that? She literally left our group to do the project on her own! And our group only had two people, so now I have to do this stupid project by myself too.”

“So… what does this exactly mean? Don’t you like doing projects by yourself?” Dr. Ryan asks, confused.

“It’s not about the project, it’s about the possibility of a friendship with her. It’s ruined. She hates me, and you know what, I don’t like her either!” He retorts, placing his hands on his hip. 

Dr. Ryan stares at him in the way she does when he is being childish, and so Ben reluctantly sits down, running a hand through his hair. 

“Hey, listen. Friendship isn’t all that easy. You can’t become friends with someone in one snap.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Sometimes I wish I was Thanos and could make the _world_ crumble away in one snap…” Ben mutters, and Dr. Ryan chokes down a laugh. “Woah… chill out. All I’m saying is, you can always try again. It’s not like you made friends with Eve all that easily.”

“It was definitely _easier,_ ” He mutters, playing with the unlit candle on the table in the middle. “And to think this is second to last. Imagine how much harder it’ll get from here.”

“It won’t be easy, Ben. I’m not gonna lie to you,” She places a hand on his knee, and the touch jolts him. It feels so warm and comforting- his own mother hasn't done something like that in ages. 

“But I know you can do it.”

He feels a surge of confidence at her words, nodding. “Okay.”

Ben's not very fond of the fact that he goes to therapy, and it's still something he wants to keep as his dirty little secret... except it doesn't feel as _dirty_ to him anymore. It's nice to talk to someone, to let go and ask for advice, especially with someone as personable and trustworthy as Dr. Ryan. She's like the mother he's always wanted as a kid- kind, funny, helpful. He wishes his parents would listen to him the way his therapist does.

Things have changed for the better since he's started going to therapy. And even if he feels like he still doesn't _belong_ here- he can't deny the fact that he looks forward to ranting weekly in her office.

“That’s my boy. Now, let’s get back to how you feel at home. Have you ever talked to your parents about how their trips make you feel?”

Ben groans at the topic of his home life, shaking his head. “No, I haven’t. I don’t want to,” He replies offhandedly, playing with the candle in his hand. “Plus, I’d be ungrateful if I asked more from them. I mean, what more do I want? They buy me many things, they give me money-”

“Sometimes money isn’t what we truly need to be happy…” Dr. Ryan says, and Ben feels something in his gut stir, because she’s right. He doesn’t want his parents’ money, he wants their love. He wants them to be there for him. He wishes they’d shown up to his competitions and science fairs when he was young, he wishes-

Nope. He’s not ready to talk about his family right now.

“Do you think Fabiola likes candles?” Ben mumbles while tossing the unlit candle back and forth between his hands, and Dr. Ryan groans, but she’s smiling pitifully at him. 

“Oh, Ben...” She clicks her tongue. “Maybe.”

* * *

Tensions are high in the workshop today.

It’s the day their project is due, the day students are testing their arm out in front of Mr. Patel and getting marked on the performance of their creation, and everybody is, rightfully, nervous as _hell._

Ben is relaxed though, because he’d already gone first. Actually, he finished building his arm a day early, and impressed the teacher with his hydraulic arm’s performance, and the way it easily gripped the can and brought it over to the other side. He operated the syringes depending on the color of the water flowing through them with no difficulty. 

So now, he’s scanning the room, watching students panic as they try to wrap up their construction just in time before the end of the day. 

In his peripheral, he spots a worried Fabiola, who’s rapidly gluing parts of her arm together. She seems… genuinely stressed, and it confuses Ben, especially because she’s usually good at this sort of project. She _is_ the best builder he knows, the best engineer he knows, the best coder he knows. 

Fabiola pushes the water in the syringe with the plunger, but the hydraulic arm barely moves, and she bites her lips, her eyes welling up. Ben feels his heart drop to his feet, as he realizes she’s about to cry. He looks away, trying to pretend he doesn’t see her almost sobbing, but he can’t help but feel _wrong._

He knows she’d screamed at him in the library, hurt his pride and broken off their partnership. This is the perfect revenge plot- he can hold his passing grade up against her fail for the rest of eternity, flaunting it and putting it in her face constantly to make his point.

But for some weird reason, he can’t find it in himself to do that to her. He should help her. He should be a good person, put his ego aside, and _help her._

So, he brings one foot in front of the other, and walks over, standing on the other side of the table. “Hey,” He says, but Fabiola groans. “Leave me alone.” She replies, wiping her wet cheek with her sleeve. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, and tries his best to sound genuine, because he doesn’t want his words being misunderstood yet again. She glares at him, before slamming her hands onto the table. 

“It’s not moving far enough, okay? Happy? Happy to hear that I’m gonna _fail?_ ” Her voice breaks at the word _fail,_ and he can tell she’s worried she won’t fix her hydraulic arm’s issues in time. He turns around to look at the clock, and _oh god,_ there’s only fifteen minutes left. 

He leans closer, examining her creation. To his surprise, he notices the grip on the claw's arm that he’d brought up in the library. So she’d actually taken his advice?

It’s then, that the bubbles in her syringe catch his attention, and he gasps in realization. He lifts the arm up, syringes lying on his shoulder, and runs to the nearest sink while carrying the wooden creation with him. Fifteen minutes is enough time, right?

Fabiola follows behind him, about to shriek. “What the hell are you doing?!” She yells accusingly, trying to grab her arm back, but Ben dodges. 

“Bubbles,” He simply mutters, as he takes out the water from one syringe, and carefully fills it back up, squirting some water out whenever he sees a bubble pop up again, effectively getting rid of them. 

“Wait… what?” She stammers, confused. 

“Your syringes have too many air bubbles in them,” He explains, breathy, preoccupied with refilling the rest of the syringes. “More bubbles means limited movement. You need to be careful when filling the syringes up with water… make sure there are barely any bubbles, so that the arm will move smoother and farther.”

“What if this doesn’t work?” She exclaims, sounding a little squeaky. “What if it’s just a problem with my design? I’m gonna fail!” She panics, her voice quivering.

Ben finishes refilling the last syringe before he brings the arm back to the table, setting it down carefully. He glances at the clock, and after making sure he has enough time to comfort Fabiola, places his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her down. “It’s _nothing_ to do with your design. Your design is perfect. And you’re not gonna fail. _Trust me._ ”

At his words, she nods slowly, and Ben takes his hands off, holding the syringes with them instead. He pushes the plungers, and just like he guessed, the hydraulic arm moves much more farther, and much more smoother. Fabiola squeals in excitement, and immediately runs up to the teacher, trying to get him to grade her wooden arm.

Mr. Patel is, of course, impressed, and shoots her a big smile when the arm picks up the can swiftly, dropping it off at it’s perfect destination. As soon as he leaves, Fabiola lets out a shaky breath, leaning her weight against the table.

“Oh my god,” She whispers. “Oh my god. I didn’t fail.”

“You didn’t fail!” Ben says cheerily, clapping his hands. 

Suddenly, she turns around to face Ben, and he panics, because there are tears streaming down her face, but then she wraps her arms around his neck and _woah, what is happening?!_

“Thanks to you I didn’t fail,” She mutters, still shaking. “Only because of you.”

Ben pats her back, because he doesn’t know what else to do. This is the first time someone other than Patty has hugged him, in ages. What does one do when they’re being hugged?

Fabiola pulls back, and Ben is relieved that she’s crying _happy_ tears, not sad ones. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! And you helped me even after I lashed out at you in the library… I’m so sorry for that, by the way. It was a pretty shitty day for me, and, well, I assumed you were putting me down-”

“It’s fine. I get it. No biggie.” Ben says, smiling. It really doesn’t matter to him anymore, because he's finally witnessing the real Fabiola, right in front of his eyes. She’s quirky, kind, caring. And he’s having a decent conversation with her for once! Progress!

“Really though. Thanks, Ben.” She says honestly, and then glances at her buzzing phone, before grabbing her backpack and walking to the door. 

He thinks she’s simply going to leave, but she surprises him by turning around, waving at him (woah, Fabiola Torres is waving _bye_ to him!), and he waves back happily, watching as she turns her back to him again with a smile on her face. 

Maybe there really isn't any friendship that’s _impossible_ to create.

* * *

It comes as a surprise when his phone buzzes, an unknown number calling him.

It’s the fifth time the same number is calling him, so he picks up, entertaining the possibility of it _not_ actually being a scam caller.

_“Ben! Finally!”_ A familiar voice exclaims on the other side of the line, and Ben immediately recognizes her.

“Fabiola? What’s up?”

_“Okay, listen. I need your help with something.”_

Ben smiles to himself, pumping his fist in the air. This is a good step towards official friendship!

“Sure. Is it homework?”

_“What? No,”_ Fabiola answers, scoffing. _“I need help with setting up Eve’s surprise birthday party. I’ve invited all the guests-”_

He frowns at how he hasn't received an invite yet.

_“-made a playlist, called a DJ. But when it comes to food, Eve is a little picky. She really likes traditional Jewish food, so I thought I’d call you and ask if you could help me with the catering?”_

Ben shrugs and nods, before realizing she can’t actually see him. “Sure,” He speaks. “I’ll take care of the catering, find a service and everything. I know a catering service that makes really good Jewish food.”

_“Oh, do you want me to pay you later-”_

“No!” Ben exclaims. “You don’t need to pay me back or anything.”

He can hear Fabiola click her tongue, before humming in agreement. _“Okay.”_

“Do you want help with anything else?”

It is that question that ends up drowning Ben in more work for the next few days. He offers to hold the party at his house, which only further involves him in the process of planning. After finishing his homework, he spends his free time helping Fabiola plan this surprise party for Eve over FaceTime (he’s hitting two birds with one stone, one by helping surprise his friend, Eve, and the other by helping Fabiola and hopefully befriending her soon). 

Fabiola doesn’t know that he’s friends with Eve, though, which means he has to keep a secret from both of them. Whenever he calls Eve, he struggles to keep the birthday secret from her, hanging up calls earlier than usual. And with Fabiola, sometimes it’s hard to not let it slip that he is, in fact, friends with Eve, and that he calls her every other day (only because they can’t sit at lunch together until he’s friends with Fabiola).

The surprise party goes well, as expected, and the two planners rejoice, hi-fiving each other before Eve crushes her girlfriend with a tight hug.

"Thank you, Fab. I love it." She says into her ear, and pulls away. Fabiola shyly smiles, before pointing to Ben, who's standing right beside them. "He helped me with everything." She whispers, so quietly that only Ben and Eve hear it, and the blonde pulls the boy into a hug (wow, two hugs in less than two weeks?), patting his back. 

"Happy birthday, Eve." He says with a dorky grin when they separate, and Eve mirrors his expression.

"Thank you, Ben." She replies fondly, and then her eyes widen. “Oh my god, all my favorite food!” She exclaims happily when she catches sight of the makeshift buffet behind him, and drags Fabiola with her. 

Ben watches quietly with a smile on his face, hoping that she’s happy at the sight of _kugels_. He’d purposely ordered extra, because he knows she adores them.

Later that night, when Ben passes out in a half-drunken slumber, he’s shaken awake by Fabiola, who giggles when he opens his eyes. “Are you drunk?” She asks innocently, and he laughs, but winces right after at how dry his throat feels.

“A little.” He croaks, looking down at the cup of beer in his hand. 

“I just wanted to thank you, yet again. All I asked you to do was take care of the catering, and you ended up helping me plan the whole thing. Thanks.”

Ben feels like he’ll throw up if he hears another thank you from her mouth, so he pats her shoulder, smiling at her lopsidedly as he rests his head against the couch. “No problem.”

She smiles as she takes the cup from his hands, setting it aside onto the coffee table. “You know, Ben… you’re actually pretty cool.” She says, laying her head right next to his. They stare at his ceiling quietly, and the star outlines with galaxy lights that he'd bought for this specific occasion makes it seem like they're really staring at the night sky. 

“You’re pretty cool too.” He admits, turning his head so that his cheek is flush against the couch material. 

“Wanna sit with us during lunch from now on?” She asks, glancing at him with a smile on her face. She plays with her fingers nervously, as if she’s afraid he’ll reject.

“Sure. But don’t _friends_ only do that?” Ben teases. Honestly, he just wants to hear the words from her mouth as confirmation.

Fabiola scoffs, smacking his shoulder lightly. “I think it’s pretty clear you’re my friend now.”

He laughs, and another part of his soul feels replenished. With each friend he makes, he feels less and less lonelier.

“Oh my god,” She chokes out. “Devi is gonna _freak_ when she gets back. I mean, _me?_ Friends with Ben Gross?”

“Don’t tell her yet,” Ben begs, with a smirk on his face. “I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she sees me with you guys, in person.”

In the back of his head, another name pops up, and it’s Eleanor's. Now that he’s earned a spot at their lunch table, he has to set on another tiring journey of befriending the resident drama queen.

It’s tiring, this whole friendship thing. But when he hears those words at the end of each mission, the confirmation that he’s earned another friend, and it sends a thrill down his body, he figures it’s kind of worth it.

_Operation ‘Befriend Fabiola’: successful._

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ **

**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ **

~~**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ ** ~~

~~**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ ** ~~

_Operation ‘Befriend Eleanor’: in action._


	4. there's no one listening after the curtain calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“And I know I’m complaining about nothing. Because at least she’s alive, right? Devi has it way worse, right? But I can’t help but feel a… a void. It kind of hurts more knowing that one of your parents is alive, but they’re choosing to spend time away from you.”_
> 
> _Her words really hit him hard, because they’re exactly how he feels. He should be grateful that his parents are alive, but it hurts more knowing that they choose to spend that much time away from him. Sometimes, it feels like his own parents don't like him._
> 
> _An afterthought. That's what he is to Mister and Missus Gross. An afterthought._
> 
> _Eleanor is one too, to her mother. Together, they are both products of negligence, PSA warnings of what never spending time with your child can do to them._
> 
> _They're both afterthoughts, and in that sense, he feels akin to Eleanor, like they’re the same, although her situation is much worse than his._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'curtain calls'... kind of relates to acting and plays... eleanor loves drama... ha.....ha....
> 
> i need to stop with these really bad chapter titles LMFAO.
> 
> okay, so, i really had fun writing the dramatic bih that is eleanor wong. i feel like her and ben would make such good comfort buddies, esp with all the stuff that goes on with their parents. this is the only other chapter that doesn't have a dr. ryan segment, and although i really pondered on adding one, i ended up getting too lazy so uh... oops.
> 
> there's a part in this chapter where they're practicing a scene from midsummer night's dream, and i just want to point out that the italicized lines are the lines of the play, since they switch in and out of character in the dialogue. 
> 
> uhhhh can't think of anything else i have to say so... yeah! enjoy <3 mwah love y'all. thanks for reading and sticking around <3 and ur lovely comments as well, they really really make my day and encourage me <3

Befriending a drama fanatic is way harder than it seems.

Ben sits at their lunch table alone, as he anxiously waits for Eleanor to arrive. He hasn’t told either of his current friends about this next mission of his, deciding to take it all in his own hands. His previous resolve to try and befriend people without having them know he's friends with their friends is abolished, because it's nearly impossible now that he's earned a spot at their table. He can't hide his friendships with Fabiola and Eve from Eleanor anymore. 

Anyways, since he’s eating lunch with the gang, it really can’t be that hard to get on Eleanor’s good side, right?

She arrives with Fabiola, a Cheetos bag in both of their hands. Her face crinkles up in disgust almost immediately when she sees Ben, who tries his best to muster a smile. 

“What the hell is he doing here?” She exclaims, abrasively. 

Fabiola sighs as she takes a seat, pulling Eleanor down with her. “Ben is going to sit with us from now on.” She explains, smiling at him. 

“Why? Group project?” Then, Eleanor gasps dramatically, placing the back of her hand on her forehead as if she’s a damsel in distress. “Are you spying on us?”

Fabiola jabs her elbow into the side of Eleanor’s waist, and she yelps in pain. “He’s our friend now.” She says with gritted teeth, while offering a Cheeto to Ben, who politely declines. He doesn’t like it when the orange crumbs collect on his fingers. Although at home, he loves happily licking them off, at school he can’t do that, or else he’ll look unhygienic.

“Friend?” Eleanor questions, crossing her arms. “This guy? He’s the one who made up the whole UN thing!”

Ben winces. _Yikes…_ that isn’t something he can ever take back now.

“Yeah, I know. Not one of my proudest moments…” He mutters, sounding remorseful. “But I promise, I’m just sitting here with you guys because you’re my friends now.”

“Ben Gross! Let me tell you something.” She seethes, standing up and bending down towards him to appear more threatening. “ _The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief._ ” 

Ben blinks in confusion. “Huh?”

“You know the saying, 'grin and bear it'? No matter how much you wronged me when I was younger, I always smiled and didn’t take it to heart, because when one is upset, they should never show that they are. It takes away the satisfaction that the wrongdoer gets.”

Ben can’t help but feel like she’s being unfair. He was a dick when he was younger, yes, but it’s always been more of a _mutual,_ two-sided rivalry with Devi and her friend group (Devi specifically) more than anything, and he doesn’t appreciate the way he’s being painted as a bully. Plus, by the way she’s reacting right now, she clearly took _everything_ to heart.

“El, you’re being a little dramatic. He never bullied us-” 

“I don’t care! You will _never_ be my friend!” She exclaims, cutting off Fabiola, before storming away. 

“I had no idea she hated me this much,” Ben mumbles once she’s left. 

_'You will never be my friend!'_ Her voice replays in his head, like a broken tape recorder.

Ouch, that one’s got to hurt.

Fabiola tries to offer him a Cheeto again, and he reluctantly takes it, munching on the delicacy with a frown on his face. “The whole UN thing did bug her a lot. She has a huge grudge against you for it.” She explains, shrugging.

He pouts, looking down at his orange fingers. Ben's always assumed that Devi was the only one who cared about the nickname (she was the only one he really wanted to get back at with it), but he never took the other two's feelings into consideration. Guilt washes over him, and it's overbearing. 

“I thought it was more of a mutual thing. I don’t think I ever bullied you guys… right?” Ben asks, and he hates how vulnerable he sounds. He can’t help but feel a little upset at Eleanor’s words.

“No,” Fabiola affirms, shaking her head. “You weren’t a bully.”

He looks up at her and smiles. 

Ben isn’t going to give up on befriending Eleanor now, or ever. He finally has the chance to make things right, and he’ll be damned if he loses it.

* * *

“Come on guys, I really need someone to help me practice my lines after school. Is no one available?” Eleanor asks, pouting. She sits the farthest away from Ben, and always ignores him whenever he talks, but he doesn’t really mind. After her outburst last week, at least now she’s _technically_ eating lunch with him.

“Sorry, El. Fab and I finally have time to go on a date tonight…” Eve says, pitifully. 

Ben is available today- well, he does have that essay to write, but he can always finish that when he gets back home- so he clears his throat, bracing himself. 

“I’m free today.”

Eleanor looks at him and scowls, before pretending like she never heard him. Ben rolls his eyes, because this was expected of her, and he repeats himself. “I’m available!”

Fabiola throws an arm around Eleanor, shaking her. “Come on, El. Give him a chance.”

Ben smiles awkwardly, clearing his throat. “I’ve read a lot of Shakespeare. _To be or not to be-_ ”

“ _That is the question,_ yeah, yeah, we get it. Could you not have chosen a more _basic_ Shakespeare quote? It’s so overused.” Eleanor grumbles, but Ben smirks at how she’s finally acknowledged his existence after days of not budging. 

“It is overused. Maybe we could talk about it after school? When I’m helping you practice your drama skit?”

The three of them stare at Eleanor expectantly, before she sighs, rolling her eyes. “Fine,” She deadpans, glaring at Ben. “Just this once. And if you make fun of me-”

“I will not,” Ben interrupts, smiling. “Don’t worry.”

He swears that for a split second, the corners of her lips tug up, before she frowns again, her forehead wrinkling. 

“Okay.”

* * *

“So…” Ben speaks, his foot bouncing up and down nervously. “Can I have the script?”

“Why?” Eleanor asks, from where she’s leaning against the desk. He’s taken aback by how accusatory she sounds… does he seem like that much of a monster?

“Uh… so I can read the lines of the other person? You know, do what I’m here for?”

It’s then that she loosens up, and mouths an _oh,_ before handing him the second copy of the script. He reads the title of the Shakespeare play, eyes lighting up in recognition. “ _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ _!_ I don't remember much, but this play was like a fever dream when we read it for ninth grade English class…” He says, and Eleanor stifles a giggle.

“Yeah, it’s weird. Anyways, good thing you’re familiar with it. Flip to act three, scene one. We’ll be practicing the highlighted scene only today. I’m Titania, and you’re Bottom.”

_Wait a minute…_ from what Ben remembers, he knows that Puck, the mischievous fairy creature in the forest, turns Bottom’s head into a donkey’s… and then it hits him. 

“You’re making me play the guy with an ass’s head?!” He exclaims disbelievingly, crossing his arms. 

Eleanor sighs, pressing her fingers to her temple. “Ben. This is just practice. Imagine how sorrowful it must be for the guy in my drama class who’s playing him for the _actual_ skit.”

He laughs before shrugging, deciding that she’s right. Poor guy, whoever he must be.

Her eyes then flutter shut, and she opens them dramatically, her face morphing into confusion. “ _What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?_ ” She asks in character, drowsily. Ben darts his eyes to the script in his hands, awkwardly standing up from his chair. 

“Uh… _the finch, the sparrow and the lark-_ ”

“Ben!” She whisper-shouts, smacking his arm. “You have to sing.”

He widens his eyes, before groaning. He did _not_ sign up for this. “Jesus, alright... _The plain-song cuckoo gray, whose note full many a man doth mark, and dares not answer nay;-- for, indeed, who would set his wit to so foolish,_ ” He sings in terrible tune (he’s never considered himself as a singer), and she covers her ears with squinted eyes. 

“ _A bird? Who would give a bird the lie, though he cry, 'cuckoo' never so?_ Please tell me the singing is over...” Ben begs, shifting in and out of character. 

“It is,” Eleanor answers, dropping her hands to her side. “ _I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again: mine ear is much enamour'd of thy note; so is mine eye enthralled to thy shape-_ ” She moves closer to him, and Ben struggles to hold his laughter. “ _-and thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me, on the first view to say, to swear, I love thee._ ”

“Okay, how does Titania fall in love with someone who currently has a donkey's head? Or, quite literally, an _ass_ for a head?” Ben asks, the sheer ridiculousness of it all making it difficult for him to focus. Eleanor sighs tiredly. “Puck, the same fairy guy who gave Bottom a donkey head, casts a spell on Titania to make her fall in love with the first person she sees, which is you.”

“Was Shakespeare on drugs while wri-” Eleanor punches him in the gut, stopping him mid-sentence. “Read the lines!” She commands, strictly, and he straightens up at her tone.

“ _Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason for that: and yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days; the more the pity that some honest neighbours will not, make them friends. Nay, I can gleek upon occasion._ ” He reads his lines, trying to add some life to them, but it’s not easy to do that when he doesn’t understand the words he’s saying. He’s always been a history nerd, but never one for Shakespeare or plays in general (he considers himself more of a Socrates, philosophy kind of guy). 

Eleanor brings her hand up to Ben’s face, lightly resting her fingers on his cheek, and the touch makes him jolt, partly because he’s not expecting it. 

“ _Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful._ ” She whispers, with half-lidded eyes. 

He peers down at the paper in his hand, stifling a giggle. “ _Not so, neither: but if I had wit enough to get out of this wood, I have enough to serve mine own turn._ ” He says, and it is the last highlighted line, so he assumes that his job is done. He can’t help but let a snort slip, and to his surprise, Eleanor starts laughing too, her teeth shining.

But then she immediately shifts, yanking her hand back, and her eyes darken back to the usual. _Wow, she’s a really good actress_ , Ben thinks, because she’s able to switch from A to B so easily. 

She takes the script back from him, stuffing it into her backpack, but then she places another piece of paper into his palms. 

_Eleanor’s Monologue Presentation,_ it reads, and he looks up at her confused. 

“It's day after tomorrow in the drama classroom during lunch, if you’re interested in coming. I’ll be performing a monologue I wrote.” She mutters, keeping her eyes glued to the floor the entire time, before walking away.

He has a Model UN meeting that day, but he figures he’ll cancel for Eleanor, not only because it seems interesting, but also because he wants to support her and her clear talent in acting.

It’s just the human thing to do.

* * *

Ben shows up on Wednesday with a box of donuts in his hand, but when he walks in, the chairs are all empty. He trudges over to the middle of the room, searching for Eleanor. Did he misread the room number? Is this the wrong room?

“Ben? You… you came?”

_Oh!_ He turns around in relief. “Eleanor!” He chirps, handing the box in his hand to her. “Here are some donuts. I could only buy one box with my own credit card, but maybe everyone can split them in half or something. I estimated about thirty to forty people coming, so,” He stops when she sticks her bottom lip out, sensing something is wrong. 

“What happened?” He asks quietly, trying not to upset her even further. At getting no reply, he sets the box down on a nearby chair, seating himself next to it. He glances at the clock- ten minutes have passed, but nobody’s here yet?

“Ben,” She chokes out, and when she turns around, her eyes are glossy. “No one’s coming.”

His heart drops to his stomach. “What?”

“No one’s coming. Not my own friends, not the rest of the drama club.”

“Why not?” He asks, extremely confused. 

“You probably already know Fab and Eve are sick at home. Devi’s in India. Jonah and the rest of my friends have their own clubs today, and they can’t skip. But the drama club… I don’t know why none of them showed up yet.” She says, voice quivering. 

Ben skipped a Model UN meeting for this, and he knows a lot of clubs hold meetings on Wednesday, but he can’t help but feel angry at her club mates for not showing up. He doesn't know much about the art of friendship, and everything is still new to him, but he's pretty _damn_ sure that friends are supposed to _support_ each other.

A part of him also knows that staring at Eleanor, who looks alone and sullen, reminds him of himself, and empathy overrides his mind. He needs to be there for her right now, because that’s what he wants when he feels abandoned- for someone to lift his spirits.

Ben gets up, and walks over to Eleanor, crossing his arms. “Hey,” He says, sounding mock-annoyed. “I came here for a monologue presentation. When is that going to start?”

Eleanor looks up at him, and her tears disappear as her expression morphs to anger. “Are you serious right now? Nobody’s here to hear it!”

He gasps, placing a hand over his heart dramatically. “What about me? I want to hear it. How rude of you!” He exasperates, pouting. Ben then shifts to a more serious tone. "All jokes aside... I came to see your awesome monologue presentation, and I'll be really disappointed if I leave this room without getting to watch it."

Eleanor suppresses a smile at his words, before nodding, and walking onto to the classroom's small stage.

As she presents her monologue, Ben doesn’t tear his eyes off of her once. She’s encapsulating, and extremely talented at acting. It’s amazing, and kind of inspiring, the way she delivers lines that he cannot understand in text, but makes it comprehensible to him in feeling. And it’s only her on stage- no props, no script, no backdrop- yet she executes an amazing performance. 

He gives her a standing ovation at the end, and Eleanor smiles widely. There’s something in her expression that shows she’s grateful to him for supporting her, and he holds it close to his heart. 

“Thank you for coming, Ben.” She says, once she makes it back down to the floor. He doesn’t say anything, just opens the box of donuts and gestures for her to take one. 

They eventually end up sitting on the stage, munching on donuts and finishing the box just between the two of them. 

“How did you get into acting?” Ben asks, breaking the silence.

She stiffens, shifting awkwardly in her position. “Uh, my Mom always wanted to become an actress. So, I guess it’s because of her.”

Ben feels something close to envy stir in his gut, at the sound of a possibly caring mother. “She must be extremely proud of you… I mean, you’re amazing at acting.” 

She freezes, and her expression sours. “She’s, well… no. I don’t think she is.”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t she be?”

Eleanor sighs, placing her half eaten donut on the tissue in front of her. “She left me when I was a kid to pursue her dreams. I grew up without her, and my stepmothers- plural because my Dad dates a lot- always sucked. She sent me postcards from her acting cruises, and they always inspired me and pushed me to pursue acting as a profession. I looked up to her like an inspiration.”

Ben raises his eyebrows. “But then?”

“In sophomore year, during the time everything was happening with Devi, I found her working at a restaurant nearby as a waitress, and I felt betrayed. Apparently she’d gotten kicked off the cruise months before that day, yet she’d lied to me the entire time, sending fake postcards. I just… she said that the reason she lied was because she didn’t want her daughter to think of her as a failure. But, _god,_ I didn’t care about that! All I wanted was a mother. I didn’t care about whether she was a failed actress, I just wanted my Mom back.”

Ben’s heart breaks a little for her. He can easily relate to her pain. Sometimes, he thinks about how he’d prefer if his parents weren't rich, but just present, unlike how it is now. He doesn’t care about how much money his parents make, he just wants them to be _there_ for him. That’s all he wants from them.

Turns out Eleanor wants the same thing from her mother. 

“What happened then?”

“With some help from Devi and Fab, we patched things up. I was the happiest I'd been in years! I thought everything was back to normal again, that she was back for good. But then… she came to my drama rehearsal, and then left with a stupid letter. And I never saw her again.” She says, biting her bottom lip to stop herself from crying. 

“God, that sucks.” Ben mutters, looking down. 

“And I know I’m complaining about nothing. Because at least she’s alive, right? Devi has it way worse, right? But I can’t help but feel a… a _void_. It kind of hurts more knowing that one of your parents is alive, but they’re _choosing_ to spend time away from you.”

Her words really hit him hard, because they’re exactly how he feels. He should be grateful that his parents are alive, but it hurts more knowing that they choose to spend that much time away from him. Sometimes, it feels like his own parents don't like him.

An afterthought. That's what he is to Mister and Missus Gross. An afterthought.

Eleanor is one too, to her mother. Together, they are both products of negligence, PSA warnings of what never spending time with your child can do to them. 

They're both afterthoughts, and in that sense, he feels akin to Eleanor, like they’re the same, although her situation is much worse than his.

“I mean, it may not match up to your struggles, but I kind of know how you feel." Ben mumbles, and Eleanor scoffs. “You?” She asks, disbelievingly.

“Yes, _me_. My parents are never home. The last time I had a family dinner was at Devi’s house… in sophomore year. They always abandon me, even on important dates like my birthday. And when I was young, they never came to science fairs or competitions. Devi’s dad congratulated me at those… not my own parents. And I’ve spent more time with Patty growing up than them.”

Eleanor gazes at him sadly, clicking her tongue. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be,” He says, laughing dryly. “It’s whatever. They give me money, and a big ass roof above my head. Isn’t that enough?”

She shakes her head, and places a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “It’s not. Is that why you brag about how rich you are and name-drop celebs all the time?”

He smirks half-genuinely, shrugging. “Maybe. It’s like a defense mechanism.” 

Eleanor laughs while grabbing another donut, offering it to him. He stares at it blankly for a few seconds, before taking it, a gleam in his eyes.

“We’re more similar than I thought we were, huh?” She asks rhetorically, and Ben nods. 

“Yup.”

“Kindred souls.” She declares while tilting her head, smiling at him in a way she never has before. It’s warm, inviting, vulnerable, and it makes Ben feel _welcome._

“You helped Devi with her father back in sophomore year. That should have been the first sign. Most recently, you befriended Eve, you helped Fab with her hydraulic arm. And you’re the only one that showed up today. Yet I still held a grudge against you for that stupid nickname you made when we were kids...” She says remorsefully, shaking her head.

Ben waves his hand over his shoulder, trying to show that he’s over it. “We were dumb kids. I honestly only ever had a problem with Devi.” He jokes, and Eleanor smirks. “Your rivalry is forever iconic.”

"I'm really sorry about the whole UN thing, though..." He admits, quietly, and she hums.

"Like you said, we were dumb kids. It's okay. You're forgiven."

He’s been trying really hard to change, to rub off his loud, brash, school persona and be more vulnerable with the rest of the world. But he wonders whether he’ll ever be successful. It’s tiring, having to be this open with people who’ve gotten used to his alter ego. Is he even succeeding? Is it even worth it?

Then, Eleanor stares into his eyes seriously, like she’s trying to be honest with him. 

“I didn’t realize it before, but… you’re a good person, Ben. And an even better _friend._ ” She says, not an inch of falseness in her tone, and those are all the words he needs to hear to know that the answer is _yes_. It is worth it. 

_Operation ‘Befriend Eleanor’: successful._

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ **

~~**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ ** ~~

~~**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ ** ~~

~~**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ ** ~~

_Operation ‘Befriend Paxton’: in action._

  
  



	5. imperfect is the new perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He turns around, and drops the bag in his hand. Paxton stands silently, with his arms laying by his side, and he’s staring off into the distance. It makes Ben panic, because now he's certain he's messed up any chances he had with Paxton before this._
> 
> _“Hey, dude, I’m sorry. I know they won’t report you or anything but, if this gets you into deep shit, I’m sorry man. I don’t know why I overreacted, it’s just-”_
> 
> _“Did you mean what you said?” He asks all of a sudden, his voice small and constrained._
> 
> _Ben freezes. “I… What?” He stammers, in confusion._
> 
> _“Do you think I’m smart?” He lifts his head up to look at him, and there’s something in his gaze that looks tired, yet hopeful._
> 
> _Ben nervously gulps, softly smiling at him. “Yes,” He answers truthfully. “I do.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....hey :D
> 
> so, even tho im a benvi+ben lover, i really do adore paxton. i hope that the next season delves into his character a bit more, but even more than that, i really want to see him and ben become friends! i'm kind of a sucker for the two love interests developing a bomb-ass friendship. i live for it.
> 
> a lot of ben's nervousness is based off the way he stammered while talking to paxton in the hallway. (btw, love that small little convo they have... paxton being all smug about him staring... a lot of ppl head-canon ben as bi, and that would be really cool if it's true aksjsks) lol i lowkey ended up kinda shipping bexton by the end of this, ngl.
> 
> i also feel like it's clear that ben is jealous and insecure when it comes to paxton and how 'perfect' he is, so i delved into that this chapter, and him realizing that even the ones we view as perfect are humans at the end of the day. (also, ben being jealous of devi+paxton's past relationship is fun to insinuate)
> 
> this chapter is longer than the previous ones, since paxton and ben don't have much history, nor do they really know much about each other, so i had to make the progression of their friendship seem as natural as possible. although it's not as long as the next one or the last one (devi's, and the finale) :D
> 
> okay, anyways, enjoyyy <3

“Oh my god, Ben!” 

Eleanor shoves him playfully, snatching her phone from his hands. “What?” He asks, snickering. 

“You were about to message Oliver that whole paragraph! Are you crazy?!” 

Ben groans. This entire day, she’s been complaining about how she thinks that Oliver doesn’t pay enough attention to her. She asked him for advice (adding on about how Ben’s a boy and speaks _boy_ language, whatever that meant), and so he told her to directly tell him what she felt.

Apparently direct communication is a preposterous idea, because currently, all the girls are beating him up for it during lunch. 

“You all are so weird… how is sending him a text about how you truly feel a _crazy_ idea?” Ben asks, genuinely confused.

Eve laughs from where she’s sitting beside Ben, and wraps an arm around his shoulder. “He’s right. The boy is right!”

“No, he isn’t!” Fabiola exclaims, shaking her head. “Listen. Here’s what you should do, El. Just ignore him and give him a taste of his own medicine!”

Being friends with girls gives Ben opportunities to learn things. Today, Ben learns that Fab and El specifically are always incredibly bad at making good decisions.

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Do you want to break up with him? Cause that’s what’s gonna happen if you do that.” Ben says, and Eve supports him, nodding. 

Suddenly his phone buzzes, and he checks his notifications. 

_Appointment with Dr. Ryan at 5 pm,_ he reads in his head, and groans. 

“What is it?” Fabiola asks, peeking over curiously. “A secret lover?” Eleanor teases, and Ben shoves his phone back down his pocket, scoffing.

“It’s nothing.”

* * *

“So. You’ve made it halfway through your list!”

“Actually, I’ve made it further than that. Three out of five are my friends. And honestly, I already feel less lonely. So, maybe, just maybe-”

Dr. Ryan clicks her tongue, shaking her finger. “Nuh-uh. You are _not_ stopping here.”

Ben groans, stomping his foot like a toddler. “Why not? Listen. Eve, Fab, and El are amazing friends. I don’t need to make any more.”

“This list isn’t only to make you less lonely. You chose all these people for a reason, whether it was to make things right, or to clear past grudges, or some other personal problem. Why did you choose Paxton as your second future friend? He’s already graduated. There’s clearly a reason behind it.”

“Because he’s popular?” He says, but deep down inside, he knows he’s lying. Some part of him has always had a grudge against Paxton for being the perfect guy that he is (and for stealing Devi from him, but he's over that); for being more popular and handsome (and for being Devi’s first choice, pushing Ben to her second- again, he’s _totally_ over that); for being good at sports (and for ruining anything that could have happened between him and Devi with one voicemail- no, he _is_ over her!).

Dr. Ryan sighs, crossing her legs. “You know, Ben, if you’re not gonna be honest with me, there’s no point to these sessions.”

“Ugh, fine! I’ve always been jealous of him,” Ben admits, avoiding eye contact. His cheeks burn up, because it’s something he’s never admitted to anyone, not even himself. 

“Why?”

“You’ve seen him!” He exclaims, flailing his arms up in the air. “I know Devi’s probably shown you pictures of him. His six pack abs put every boy in Sherman Oaks to shame. His jawline can slice bread. And… he’s perfect.”

“Does this have anything to do with Devi?” She asks, and Ben immediately feels uneasy. This is dangerous territory they’re treading onto. He does _not_ have any feelings for that girl, and he never did. _Ever._

(Maybe once, he did-)

“No. He’s just perfect. That’s all.”

“Nobody’s perfect. You know that, right? Paxton probably has his own insecurities too,” She says, calmly. “He probably has his own struggles too.”

“Paxton _Perfect_ Hall-Yoshida? Really?” Ben asks sarcastically, but he knows she’s right. It’s the reason he wants to befriend him. He wants to know more about him, to break into his outer shell, to see the real him. 

He’d like to have the confirmation that Paxton isn’t the perfect man everyone thinks he is, to make Ben feel better about his own imperfect self. And maybe, just maybe, he can make a friend along the way. Paxton does seem like a cool guy.

“He has a basketball game tonight, and… I don’t know if I should go.” 

Dr. Ryan smiles, nodding encouragingly. “Go. Befriend Paxton, and I promise you, you’ll feel amazing once you do.”

Ben pauses, before taking a deep breath. “Alright.”

* * *

Ben arrives at the college’s basketball court with nothing but his phone, which is getting wet from how clammy his hands are. He tells himself to calm down, because it’s just Paxton, but that’s the problem.

It’s Paxton. 

“Come on, hustle!” He hears a coach yell, as a line of men scuttle to the center of the court. Ben’s still awkwardly standing near the bottom of the bleachers, unsure on where to sit. 

“Ben?” Someone calls out from behind, startling him. He turns around, a little on edge. How does this girl know his name?

“Uh… hi?” He manages to speak, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. She smiles warmly at him, placing a hand on her waist. “I’m Rebecca, Paxton’s sister. I kind of guessed it was you from pictures I’ve seen. Devi used to talk about you sometimes too, so…”

There's a lot of information to process- her being Paxton’s sister, and Devi talking a lot about him to her, so much that she managed to recognize him- but he swallows dryly, mustering a half-smile. 

“Ahh. Cool to meet you, Rebecca.” 

She sticks her hand out, and it sends him into peril. His hands are so terribly sweaty, the Pacific Ocean has nothing on them. So, he curls his fingers into a fist instead, sticking it out tentatively, and she raises an eyebrow before clenching her hand and bumping her fist against his.

“Sweaty hands?” She asks, and Ben is impressed at how she already knows. “Yep,” He laughs airily, and she nods. “I feel you. I’ve always had sweaty hands. It’s never been helpful, especially when sewing.”

Sewing?

“Wait, you know how to sew?”

“Yeah, I’m a fashion major. Still taking the course,” She says, pointing finger guns at him. Ben lights up at hearing this new information. Honestly, she sounds so damn cool, and- dammit. Even Paxton’s _sister_ is cool. Does it run in the family?

“That’s awesome. You seem really cool!” He exclaims, and Rebecca shrugs. “I try.”

“I wish I was talented at something like that. Honestly, the only thing I’ve got going for me right now are my grades. Good enough to get me into a good law program at Yale, but sometimes I wish I had some other talent. Like singing, or sports, or dancing.”

“Hey. Everyone has some creative talent inside of them. Have you tried art?”

Ben has tried art before, and he was kind of good at it, until his fifth grade art teacher told him that only losers drew in anime style and destroyed his confidence. So, no, drawing isn’t really his thing.

“Yep, but I’m not good at it.”

She hums pitifully. “Creative writing? Poetry?”

Before he can reply, a boy runs up to them, all sweaty in a drenched jersey, and Ben has to squint to recognize that it’s…

Paxton.

“Becca, can you bring me my water bottle? It’s on the bench,” He says, before he notices Ben, who’s awkwardly standing beside her. Rebecca nods, swiftly leaving to do what her brother’s asked of her.

“Uh… Ben, right? What are you doing here?”

Surprised at Paxton remembering his name, he straightens up, feeling a little more bold. “Hey,” He says, waving. “I just saw that you had a game today on your Instagram page… thought I’d show up since I’m free.”

He tilts his head, eyeing him suspiciously. “You came to support... me?”

Ben slowly nods, and his throat goes dry, tongue feeling heavy. Why is he getting so nervous around him? And, _goddammit_ , Paxton is super intimidating even when he’s all wet and smelly. It must be a skill.

“Yes,” He chokes out, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “And to watch. It sounds fun.”

Before Paxton can reply, Rebecca returns with his water bottle, and so he runs back to where the rest of his teammates are before their conversation can continue any longer. 

“Come on, let’s get a seat.” She tells Ben, and he follows her as she leads him up the bleachers to an empty spot. He’s partly relieved that he won’t be sitting alone the entire game.

For the next two hours, he watches on the edge of his seat as the two teams one up each other by a point each. It’s excruciating, seeing Home (which is Paxton’s team) be in the lead, and then Guest take lead, and then Home, then Guest, then Home, passing the winning title to each other each time one team scores a shot.

He keeps his eyes glued onto Paxton the entire time (well, he _is_ the only one he knows), and he joins Rebecca in cheering for him (because at the end of the day, Paxton is one of their own, a resident of Sherman Oaks). At one point, the jock looks up while he’s dribbling the ball, and smiles at Rebecca, before shifting his attention back to the game.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how much Paxton loves his sister, and it’s admirable in a sense, just how much he appreciates her. He even shouts out “This one’s for you, Becca!” before slam-dunking a shot (which seems impossible for Ben, who doesn’t really think basketball is his forte), and Ben stifles a laugh at how some girls groan in disappointment throughout the audience, probably because they're unaware that Becca is his sister, not his girlfriend. 

He may not know if Paxton is imperfect yet...

But now he definitely knows he’s a nice guy.

* * *

At the end of the game, Ben bids goodbye to Rebecca, and he quickly makes his way right outside the college. As soon as he’s about to call an Uber, he hears an unexpected someone yell his name from behind.

“Ben! Wait up!”

He swivels around to see Paxton, who’s now changed into a grey tee and brown khakis, running up to him with his duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He pushes the door open and steps outside, facing Ben.

“Listen,” He pants. Ben’s a little intrigued as to how someone as athletic as Paxton is panting from only running a few meters. 

“Uh, sure. What’s up?”

“I know you’re aware that I’ve always been more of a sports guy… I mean, I’m going to a college that mainly centers around basketball and swimming.” Paxton says, and Ben nods. Of course he knows that. Who doesn’t?

“But I’m also taking a math course, cause my father’s like, super strict about me minoring in an academic subject. And it’s real-” He lowers his volume, making sure no one’s around them. “ _-hard._ It’s fucking hard for me, man.” 

_Oh,_ Ben mouths. 

“And our professor gave us this dumbass project about- I don’t even fucking know the name! Oh my god,” His voice becomes shrill, and Ben holds back a smile at his clumsy mannerisms. Paxton breathes in, pinching his nose. “Something about… Pascal? The chameleon from that movie, Tangled.”

“Pascal’s Triangle?” Ben suggests, and Paxton nods excitedly. “That! See, of course you know what it is. Anyways, I need to write a report about patterns in Pascal’s triangle by tomorrow, but I’ve been zoning out in class and…”

Ben raises his eyebrows, smirking. He’s waiting to hear those words from his mouth, because never in his life did he ever think he’d witness this moment, so he needs to savor it when it happens.

“Can you help me with it?” 

The blue-eyed boy pauses, pretending to ponder for a moment. Paxton slaps his forehead, groaning. “Nevermind, you must be busy with senior year stuff. But, it’ll just take an hour or two? I’ll drive you to my dorm, I have some good snacks if you’re hungry, and I’ll pay you back with money or something, bro. Anything. I just don’t want to fail-”

He rambles on and on, and Ben’s taken aback by _the_ Paxton Hall-Yoshida, practically begging him for his help.

“Sure,” He answers cheekily, stopping Paxton mid-sentence. “I’ll help.”

The drive to his dorm is silent and awkward, but thankfully short. Ben follows Paxton as they pass the entrance, and into the dormitory hallways.

He spots a few boys walking towards them, and he swears he can see Paxton wince. He doesn’t have much time to wonder why though, because the answer to his question comes pretty quickly.

“Paxton! What’s up, man!” One of them yells, and the others hoot. Ben grits his teeth. Of course he’s popular on campus too. Why wouldn’t he be?

“My dude, do you know two plus two yet?” The tallest one says, laughing right after. Ben tries to find what’s funny in his sentence, and assumes it must be some inside joke. But when he turns to look at Paxton, he’s not laughing. In fact, even under the dim lighting of the corridor, he can tell that his skin is a little flushed.

Something’s not right.

“Bro, you’re asking too much of him. Mr. Raveend could ask him what one times one is and he’d probably answer two!” Someone from behind quips, and the rest of them snicker. 

“Haha, real funny.” Paxton deadpans, and he pulls on Ben’s sleeve, urging him to walk faster. But as soon as they pass the group, the boys scatter behind, following the two.

“Why are you running away from us, bro? Is that your fight or flight instinct kicking in?”

“Paxton’s a dumbass. It’s why he’s failing the course.”

“He should have just stuck to basketball like the dummy he is.”

“You're stealing all the girls from us, man! We’re meant for Math, not you! Stick to banging the bimbos!"

It's a little too much, all the insults they’re throwing at him. Ben doesn’t have to know much about friendship to come to the conclusion that they _aren’t_ Paxton’s friends like he originally assumed, and even if they are, they’re terrible ones. 

“Your sister probably knows more of the times table than you, and she’s a freak!”

At this snipe, Paxton halts, and his grip on Ben slips loose. Ben turns to look at him, and as expected, his face and neck is flushed red in anger, but his eyes also look glossy, as if he’s about to…

_Cry?_

Ben feels anger bubble up inside of him. Apparently, Paxton isn’t perfect. He isn't that good at academics. He should be happy that he’s found a flaw in him… but instead he feels annoyed, _frustrated_ at these random, jealous boys who are insulting Paxton for no reason… and now they’re bringing Rebecca into the mix?

_Calm down,_ Ben tells himself. _Don’t do anything stupid._

“Hey, dummy! Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t feel like a popular jock anymore, do you? That’s right, stay quiet you pussy-”

The switch that forces Ben to listen to the rational side of his thoughts flips off, and all hell breaks loose.

_Fuck it._

He swivels around, and grabs Paxton’s duffel bag, before swinging it with both of his arms and knocking three of them straight in the head. 

They yelp in pain, gripping their noggins. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” One of them spits out, voice strained. Ben breathes heavily, partly in shock from what he's done, and partly in anger, before lifting the duffel bag threateningly. 

“Paxton isn’t dumb. He’s smart in many ways. Just because one subject isn’t his strong suit doesn’t mean you can shit on the guy for no reason.” Ben says, and from the corner of his eyes, he can see Paxton’s mouth is agape. 

“He’s a good guy, and I can’t tolerate you assholes trying to beat him down just because you’re jealous he gets more girls than you do. Let’s face it, y’all are mad that he came into math class and caught all the girls’ attention, stealing them away from you.”

There’s five of them total, so the two who didn’t get hit threaten to punch Ben by shaking their fists, but he smirks confidently, unafraid. Usually, he’s a coward when it comes to fights, but the power of an adrenaline rush is immense. Plus, all the confidence he’s gained from having to befriend people definitely has some role in how weirdly bold he’s getting.

“From now on, leave Paxton alone. Okay? Oh, and,” He leans in closer to the one who made a snide comment about Rebecca, pointing a finger at his face. “Leave his sister alone as well. For your own safety too, because I know Paxton will not hesitate to beat the _fuck_ out of you if you dare even lay a finger on her. Got it?”

The boys growl, but don’t make any move. 

“Who the fuck are you even? Is he your boyfriend or what?” The shortest mutters, while holding the crown of his head in pain, but he flinches when Ben glares at him. The nerve of this guy… _sheesh._

“Leave. Shoo! All of you!” Ben commands. He’s thankful that he’s wearing his insoles today (he’s a pretty short guy, so a little boost in the height department makes them take him a little more seriously). 

“You think we’re gonna listen to what you’re saying?” One of them retorts. 

“Listen buddy, you got two choices. One; either you all leave un- well, _partially_ unscathed, or,” He lifts the heavy bag in his hand up (his arm is starting to get tired of holding it now), darting his eyes towards it. “You get the duffel to your dicks.”

They put their hands up in the air in surrender, before scattering away, grumbling a string of curse words under their breath. It’s when their silhouettes disappear into the dark that Ben feels the full force of what he’s done.

“Oh my god,” He breathes in, widening his eyes. “What did I just do?!” 

He looks around, and sighs in relief seeing that they’re at a pretty empty part of the corridor. If this commotion had happened even a few minutes later, they’d have been fighting near where everyone’s rooms are, and then they’d have an audience watching. 

Ben’s never done something like this before- well, once he’d told off his classmate for being racist towards Devi and her friends in first grade, but he’d done it out of their view, and secretly. Defending your nemesis and her nerd clique in front of her wasn't a good look.

It’s surprising how confident he felt in that moment- all while in the defense of... _Paxton?_

He turns around, and drops the bag in his hand. Paxton stands silently, with his arms laying by his side, and he’s staring off into the distance. It makes Ben panic, because now he's certain he messed up any chances he had with Paxton before this. 

“Hey, dude, I’m sorry. I know they won’t report you or anything but, if this gets you into deep shit, I’m sorry man. I don’t know why I overreacted, it’s just-”

“Did you mean what you said?” He asks all of a sudden, his voice small and constrained. 

Ben freezes. “I… What?” He stammers, in confusion.

“Do you think I’m smart?” He lifts his head up to look at him, and there’s something in his gaze that looks tired, yet hopeful. 

Ben nervously gulps, softly smiling at him. “Yes,” He answers truthfully. “I do.”

The corner of Paxton’s lips tug up, and his eyes glint in the dark. He walks up to the younger one, and for a second Ben thinks he’s about to hug him, until he grabs his duffel bag and slings it over his shoulder. “Anyways, let me bring you to my dorm already.”

Ben sighs, walking beside him. Their shoulders brush against each other as they make their way through the hallways, finally stopping at his door.

“You live alone?”

“Yeah,” Paxton says. “I used to have a couple of my boys live here with me, hence why the room is pretty big for a single person dorm, but they left and bought a house together. If you couldn’t tell, this hallway is full of assholes. A lot of them take the same math course as me. For some reason, they hate us jocks. Can’t blame my guys for leaving.”

Ben scoffs. “They're probably just jealous of you guys. Why don’t you move out soon?”

Paxton waits for Ben to walk in, before shutting the door behind them. “Eh. Too much work. And money. Plus, dorms are on campus, so it's easier to get to classes and stuff.”

Ben settles himself onto Paxton’s couch, stretching his arms out. He notices the mini TV flat-screen he has installed on the wall across.

"By the way... your sister is cool."

Paxton raises an eyebrow curiously. "Rebecca?"

"Yeah."

The older one looks him over once suspiciously, before he loosens up. "I know. She's the best. It's why I'm so overprotective of her."

Ben nods, and clears his throat. “So, why don’t we get started on this math project?” He asks, after yawning, and Paxton looks back at him, mirroring his smile.

“Sure… but first,” He plops himself next to him, and grabs two video game controllers lying on the table. Ben’s confused as to what he has planned- is he just going to sit here and watch Paxton play games while he does his math project for him?

But then he hands one of the controllers to Ben- he notes that it’s red, his favorite color- with a lopsided grin on his face. “Play Call of Duty with me.”

_Woah,_ Ben thinks. COD is his favorite game of all time, but he’s always played it alone, or with Patty (who's, no offense, really bad at understanding the rules of the game), and now he gets to play it in multiplayer mode? With real people he knows, not some random five year olds over the internet? Sick!

And out of everyone in the world to play with… Paxton?

He’d be crazy to refuse such a nice offer. Even though Ben’s work ethic is, in fact, _violated_ (he likes to start a task and finish it before partaking in leisurely activities), he figures that for once he should be allowed to break it and have fun.

“Sure,” He replies, smirking at him competitively. “Let’s do this.”

* * *

It’s a week later that he gets a message from an unknown number, asking him to come to a frat party.

It’s Paxton, of course (who else would be inviting him to a _frat_ party?), and when Ben gets the message while he’s lying lazily in his bed, he squeals excitedly, kicking his blanket off and rejoicing. Who knew he’d hit it off with Paxton so well? It’s only a matter of time before they’re friends, maybe even _close_ friends.

But when he arrives at the party, and everyone is unfamiliar, he feels alone yet again. He’s sure he’s never felt this alone before, in a crowd full of people he doesn’t know, and where he's unknown to them as well.

“Benjamin!” Paxton yells when he spots the awkward boy, and throws an arm around him. Judging by the touchiness and the smell coming from his mouth, Ben can definitely tell that he’s had a couple shots too many.

“Come on,” He drawls, dragging him to the front of the house, and he pushes the door open, leading him outside. There are a bunch of people gathered on the pavement of the driveway, passing a basketball to one another while trying to aim for the net in the center. 

“Play with us. You helped me get a killer score on that project, it’s the least I can do for you.” He mutters, pressing his cheek against his, and _woah,_ Paxton is really touchy when drunk.

Ben nods, biting back a remark about how he actually sucks at the sport. He’s good at many things (like university math), but basketball isn’t one of them.

“Guys! This is Benny Boy. Benjamin. Ben Gross,”

“Gross? That’s your last name?” One of them quips, laughing. 

Ben shrugs. He’s used to it.

“Anyways, he’s gonna play with us, okay?” Paxton says while ruffling Ben’s hair, and then he grabs the basketball from his friend, dribbling it alongside the line separating the pavement and the grass. Suddenly, he turns around, passing the ball to Ben, who barely catches it. 

“He’s on my team,” Paxton says, slurring his words a little. “And for the rest of you, all the homies that do swimming with me are on my team.”

It’s really impressive how Paxton is balancing basketball, swimming, and academic university courses. He really is smart, even if he struggles with some aspects of it. 

Ben bounces the ball, before sloppily passing it to a guy he assumes is on his team. The guy glares at him, before running up to their side of the net, but his friends on the other team block him, making it hard for him to shoot, so he passes the ball to Paxton.

Paxton is about to shoot, but he glances at Ben who’s standing idly, and throws the ball to him. 

Ben catches the ball, but it hits his chest in the process with a hard thud, knocking the air right out of his lungs. He doesn’t wait to let it return though, because he's burdened by the unspoken, but immense pressure from his teammates who want him to score before he’s crowded by defense, and so he throws the ball up blindly, hoping that it’ll go through the hoop.

Much to his dismay, it doesn’t.

In fact, it doesn’t even reach the backboard. It lands in the opposing team’s hands instead.

_Yikes,_ Ben thinks. _Way to go._

He allows himself some time to steady his breathing, his chest beginning to pain less. Paxton notices, and trails his way up to him. For a second, he's afraid that the older one is mad at him for messing up the shot, but then he places a hand on his shoulder while seeming concerned, surprising Ben.

“Dude, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” He affirms shakily, pressing a hand to his sternum. “Yep. I am.”

“Bro,” One of them shouts. “Your little friend over here sucks at this.”

“ _Marcus,_ ” Paxton starts, gritting his teeth. “Don’t.”

“Isn’t he a year younger than us? This little pipsqueak helped you with your math assignment, right?” Another one questions, while dribbling the basketball through his legs.

“Stick to the nerdy stuff, kid. You suck at this.” The tall guy- no, Marcus, spits out, and the tips of Ben’s ears go red. It’s really chilly outside (close to Spring Break), but he feels so hot at this moment, mainly from humiliation.

“Plus, what are you? Like, five foot two?” Marcus jibes, and his friend laughs, giving him a high-five. 

Ben swallows dryly, his throat feeling prickly from the air. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, walking away slowly. He doesn't feel very comfortable at this moment, nor does whatever's left of his pride. “Sorry,” Is all he can manage to say, before quickening his pace, but Paxton suddenly grabs his arm, pulling him back. 

“Guys. Leave him alone.” Paxton says, with such seriousness that Ben wonders whether he’s somehow sober again. “Why?” Marcus asks, smiling, but it drops when he sees Paxton’s hardened expression.

“Ben is smart, and good-looking. He’s also pretty nice and funny. So what if he’s a little bad at basketball? He’s good at everything else. And, and,” Paxton’s Adam's apple bobs up and down, in what Ben assumes is an angry gulp.

“I suck at math. It's just a fact. And the guy barely knows me, yet he stood up for me when those losers were bothering me. You guys know how much it _sucked_ to hear them insult us, right? You all hated it so much that you moved out. Yet now, you’re acting the same as those fuckers. What makes you different from them?”

His friends go quiet, actually considering his words as they look at Ben guiltily. 

“I _like_ Ben. My sister likes him too. And you know how picky I am with liking people, right? I don’t let people into my life easily,” He turns to look at Ben and places a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. Ben can feel himself melting away at his nice gesture, at Paxton standing up for him. He knows he isn’t anything spectacular, he’s not even good enough to be defended by someone as popular as Paxton, but he’s not complaining. He likes this- likes whatever they have going for them.

“He’s real chill. And a good guy. So treat him like you’d treat me,” Paxton says, still locking his amber orbs with Ben’s blue.

“Like a friend.”

* * *

Eventually, March Break finally arrives, and Paxton is home for a week, so he invites Ben over to play video games with him and Rebecca. 

He lies on the couch in his garage with his legs splayed on top of Ben’s, both of them now comfortable enough to do so. Rebecca sits on the love seat beside the sofa, eyes glued to the TV screen. She’s kind of kicking both of their asses at COD, but it’s not unexpected- she is Rebecca, after all.

“Becca. Can you _please_ go easy on your brother for once?” Paxton begs, twisting and turning the joystick violently. Ben snorts, but his laugh gets caught in his throat when the older one glares at him.

"What, you're saying I should team up with you against Ben because you're my brother?" She scoffs.

"Hey, that's basically nepotism!" Ben argues, clenching his jaw. She snorts, rolling her eyes, while Paxton kicks him with his leg.

Ben is trying his best to stay alive, but eventually Rebecca snipes them both, and she yells in victory, pumping her fists in the air. “Rebecca wins yet again!” She exclaims, but she’s met with groans from the other two. “Wow, love the sportsmanship. Okay, I'm getting us some snacks. Doritos or Cheetos?”

“Doritos, no question.” The two boys answer at the same time, and Rebecca rolls her eyes before leaving the room.

The events of the frat party a week ago still replay in Ben's mind. It’s the last time they’d met before this, and he still has some questions unanswered in the back of his mind. The most prominent one being: are they friends?

Like, _officially?_

“Did you mean it?” Ben asks, and it strikes some similarity to the question Paxton had posed, the day they were walking to his dorm. 

“Mean what?” Paxton questions, laying his head against the armrest. 

“That night, when you said you thought I was a good guy,” He says, and Paxton’s face lights up in memory. “Did you mean it?”

The boy stares at him for a while, completely quiet, before nodding. “Yeah,” He replies. “I did.”

Ben smiles widely, and he knows it’s a little embarrassing, how happy he is. If only he could play things cool like Paxton.

Paxton isn’t perfect, and the confirmation was originally supposed to make him feel better about himself, but it doesn’t really do that. No, in fact, it rather makes Paxton seem _more_ human to him, more friendlier. 

He’s nice, family-oriented, funny, and overall a cool guy. Ben hasn’t asked about Devi once, or what Paxton’s short-lived relationship with her was like, but he doesn’t bother. Jealousy is thrown out the window- he doesn’t have the same grudge that he used to feel against him anymore. Because Dr. Ryan was right; Paxton has his own struggles, his own flaws, his own insecurities. He’s human just like him. What is the point of acting envious towards such a nice person?

“You’re a good friend.” Paxton affirms, and it’s those words that make Ben lose all composure. He lunges towards the jock, hugging him tightly.

“Uh... okay… can’t… speak...” Paxton mutters, patting Ben’s back, barely able to breathe inside the choke-hold the smaller one practically has him in. 

“Uh, did I miss something?” 

Ben pulls away quickly to see Rebecca, who stands with a bowl of Doritos in her hand, giggling. He looks down at Paxton, humiliated, but is pleasantly surprised to see that he’s laughing wholeheartedly. 

And so he joins in with the joyous laughter, dimples showing and everything. It’s really fun being Paxton’s friend, and the cool thing is that he gets a bonus friend; his awesome sister.

Ben knows he never imagined being friends with the most popular guy in the block- no, the _entirety_ of Sherman Oaks- but he doesn’t question it. 

He doesn’t regret putting Paxton as his number two, not at all.

In fact…

He’s glad.

_Operation ‘Befriend Paxton’: successful._

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ **

~~**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ ** ~~

~~**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ ** ~~

~~**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ ** ~~

~~**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ ** ~~

_Operation ‘Befriend Devi’: in action._


	6. keep your friends close and your enemies closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Suddenly, Devi kicks his back with her foot from behind, and he yelps, straightening up. “Ow, what the hell?” He groans, looking up at her._
> 
> _“Get up, loser. You look like you’re begging on your knees or something,” She quips, but there’s less venom in her voice now. She sounds more playful, more teasing, like old times._
> 
> _“And it was overdue,” She continues, while he pushes himself onto his feet. “But it’s still cool that you defended my friends.”_
> 
> _“They’re my friends too.” Ben says, glaring at her, but instead of receiving a jibe back, the corners of her mouth tug up into a soft smile._
> 
> _“They are.” She replies surely, all doubts erased, and he can’t help himself from grinning at her unexpected words._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey :D no chapter title pun but i tried to make it fit ben and devi's dynamic lol
> 
> so, this chapter is very long, because devi is not going to let ben off so easily. it's filled with heated banter, plentiful mentions of malibu, soft benvi bonding, ben's jealousy, and dense benvi learning to become friends again. 
> 
> the timeline of events are a little messed up (mohan's death day, ivy day is in april in my fic, model un conferences (that's in the next chapter), birthdays, etc) and inaccurate solely to fit the fic's events, but overall i've tried to make it as canon as possible! 
> 
> the next chapter is s t i l l being written (i honestly might end up splitting it into two after i finish, depending on the word count) and it's very, very long, filled with good ass benvi moments, ben and his friends vibing, ben being honest with his parents, conflicts, and him finding true happiness. but you'll have to wait for that one (im aiming to get it out five days minimum from now, but no promises cause it's really fucking long and i have to edit and all) ;D
> 
> anyways. enjoy <3 (thank u for ur comments and kudos btw they're the sweetest and i love reading them, it gives me so much motivation)
> 
> *i do not own brands or stores mentioned in this fic, please don't sue me hehe

The look on Devi’s face when she sees Ben sitting at their lunch table is somewhat gratifying.

She stomps her foot, pulling Eleanor aside. 

“Why the fuck is this _trogolydyte_ here?” She asks, not so secretly, because even Ben who is sitting far away can hear her words. Eleanor sighs before dragging Devi back to where everyone’s sitting, with much effort.

“Let’s welcome back Devi!” Eleanor exclaims, and Eve, Fabiola and Jonah hoot and clap, but Ben stays silent, smirking at Devi instead. She glares at him with the same amount of venom, yanking her arm out of Eleanor’s hold.

“You were basically gone from February until now. We’ve missed you so much, girl.” Jonah says, while poking the straw through his juice box. 

“It’s nice that you came back to witness the beginning of April. Spring breeze is unbeatable.” Eleanor says, sighing in content. Devi still looks unamused, but takes a seat next to the aspiring actress reluctantly, sitting diagonally from Ben.

He doesn’t consider himself to be a masochist, but _goddamn,_ he’s enjoying this way too much.

“Thanks, you guys,” Devi says, with a fake smile plastered on her face. Then, she drops it, gritting her teeth. “Except I didn’t know I'd come back to _Gross_ sitting here!”

“Devi,” Fabiola groans. “He’s our friend now.”

“Our _what?!_ ” Devi exclaims, widening her eyes.

“Friend? F-R-I-E-N-D.” Ben spells it out, wanting to piss her off even more. He knows he should be less annoying if he wants to befriend her, but he’s missed pulling her leg.

“I know how to spell _friend,_ Ben.” She spits out, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, good! So what don’t you understand? Do you want the dictionary definition?”

“Shut up!” Devi lashes out, slamming her hand on the table, and everyone else except Ben flinches. He's seen her smash far too many beakers to have a bigger reaction. 

Eve clears her throat. “Uh… so, why don’t you tell us about what you did in India?”

Devi tears her eyes away from Ben, softening her expression while looking at the blonde. “Nothing, I just stayed with some relatives, we did some rituals for my father’s death anniversary. We went to some pretty temples, we also stayed at a resort. It was super cool,” She then clicks her tongue, smirking at Ben. “I’m sure all my _friends_ saw my pictures on _Snapchat,_ because only my _friends_ deserve to have me on there.”

Ben rolls his eyes, scoffing. “You act as if you weren’t my friend during sophomore year.”

She freezes at the mention of tenth grade, crossing her arms. “We were not friends! Just acquaintances.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely what you said when you gave me a quote unquote, _‘friendship punch’_ for my birthday.”

“Okay, I was friends with you, for like, a month. Only a month. Until you ruined it!”

Ben clenches his jaw. Ruined it? What is she talking about?

“What do you mean by _‘I ruined it’_? What the hell did I do?”

“You stopped talking to me after Malibu!” Devi retorts, and Ben heats up at how false her accusation is.

“I stopped talking to you? From what I remember, you got a voicemail from a certain someone and ran away from _me!_ ”

Devi’s cheeks turn crimson, and she balls her hands into fists. The rest of their friends watch confusedly, not knowing what they’re talking about.

“I did _not_ run away from you. You and I both know that the _thing_ that happened in Malibu was a mistake. So, we went back to the normal fighting, because that’s what works for us. Rivalry. Not. Friendship. Because _friendship_ makes us do stupid things, like what we did in the car!”

Ben stiffens, a little hurt at her words. Is that all she thought of their kiss? As a stupid mistake? 

(He agrees with her, or at least that's what he tells himself, because deep down, there's some feeling of resentment, there's something that bothers him when she says their kiss was a mistake-)

“Friendship doesn’t always make you do those stupid things, it’s _other_ feelings that do!” He blurts out, and her cheeks go crimson. Their table goes silent, everyone else staring at the two with widened eyes. 

“What the hell are you two going on about?” Fabiola asks, squinting her eyes at them.

“Nothing!” They exclaim at the same time a little too defensively, whipping their heads around to face her. 

“What happened in Malibu? Are you talking about the day you drove Devi to scatter her dad’s ashes?” Eleanor probes, clearly curious. Ben starts to panic, and he tries to silently tell Devi to change the topic with just his eyes, so that they won’t have to risk revealing their secret. 

I mean, if their friends find out they kissed?

Utter chaos will ensue.

Devi understands (because when they're willing to, they can always read each other's minds), and she takes a deep breath before speaking more calmly. “Nothing. We just hugged it out like friends, but then things just went back to the normal rivalry between us. Because we’re nemeses. It just works better that way.”

Ben swallows dryly, while nodding. He knows that eventually he’ll have to befriend her (thanks to his stupid list), but he decides to take things slow, to let them happen naturally.

Because befriending Devi is treading onto some dangerous fucking territory.

* * *

“Look. I know you’re stressed about having to befriend Devi, now that she’s back and all-”

“Wait,” Ben interrupts, raising an eyebrow. “How do you know she’s back?”

“Are you forgetting she’s one of my patients too?” Dr. Ryan says, scoffing. 

Oh right… how had he forgotten something as big as that?

“Anyways... I don’t think we should talk about Devi and how you’re going to befriend her right now. You’ve worked fast with the other four, so now you have the rest of the school year to take your time with her.”

Ben shrugs. She _is_ right, like always.

“I want to talk about your family. Your parents.”

He groans, and an anxious feeling arises from his stomach, the same nervousness he feels whenever he has to talk about his parents. “I don’t want to. I don’t get it, I’ve told you a thousand times that I don't want to talk about them, yet every session you try to ask me about it.”

“Because I've been recruited to help you, Ben. Help you deal with your loneliness. And let’s be honest, more than your social anxiety, or your lack of friends, which we’ve practically already dealt with… the absence of your parents in your life affects you more than anything. And we need to deal with that.”

“We don’t need to _deal with that._ I can’t get my parents to quit their jobs.”

Dr. Ryan sighs, taking a sip from her thermos. “Listen. You need to talk to them about it _honestly._ The next time they tell you they’re leaving for some trip, ask them to stay. Tell them how it makes you feel. Tell them that it bothers you.”

Ben stares at his hands in his lap, silently pondering it. He can’t really talk to his parents about it honestly, because that would make him look selfish. Right? He’s a rich, privileged, white kid living in a mansion. He shouldn’t complain about it.

Dr. Ryan can tell he’s overthinking things, so she places a hand on his knee (like she always does when he goes quiet), and pats it comfortingly. 

“Listen. Just try once, and see what they say. I’m sure your parents love you, and want the best for you. I know they’ll try their best once they realize how their son has been feeling.”

“They…” Ben bites his bottom lip, trying to recollect himself. “They don’t even care that I’m going to therapy. Today morning, before my Mom left for Santa Barbara, she asked me whether I’m going to see Dr. Raymond. She doesn’t even know your name.”

She sighs, before clicking her tongue. “And your dad?”

“The last time I talked to my Dad in person was last week. He told me not to tell anyone about going to therapy.”

“Nothing else? Did either of your parents ask if you were okay? About why you’re going to therapy?”

Ben lifts his head up, trying not to cry. “No,” He admits, voice quivering. “They never did.”

Dr. Ryan gets up, and takes a seat next to Ben. She wraps her arm around his shoulders comfortingly, and pulls him in close. Ben can’t help but sob into her hold, letting out years of repressed emotions.

“I know it’s hard to talk to your parents, especially when it seems like they don’t care about you. But you need to try. You need to let them know what’s wrong. And let me tell you one thing,” She says, looking down at Ben.

“You are _not_ ungrateful for wanting more.”

Those words are all he needs to hear to feel less guilty. He’s never once lashed out at his parents, or told them the truth about his feelings, or loneliness, because he doesn’t want to seem ungrateful for all they’ve given him. 

But the truth is, he wants more from them.

Nothing superficial. 

Just their love.

* * *

Ben walks out of Dr. Ryan’s room with a slump, praying that two tissues were enough to wipe away the tear stains on his cheeks.

“Ben?” 

Oh no. His worst nightmare is coming true.

In front of him stands Devi, still dressed in whatever she was wearing at school. Her mouth is agape, in shock at seeing him here. 

“Devi…” He mutters quietly, avoiding eye contact. The rest of the people in the lobby peer at them curiously, not even trying to hide the fact that they’re eavesdropping on their conversation.

“What the hell are you doing here? And..." She weakly lifts a finger to point to the closed door he’s walked out from. “Why did you come out of Dr. Ryan’s office?”

Ben swallows nervously, his hands shaking. This was bound to happen eventually, right?

“She’s my...” He takes a deep breath, bracing himself. “She’s my therapist.”

Devi scoffs, shaking her head. “No. No way, this has got to be some sick joke. Not funny, Gross!” 

He awkwardly shrugs, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m not joking.”

Her eyes darken, and in a split-second she’s lunging towards him, but the receptionist grabs her before she can choke Ben to death. “Let. Me. Go!” She screams, trying to fight against the lady’s hold as she tries to keep her in place. 

Ben can feel his throat close up, all air escaping his lungs. He expected Devi to react like this- very abrasively, but he doesn't know why it’s that big of a deal. Yeah, they have the same therapist now. So what?

“First, you stole my friends!” She yells out, and Ben winces, a little hurt. He doesn’t think he’s stolen her friends… but he can see why she’d think of it that way.

“Now you’re stealing my therapist? Why can’t you let me have something to myself?!” She shrieks, and escapes the receptionist’s hold, but she surprisingly stands where she is, not stepping closer to him. 

“Devi, that was never my intention. I-”

“I don’t wanna hear it! I never want to see your face again. Not in class, not at my lunch table, and definitely not at _my_ therapist’s office!” She shouts, pointing a finger at him. 

Ben clenches his jaw. Okay, now she’s being super fucking unfair.

“Not everything is solely yours, Devi. I get it, you hate change, but get used to it! I go to therapy now. I have friends now. And both those things happen to be yours too! Learn to share!”

“I can share… but not with you, Ben Gross. Never.” She retorts, and with those final words, she pushes past him, and into Dr. Ryan’s office. 

Everyone in the lobby stares at him, some pitifully, some curiously, and some excitedly. He rolls his eyes, blinking hot tears away before pushing through the main entrance. As the cool air hits his red face like whiplash, everything starts to sink in.

Putting Devi as number one on his list was a crazy idea.

She’s definitely a challenge to befriend, but she’s also _impossible_ to befriend… and that’s a real problem.

* * *

Devi doesn’t show up to lunch the next day.

Ben isn’t surprised. She _is_ a hothead- her temper is incredibly short, and like a volcano, when she boils over, some of the damage is irreversible. She holds onto grudges like there’s no tomorrow, and it’s annoying.

Especially right now, when he’s trying to befriend her.

So, a week later, Ben decides to host a party at his house. She avoids him like the plague at school, and they have no classes together (except one, but she sits far away from him), so he sends her a direct message on Instagram (it’s surprising she hasn’t blocked him yet, although she has unfollowed), asking her to come.

He can’t lie, he feels his entire body relax when he sees her arrive with Eleanor and Fabiola, in a leather jacket and stylish leggings. 

_Cool, cool, cool._ She’s actually here. She actually decided to show up. Honestly, he wasn’t expecting this, but he tries to calm his nerves before approaching the trio with an empty red cup in his hand. 

Her smile drops in an instant when he comes into her view.

“Hey guys! You came…” Ben exclaims, and hugs Fabiola and Eleanor. He awkwardly stops at Devi, nodding at her, but her cold gaze doesn’t waiver. 

“Is your cup empty?” Fabiola asks, stifling a laugh. Ben smiles, trying to ignore Devi’s eyes practically burning into his skin. “Yeah. Actually, I was just gonna fill my cup with some punch at the pool. Wanna join?”

“No.” Devi deadpans, crossing her arms. Ben shrugs. If there’s anything that he’s learned from twelve years of being Devi’s enemy, it’s that there’s no point in arguing with her unless he’s up for ten minutes of nonsensical bickering (which he usually enjoys, but not tonight).

“Okay. Suit yourself. What about you two?”

Fabiola and Eleanor nod, and they follow Ben. From the corner of his eye, he can spot Devi reluctantly trudging along. The poor girl has no choice but to stick with them- they are her best friends after all. 

The four are greeted by the ungodly sight of shirtless guys near the pool, and one is barfing into the water, which Ben scrunches his nose up at. He mentally reminds himself to not touch the body of water, not even with a ten foot stick before getting it cleaned. 

Fabiola fills up all their cups with punch, handing them out one by one. Ben hesitantly takes a sip, still traumatized by Trent’s ball punch two years ago. Thankfully, the guy isn’t here this time (he was a lot of fun though).

Eleanor drags Fabiola off somewhere, ignoring Devi’s many complaints about leaving her alone with _‘this dipshit’_. Ben, the _dipshit_ she's referring to, stands awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

“Where’s the alcohol?” Devi asks curiously, after various beats of silence, but she’s not looking at him directly. Instead, she’s staring off into the pool, watching her two friends (well, now they were _both_ of their two friends) dip their feet into the water while giggling.

“David, I know you’re a drunkard, but not every party needs to have alcohol.”

She scoffs, taking a sip from her punch. Ben risks taking a glance at her, and he can’t help but think that she does look a _little_ pretty tonight- maybe the pool lights were helping her case, or something like that.

“Correction; every party with _you_ in attendance definitely needs alcohol. Your existence gives me a headache.”

“Hey, you knew what you were signing up for when you came to _my_ house for a party that _I’m_ hosting. What, you expect me not to be here?”

Devi turns her head, finally locking her eyes with his. “It would have been nice if you weren’t, yeah.”

Ben laughs dryly, shaking his head in bewilderment. “You haven’t changed a bit, huh?”

“Nope,” Devi says, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Still the same girl who fell into your pool two years ago.”

Ben winces at the memory. He remembers standing there dumbly, not knowing whether to run and help her. His girlfriend was leaning against him the entire time, and, _god,_ he felt so wrong. He’d broken up with Shira that night, because he couldn’t stop worrying about Devi. And he couldn’t help but feel guilty about the whole thing- he’d tried to kiss the girl two times yet he couldn’t lift her out of the pool? 

But of course, Paxton was there to save the day. Her knight in shining armor. 

Sometimes, Ben thinks back to a time in his life when he used to wish that _he_ was her knight in shining armor. 

Actually, he thought he was close to becoming that for her, when he’d driven her to Malibu. Except he had no intention of trying to win her over, no. He just wanted to help her, because she deserved to have someone knock some sense into her. She needed someone like that. She needed a grounding force.

Deep down, he knows they’re avoiding one conversation topic- Malibu. The closest they’ve gotten to talking about it was the day Devi came back from India, when her anger had bubbled over at seeing him with her friends. 

Ben is sure that he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore- he can’t afford to. They’re just not right for one another, and her outbursts are enough evidence of the fact that Devi doesn’t like him. She likes guys that are nearly perfect, that are godly looking, always nice to her- and Ben doesn’t think he’s any of that.

Paxton was that for her.

He bites his tongue, to prevent his mouth from blabbering. He’s curious about her relationship with him, about why things ended. Even though he’s friends with Paxton now, he hasn’t asked him a single question about Devi, because, well, isn’t that weird? Asking your friends about their exes?

“I think I overreacted last week, at Dr. Ryan’s office. It’s just, I’m not used to seeing you everywhere. And now that you’re friends with _my_ friends, I feel betrayed. Like, you’re my enemy, you know? You’re not supposed to get along with them. And no offense, you’re kind of a dick.” Devi speaks honestly, rubbing her arm. 

Ben downs his punch in one shot, trying to ignore the pounding of his head. Talking to Devi takes so much energy out of him, it’s like he's constantly walking around eggshells. One mess-up and she’s mad at you, yet again.

(It wasn’t always like that, and he misses the time when he could freely talk about anything with her-)

He kind of regrets not bringing alcohol out, like Devi suggested.

“You’re a dick to me too. This is mutual.” Ben retorts, and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, rolling her eyes. 

Two simultaneous shrieks startle the both of them, and they turn their heads in sync to where the sound came from. 

Fabiola and Eleanor hold onto the side of the pool, bobbing their heads out of the water. Ben squints his eyes, trying to make sure this isn’t some nightmare. How did they end up inside the pool?

“Two of the UN fell in the pool!” Someone yells, and everyone around them pulls out their phones, clicking pictures and taking videos with their flash on. Ben grits his teeth at the nickname- how could he possibly erase that _dumbass_ mistake of his?

“Didn’t this happen some other time Ben Gross threw a party?” Another person shouts out.

“Yeah! It was the Indian one who tripped.”

All eyes land on Devi, who’s frozen in shock, and red in humiliation. 

Ben sighs, walking up to the pool and offering his hands to the two in the water, pulling them up one by one. Devi helps him after she snaps out of her stupor, as they each grab one of their arms while helping them out of the water. 

“Who did this?” Ben questions loudly, scanning the area. 

“It was an accident, bro.” A person who he recognizes to be Raymond, a jock, shouts out, and he snickers after, his friends bending over with laughter as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Ben is not amused. 

“Did you push them into the water on purpose?” He asks, and he can feel Eleanor pulling on his sleeve, telling him to stop, but he shakes her hold off. At hearing no reply, he breathes in and out, before repeating himself louder, more aggressively.

“Did you, or did you not do this on purpose?” 

“I may have walked by them and _slightly_ nudged them… sue me for having a little fun, alright?” Raymond says, still chuckling, and it pisses Ben off even further. 

“Really, what's so funny? Can you tell me what you’re laughing at? I’d like to laugh too.” Ben says sarcastically, crossing his arms. 

“Ben,” Devi says, moving to stand beside him. “Let. It. Go.” She whisper-shouts, but he ignores her, shaking his head.

This is all his fault. It’s his fault the dumb UN nickname was created, it’s his fault he threw a party at his house, it’s his fault everyone’s picking on Fabiola and Eleanor... even Devi. It all tumbles down and crashes onto him- the guilt, the shame of his past actions, everything. 

He never wanted everyone to join him in making fun of them. Young Ben only wanted this rivalry to stay between him and them, specifically Devi. He didn’t want the _whole_ school targeting them.

“You think this is real funny, huh?” Ben asks with a clenched jaw, and Raymond immediately stops laughing. 

“Get the fuck out.” 

“What?” Raymond asks, with a disbelieving smile on his face. “Bro, you don’t even know me-”

“It’s my house. My rules. You thought this was funny, right? You can laugh on your way out.” 

The jock scoffs, and then spits on the floor before walking away. To Ben’s surprise, none of his friends follow. 

“Let’s call off the whole UN nickname. I made it, so I have full rights to revoke it. Let’s just pretend like it never existed. Okay?” He proclaims, turning to look at everyone around them. There are some groans in the crowd, and some people nod, but most just continue to point their phone at his face. 

He can see Devi stare at him like he has two heads, in his peripheral view. “What are you doing?” She asks, but he doesn’t reply.

“Whatever just happened now was not funny. It wasn't nice. And it’s not fair to them. Put yourselves in their position, and wonder whether it would be just as funny if something like that happened to you.” He takes a pause to calm himself down, letting his eyes flutter shut, and then open.

“I know most of you don’t even know who I am. You just know me as this rich kid that lives in this big ass mansion. And to be honest, I don’t know half of you either! I don’t even know how some of you got the memo that I’m throwing a party. Maybe the people who heard told their friends and those friends told their friends to come.”

He glances behind his shoulder, and realizes Fabiola and Elanor are shivering in their drenched attire. “Listen,” He says, turning back around. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a stranger to me, or if I’m a stranger to you. No one should treat _anyone_ like this. And I especially don’t want to see people treating my _friends_ like this.”

Devi’s eyes light up, and her frown disappears. Ignoring various whispers, Ben motions for the girls to follow him, as they push through the crowd and make their way inside his house. 

Once they reach the upper floor, Ben leaves them to go to his bedroom, and he rummages through his closet before pulling out two towels. He notices Devi’s standing near the doorway, so he throws them to her, and she barely catches them, taken aback. 

“They’re for Fab and El,” He mutters, while sliding his closet door. He turns around to see Devi still looking at him, blankly. “What?” He asks. 

She blinks, before shaking her head. “What… what?”

Ben cocks his head, wondering if she’s purposely trying to annoy him. “I said, give them to Fab and El.” He repeats himself, pointing to the garments in her hand. 

_Oh,_ she mouths, before walking away to the guest room, where the soaked girls are sitting on the bed. Ben doesn't bother questioning her weird behavior, following close behind. 

Fabiola and Eleanor sigh in relief at seeing the towels, and they take them from Devi’s hands eagerly, wrapping them around their bodies as quickly as they possibly can.

“Guys, I’m so sorry about what happened out there. Is the water out of your ear yet, El?” He asks, and Eleanor nods, tilting her head to the side and knocking it repeatedly. “Yeah.” She replies, smiling.

“And do you need a dryer for your hair, Fab?” 

Fabiola shakes her head, running a hand through her curly strands. “Nah, I’m good Ben.”

Ben kneels down in front of them, sitting on the floor with his legs folded underneath his bottom. “I’m starting to think I should close off the pool next time I throw a party,” He says, half-joking, half-serious. “This is the second time something this disastrous has happened.”

“As a past victim, I really think you should, man.” Devi finally speaks, closing the door behind her. 

Fabiola smiles warmly at him, pulling the towel tighter around her body. “Ben. What you did for us, and said out there… it was really nice. We’re grateful, okay?”

He looks up sadly, slowly nodding. “I didn’t do anything spectacular. If anything, it was overdue.”

Suddenly, Devi kicks his back with her foot from behind, and he yelps, straightening up. “Ow, what the hell?” He groans, looking up at her.

“Get up, loser. You look like you’re begging on your knees or something,” She quips, but there’s less venom in her voice now. She sounds more playful, more teasing, like old times.

“And it was overdue,” She continues, while he pushes himself onto his feet. “But it’s still cool that you defended my friends.”

“They’re _my_ friends too.” Ben says, glaring at her, but instead of receiving a jibe back, the corners of her mouth tug up into a soft smile. 

“They are.” She replies surely, all doubts erased, and he can’t help himself from grinning at her unexpected words. 

* * *

Ben waits at the entrance, opening the door for the elderly that have trouble with it. 

He glances at his phone, grumbling curse words under his breath. Fab, El and Eve had agreed to come to the cinema with him to watch _Parasite_ at 7 pm, but it’s nearing ten minutes till the movie starts and none of them are here yet.

Devi is also coming (after countless hours of convincing by the other two girls), and he doesn’t look forward to seeing her (although he kind of does… he misses criticizing movies with her because she’s the only one that tolerates his habit of talking during them, partly because she does it too).

Of course, he spots her a second after thinking about her, and he waves, to which she sticks her middle finger up at. 

“And if it isn’t the devil herself,” He retorts, holding the door open for her, and she walks right through with a frown on her face. “Where’s the rest of them?” She asks, peeking over Ben’s shoulder, trying to see if anyone’s behind him. 

“They’re not here yet.” Ben replies, sighing. “The movie starts in ten minutes. This is terrible.”

Just then, both of their phones buzz, and they exchange suspicious glances before pulling them out of their pockets. He swipes to see the same text message from Eve, El, and Fab, all sent at the same time.

_Sorry Ben, my parents made me mow the lawn and walk the dog, so, I can’t go tonight. You guys can watch the movie without me!_ It reads.

Devi furrows her eyebrows, clicking her tongue. “They all sent me the same message, co-”

“Copy and paste.” Ben finishes for her, and they widen their eyes in realization. She shoves her phone into his face, motioning for him to read the texts she got, and it isn’t any surprise when he realizes it's the same exact message he got, except his name is replaced with hers.

“They totally blew us off.” Ben breathes out, and he can’t help but let a laugh escape. He knows he’s supposed to be mad, but the situation they’re in right now is kind of hilarious.

“They didn’t even try! I mean, the same message from all of them, and for both of us. Half of them don’t even have dogs to walk!” Devi exclaims, snickering.

Ben laughs with her, and he figures this moment is nice, them chuckling with each other. It hasn't happened in a while, since sophomore year. "Do you think they ditched us on purpose, to force us to get along?" He asks, and she nods, tears in her eyes from rambunctious laughter. 

Once they calm down, they stare at each other awkwardly. “So. What do we do now?” He asks, secretly hoping she won’t storm off and leave.

“Watch the movie, I guess?” 

Ben smiles, before walking with her to Theater 6. 

The two find their seats pretty quickly, and they make use of the empty spots that were designated for their friends, sitting with their legs wide open. Once the movie starts, it's hard for them to stay silent, especially since _Parasite_ is such a well thought out movie, with various theories and symbols to chat about. 

They get multiple glares from people sitting around them, but they ignore it, because they aren’t even being that loud. Or at least they think they aren't, because halfway through the movie, they’re asked to leave by a big man wearing a uniform.

Once they’re pulled outside, Devi and Ben argue with the guy, trying to tag team him so that he’ll let them watch the movie (they’re always more effective at doing things together).

“Come on, man. That’s totally not fair.” Ben groans. 

“Yeah! I mean, you adults always condemn us teens for being brain dead, phone obsessed freaks, but the minute two of us talk about something like symbolism or metaphors in depth, _we’re_ the bad guys?” Devi argues, crossing her arms.

The security guard sighs, shaking his head. “Look, you dumb kids, I’m just doing my job. You two were being a distraction by talking constantly in a _cinema_. I got five families complaining to me about you guys in less than an hour.”

Devi scoffs, placing a hand on her chest. “Listen, we weren't even being that loud! Please let us back in. We didn't even get to analyze the penultimate shot yet!”

The guard blinks confusedly, running a hand through his hair. “Pen… pen what?”

Ben suppresses a laugh, looking over at Devi with a smirk. “Penultimate. Last but one in a series of things; second last.” 

The guard tilts his head, still not understanding.

“Second to last,” He simplifies, and the guard makes an _ah_ sound, nodding. Ben can’t help but snort. Who’s the ‘dumb kid’ now?

“Okay. You two are smarter than I thought, right? So I expect intelligent teens like you to understand and walk away. Next time you guys book tickets, maybe don’t chatter so much, alright? But I can’t let you in.”

Devi opens her mouth, as if she’s about to curse like a sailor, but Ben grabs her arm, signaling for her to stop. “Alright,” He says. “We’ll leave, although the reason why is still _indiscernible_ to me.” 

The guard furrows his eyebrows, clearing his throat. “Okay… wait, what does indis… indi-whatever… what does that mean?” 

Before the guard can get an answer, Ben turns around cheekily, dragging Devi with him, as he jogs to the exit. They run outside, the cool air blowing around them. Once they make it to the parking lot, they freeze, staring blankly at each other, before they both break into intense laughter.

“That… that was too good! You totally used that word on purpose, didn’t you?” She asks, tears in her eyes from giggling. Ben shrugs, holding in another snicker. “Yes! Yes, I did.”

“I guess we were being a little loud though…” Devi says. A breeze blows, and she shivers, shoving her hands down her jeans pockets. Without thinking, Ben takes off his jacket, and nears her, wrapping it around her body. 

For a second, their eyes meet, and it sends a surge of electricity down his spine, before he tears his gaze from her, keeping his distance once he lets go. 

“I think we were.” He says, rubbing his (now) bare arms with his hands, trying to create some warmth with the friction of his palms. "This habit of mine, talking while watching movies, is exactly why I have an at-home theater."

Devi checks the time on her phone, before looking back up at Ben. “Hey, it’s only 8 pm… we still have like, another hour before Kamala picks me up.” 

He shrugs, scanning the complex surrounding them. The cinema is in the middle of many other stores, like _Target_ , _Walmart_ , _Staples_ , and more. 

He tells himself that he should go home in his car, or maybe drop her off early. 

But for some reason, he can’t help but _want_ to spend more time with her, here in this complex, just walking around, passing time while talking with each other until the clock strikes nine. 

And so he gulps nervously, before clearing his throat. “Wanna walk around till then?” 

He braces himself for rejection, but Devi looks up at him with her eyes gleaming, and warmly smiles. “Sure.”

She stays right by his side as they tread along the pavement, passing by stores and critiquing their mannequins and posters from outside. He shivers, chilly wind blowing against his bare skin, but he doesn’t once complain about being cold. She’s entertaining enough to distract himself from minuscule annoyances like that.

Fifteen minutes after, once they reach Target, Ben laughs at the half-lit big letters on the front of the store.

“Look at the sign. Only the letters T, A, R, and T are lit up. Are we buying clothes from _Target_ or Tart?” Ben quips with his teeth chattering, but Devi doesn’t join him with some other joke. Instead, she nudges his shoulder with hers, and shrugs his jacket off her, motioning for him to grab the left sleeve.

He does as he’s told, and wraps the left half of the jacket around him, while she wraps the right side around her. They’re pulled closer together, as they huddle for warmth. Ben can feel blood rush up to his cheeks- he’s pretty sure that’s from the cold though, nothing else. 

“You’re not gonna thank me for sharing my jacket with you?” Devi teases, a cheeky grin on her face.

“I think you’re forgetting it’s _my_ jacket.”

“Nope. It's mine now.”

“David, come on. This jacket’s worth like, a _shit ton_ of money.”

“I can’t hear you!” She sing-songs, quickening her pace as they pass _Target_ , and Ben is forced to match her speed if he wants to stay under the jacket. “I can’t hear you because I only speak in the language of the _broke_.” She jokes. 

A strand of hair falls on her cheek, and she tries to blow it away with just her lips. 

(She looks a little cute doing that, and Ben imagines that it’s probably an even cuter view from the front rather than the side-)

The boy shakes his head, trying to push unwanted thoughts away. He remembers his list, and her name imprinted beside the number one. A few days ago, he thought it was impossible. But now, as he walks with her under the light of store lettering and the night sky… he rethinks it.

Maybe it is possible to become Devi’s friend again. It would be nice if he could.

Ben clears his throat, smiling at her.

“Fine, you brat, you can keep the jacket.”

* * *

It’s a Friday evening when Ben gets a message from Paxton, inviting him to his birthday party. It’s being held tomorrow, and so he immediately responds back with an _‘Expect me there’,_ because firstly, Paxton is his friend now, and secondly, he’d rather be anywhere than stuck at home all by himself.

He’s drooling on his math textbook when Devi calls, jolting him awake.

“Hello?” He croaks drowsily, rubbing his eyes.

_“Ben. Paxton invited me to his birthday party.”_

Ben stiffens, running a hand through his hair. “He invited me-”

_“No, let me finish. You know he’s my ex, right?”_

Of course he knows that. How wouldn’t he know that?

(She’d left him in his car for that guy, so how wouldn’t he know-)

“Yeah.” Ben answers curtly, leaning his head against his arm sleepily. 

_“Well, I don’t wanna show up alone, like a total loser. Because, well, Paxton probably has a bunch of friends from university now, that are way cooler than me. They’ll be at his birthday party. And before you say, ‘oh, you should take Fab or El instead of me’, they won’t come!”_

“Why not?” 

_“I don’t know. Ask them! They said something about not wanting to ‘deal with my shit’, because apparently I get super annoying whenever Paxton is nearby. I mean, he’s my ex. We ended things amicably, and I don’t like him like that anymore, but it’s just awkward. I’m friends with Rebecca, but she probably has her own friends too, I mean, she's so cool-”_

“Yeah, she is.” Ben interrupts, before widening his eyes. _Oh shit._

_“You know her? Rebecca? Paxton’s sister?”_

“Uh… I’ve seen her fashion posts before on Instagram.”

_“Ahh, I see. Anyways, yeah. I just need someone who’ll agree to staying beside me the entire night so I'm not alone. And yes, you know I can’t stand your existence, but don’t worry about me. I’m going to take an aspirin before arriving, so I can tolerate you.”_

Ben rolls his eyes at the insult, shaking his head disbelievingly. “You do realize you just insulted the _one_ person you desperately need a favor from?”

Devi scoffs over the line, and he can visualize her unamused expression. _“Please, Ben. Will you come with me? It’s tomorrow.”_

Ben ponders about telling her that he got an invite too, and that Paxton is expecting him there anyways, before deciding that it’s too much to explain over the phone. Paxton only ever invites friends to his parties, and he’s pretty picky, so having to explain how they became friends will take too much unnecessary time.

Plus, he doesn’t want her accusing him of trying to steal her ex too, as if stealing her friends and therapist wasn’t enough.

“Fine.” He groans, and Devi squeals. _“Yes! Thank you, Gross. Goodnight.”_

“Goodnight. Oh, and, listen up…” Ben says, and waits to hear her hum in accordance before continuing. 

“ _I’m_ the one that needs an aspirin whenever I’m near you. Not the other way around,” He says, before cutting the call in the middle of her whining.

Ben chuckles to himself, shaking his head. His eyes land on his friends list stuck to the bulletin board above him, Devi’s name standing out, in all of its uncrossed glory. 

This party, he hopes, will be the final bridge to official friendship.

* * *

He waits inside his car in front of Devi’s house, impatiently tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. She runs up to the car door, startling him, as she knocks on the window. Ben groans before unlocking the door, and she sits inside, shutting it quickly. 

He can hear Nalini yelling something about a curfew and avoiding drugs, before Devi urges him to slam the accelerator, and he drives off, enjoying the way she slumps down in the passenger seat, embarrassed and all.

Once they arrive at Paxton’s (the drive isn’t very long), he parks the car nearby, making sure he’s not in a spot where he’ll get fined. He is rich, yes, but careful. 

“Okay. Before we go in,” Devi speaks for the first time tonight. “Let’s make things clear.”

“One,” She says, sticking up her index finger. “We are _not_ gonna be fake dating. That’s not why I brought you here.”

Ben’s expression sours, and he rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t have agreed to that anyways.”

“Two,” She sticks out another finger. “I brought you here because _you_ begged to come with me. That’s the explanation we’re going for. We are not friends.”

“Weren’t you the one that begged me?” 

Devi sticks out her ring finger, ignoring his comment again. “Three,”

Ben fake snores, pretending to doze off, and Devi smacks his arm. “Not funny, Gross!”

“What? You’re boring me,” He whines, taking his seatbelt off. “You’re overthinking this. Once we meet Paxton, you won’t have to explain anything about why I’m here. Trust me.” 

Devi opens her mouth, about to ask him why, but he escapes from the car and runs towards the entrance of Paxton’s house before she can even get the words out. She follows close behind him, of course, even as they walk through a crowd of young adults that neither of them recognize. 

“Hey! You both made it!” Paxton exclaims once he sees them, holding up the birthday hat on his head while he jogs. “Did you guys come together?” 

Devi raises her eyebrows, a little confused. “Yeah, I brought him with-”

“Yep! I figured since we _both_ got an invite, we could just carpool. Reduce pollution, you know?” He says, interrupting her mid-way, and Paxton smirks before throwing an arm around Ben. “That’s my boy.” He says, ruffling his hair. 

Devi stares at both of them with widened eyes, probably trying to figure out why they seem so close, and why Ben got an invite. She blinks and shakes her head a few times repeatedly, at one point even pinching her arm to figure out whether this is a dream or reality. 

“And Devi, I'm glad you made it.” Paxton says, not even a bit awkward.

She smiles, shrugging. “Of course. We’re still friends.”

“You bet!” He exclaims, before letting go of Ben at the sound of someone calling him. “There’s beer in the kitchen, and people are playing games in the basement. I’m going down there right now. Join when you’re ready!” Paxton hastily explains, before running to where Ben assumes is the basement. 

Once Paxton’s out of their view, Devi jabs Ben’s chest with her fist once, and then once again, and again, and again, and again, until he starts to yelp.

“What the hell was that?!” She seethes, shooting daggers at him with just her stare.

“What the hell was _what_?” Ben asks, smugly. He’s enjoying this way too much.

“That! Whatever just happened between you and Paxton. You got an invite?”

He shrugs, nonchalantly waving his hand at her. “Yeah, I did. A lot of things happened when you were in India.”

“You guys are friends now?!”

Ben curls his hand into a fist and hits it against his chest, in _bro_ solidarity. “We’re solid, David.” He says, while grabbing an already filled cup of beer from the counter behind them. He can practically see smoke come out of Devi’s ears as she angrily heaves at him, struggling to come up with a reply.

So, she grabs a chip from the nearest bowl, and drops it into his beer, before storming off to the basement. Ben takes the chip out while groaning, before following Devi.

Downstairs, a group of people are huddled around a bottle, sitting on the floor in a circle. They whip their heads up at Devi and Ben, and some motion for them to come join. 

“What are you guys playing?” Devi asks, and her face lights up when she sees Rebecca in the circle. “Devi! Ben! You're both here!" Rebecca exclaims, with a wide smile on her face, but then it drops. "Seven minutes in heaven.” She answers, not looking very excited. 

“Someone spins the bottle, and the person it lands on has to go in that closet with them, for seven minutes straight.” A girl with a bob explains, pointing to the compact closet a few meters away. 

Ben crinkles his nose at the sound of this dumb game, but Devi takes a seat next to Rebecca, joining her. “I’m in.” She says, a sly smirk on her face as she looks up at Ben. He recognizes her expression immediately, for he’s seen it far too many times throughout his life. It’s when Devi is challenging him to something, trying to push his buttons. 

He clears his throat, sitting next to the girl with a bob. “Then I’m playing too.” He says, and feels victorious when the smirk on Devi’s face is wiped clean. 

“Okay. Devi, go ahead.” 

She leans forward, spinning the bottle a little too aggressively. It rotates, making awful screeching noises, before stopping right in front of…

Ben.

She immediately reaches her hand out, trying to give it a little push so it stops at the person to the left of him, but Rebecca catches it and stops her, clicking her tongue. “Nuh-uh, no cheating, Devi. Seven minutes in the closet with him, now.”

She groans, and Ben does the same, not very happy with this outcome. The universe is clearly not on his side. Why couldn't it have landed on some other random person? Why him?

In some way, this is probably a good opportunity to talk to her, about things they've been avoiding, to set things straight. 

(Maybe they could talk about Malibu-)

Ben stands up reluctantly, and Devi’s gaze arises with him. 

“Join me if you want,” He says, before walking over to the closet. He doesn’t expect her to follow, but he steps inside anyways, shutting the door behind him. He looks around, leaning against a stack of boxes carefully. 

To his surprise, the door opens a few seconds later, and Devi walks in with a frown on her face, before closing it. Ben smirks, in shock, and he opens his mouth to tease her, but she sticks her hand up, refusing to look at him.

“ _Don’t,_ ” She says through gritted teeth. “Don’t say anything.”

He does as he’s told, and they stare at the floor in silence for the first minute, but eventually the tension-filled quietness becomes unbearable for him.

“Are you mad?”

She finally looks at him, squinting her eyes. “Mad about what?”

“About me being friends with Paxton,” He answers. “Are you angry?”

She scoffs. “No.”

Ben eyeballs her, trying to make out her expression under the tiny flickering lightbulb above them. “Really?”

“Really,” Devi says, sighing. “Just surprised. I mean, now you’re close to everything that used to be mine.” She explains, while swinging her foot back and forth. 

“You know that was never my intention, right? I didn’t concoct some plan to take your spot while you were in India. I was just… lonely.” He confesses, and watches as she perks up, suddenly looking intrigued. 

“Lonely?”

He nods. “In junior year, and the first semester of senior year, I had no friends. None. And my parents, they were never home. I wasn’t dating Shira anymore. I _literally_ had no one, except Patty, but she had her own sons to go home to every night.”

“Is that why you’re going to therapy?” Devi pries bluntly.

“Yeah. I accidentally told the guidance counselor I wanted to, uh, kill myself. They took it seriously, and they set me up with Dr. Ryan, _yadda-yadda-yadda._ You get it.”

Her gaze softens as she looks at him, folding her hands together. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?” Ben asks. He remembers he still has a cup of beer in his hand, so he brings it up to his lips, downing half of the tangy liquid.

“Did you want to kill yourself?”

He stops to think over the question. Did he? Honestly, Ben doesn’t even know.

“No… but I felt hopeless at that moment. It wasn’t like I said it for jokes or anything, I genuinely did feel like killing myself, but I didn’t have the guts to _actually_ do it. You know what I mean?”

Devi smiles sadly, nodding. “I do. I felt the same way when my dad died,” She admits, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. She steals the cup from Ben’s hand, and drinks whatever’s left. “That’s why I tried to use sex to get over it… it clearly didn’t go well.” 

Ben laughs, shaking his head. “Poor Paxton.”

Devi chokes out a snort. “Sophomore year was a weird time, Gross.”

“A lot of weird things happened that year.” Ben says, and he’s referring to one thing in particular. He wants to open the Pandora box- he wants them to talk about it and then put it aside, so that he doesn’t have to wonder about it all the time. He wants to move on.

“You're talking about Malibu, aren't you?” She asks while sighing, and Ben thins his lips into a straight line, nodding. Devi reads his mind like an open book sometimes.

“That kiss… it was…” She looks up at him the same way she did in his car two years ago, before she had leaned in. Her gaze is full of love, and gratefulness.

But then it switches in an instant, and all that softness is gone.

“It was impulsive. And I think I was just so caught up in the moment, the adrenaline, everything. I was so thankful to you for helping me, because I genuinely felt like I had no one. But you were there for me. You gave me a house to live in, you brought my friends to convince me to not make a dumb decision I would regret for the rest of my life. You drove me there,” She takes a deep breath, setting the empty cup down on the floor.

“You did all these great things for me, and so I kissed you. But then when I got the voicemail from Paxton, I realized that I still had feelings for him, and not you. I was... brought back to my senses.”

Ben winces at the wording of her sentence, a little hurt. “So you’re saying that you’re crazy for kissing me?”

“I think we were both crazy for doing that.” She whispers, and her eyes flicker back down to her feet. 

“That’s fair. But why was the relationship with Paxton so short? You guys broke up before junior year.” Ben bravely questions, keeping his voice low so no one from outside will hear. 

“We were different from each other,” She fiddles with her fingers, still not making eye contact. “Too different. Just not right for each other. We’re better off as friends.”

He clears his throat, peering at her curiously. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

She pauses, before shaking her head. “No. I don’t.”

Ben sighs, resting his head against the tattered wall. “If I’m being honest… I kind of wish we kept up our friendship. Instead of just letting it all fizzle out, going back to how it used to be before.”

“I’m sorry,” Devi mutters, biting her bottom lip. “I mean, in my house that night, you told me about how you felt like your dad and Shira didn’t care about you. I knew you needed a friend yet I... I abandoned you. I’m really sorry. I just didn’t know how to act, and… the kiss made it all…” She trails off, unable to finish her sentence.

“Weird? Confusing?” Ben suggests, and Devi nods. 

“I agree.” He says, because she’s right. The kiss ruined whatever friendship they could have had in junior year. Maybe if they hadn't kissed, Ben wouldn’t be going to therapy, because he’d have a friend. Devi.

(The kiss wasn’t impulsive, though, and Ben knows that, he knows there was more underneath it, more feelings and emotions from the both of them, because you don’t kiss people that you don’t like-)

She stares at him silently, before standing up straight, directly facing him. “We can try again now. You know,” She sticks her open hand out, thumb pointing to the ceiling. “Being friends and all. So, what do you say? Friends?”

Ben smiles, his mood a little better now. “Really?”

Devi rolls her eyes, but her lips are tugged up into a dorky grin. “Don’t make me rethink this, Gross.”

Ben clicks his tongue before slipping his hand into hers, and shakes it firmly. 

“Friends.”

(Her hand is soft, warm and smooth, the same way it felt when it rested on his cheek and dropped to his chest, inside his car two years ago-)

“Guys,” Rebecca’s voice booms from the other side, as she knocks on the door. “Seven minutes are over.”

_Operation ‘Befriend Devi’: successful._

**Ben’s Future Friends**

**(goes from most challenging to least)**

~~**_1\. Devi Vishwakumar_ ** ~~

~~**_2\. Paxton Hall-Yoshida_ ** ~~

~~**_3\. Eleanor Wong_ ** ~~

~~**_4\. Fabiola Torres_ ** ~~

~~**_5\. Eve Sitzman_ ** ~~

He’s happy that he's finally succeeded at completing his list. Actually, he’s ecstatic.

(Somewhere in the burrows of his mind, he worries about being friends with Devi, and Devi specifically, because he knows there’s something more there, a whole bunch of messed up feelings hidden between the lines, but he lets himself have this victory for once, because overthinking always messes things up-)

_Good job,_ he tells himself. He should be completely happy now, right? Fulfilled?

So then why does some part of him still feel incomplete?


	7. you keep on running but i don't let it define you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Okay, I guess I’ll get going-”_
> 
> _“Wait!” Devi exclaims, and he freezes yet again._
> 
> _He stares at her expectantly, waiting for her to say something. When she continues to look at him blankly, he crosses his arms, tapping his foot rhythmically on her porch. “Hello? Earth to Devi?”_
> 
> _She still doesn’t say anything._
> 
> _“Devi? What were you going to say?” He asks, and now he’s a little concerned._
> 
> _“I…” She gulps nervously. “I don’t know.”_
> 
> _“You don’t know?” He questions, puzzled._
> 
> _Her expression morphs into confusion, and she furrows her eyebrows. “I guess I just…” She speaks quietly, and finally meets his eyes with hers. “I guess I just didn’t want you to leave.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> hey hi hello :D no pun in the chapter title :( but this chap is rly long hehe :)
> 
> so, i know the seventh chapter was supposed to be the finale, but here's the thing. the last chapter ended up being the TOTAL word count of the FIRST SIX CHAPTERS (approx 26k words)... so i thought it would only be logical if i divided it into two. i promise i wasn't trying to be like those movie companies that separate the third movie in a trilogy into two parts to pump out more money lol.
> 
> like i said before, a lot of the events aren't really accurately dated- like, ivy day for regular admissions is actually in march, but in my fic, it's in april AND preponed- and although i like to make things accurate as much as possible, i honestly couldn't this time because i needed it to fit the fic's events (like, i needed ivy day to be preponed to the second day of the model un conference for the sake of the story) so yeah, just take stuff like that with a grain of salt skjksjk. it is a fanfic at the end of the day.
> 
> this chapter mainly focuses on ben realizing his ~feelings~ for devi, but other than benvi, it features el and fab catching on, a coffee date with paxton, one more party, a therapy session, and a conversation with his parents that foreshadows one he'll have with them in the ACTUAL finale.
> 
> i added shira into the mix because i wanted to write jealous devi lol. i actually rly like when fics give her more of a personality and make her a secret genius, but i needed to write her personality as bland as it is in the show for the sake of the story. sorry shira :(
> 
> i might post the last chapter day after tomorrow, since i already have it written, just need to edit it. the finale features conflict- tons of it- but it's a REALLY wholesome ending i promise. it focuses on the friendships he's made and his parents, more than this chapter.
> 
> it's very possible that you may stumble across some grammatical mistakes- especially since it's so long- so apologies for that in advance.
> 
> anyways, can't remember anything else i had to say, so go ahead <3
> 
> (and thank you for the sweet comments and kudos, im not kidding when i say they make my DAYYYYY :D)

“As we near the end of the year-”

“Sir, it’s only April...” Eric corrects, in his usual whiny tone, and Mr. Young glares at the boy, silencing him effectively.

“Anyways, before I was so _rudely_ interrupted… I’m going to assign one of your summative projects early. For this project, I want you guys to get into groups of,” He pauses, pushing his glasses further up his nose as he scans the room, counting the number of students in his head.

“Groups of three.”

Various groans come from all over, mainly from people in friend groups of four. 

Ben hears Devi laugh behind him, as she pokes him in the shoulder with her pencil. He leans backwards, to hear her better.

“I bet it’s some dumbass project that won’t even help us with the final exam.” She whispers, and he turns around to see her smirking. Ben stifles a laugh, while making sure Dr. Young isn’t looking at them conversing. He’s aiming for good comments on his report card, and nothing else. 

“For real, though. I bet he’s gonna make us model a function that will help us determine when the Leaning Tower of Pisa will fall.” He jokes, trying to limit the movement of his mouth to make their conversation less obvious.

“Or he’ll pull a Mr. Shapiro and make us design an app that mathematicians from the nineteenth century could have used.”

Ben scoffs. “Oh god... Mr. Shapiro always made us do the most useless stuff. And he’d always go; _a_ _w, come on! I worked so hard to make this project lit for you guys..._ ” He mocks his old teacher’s tone, and Devi smacks his back, trying to not giggle.

“Ah, Mr. Shapiro and his teen slang. _Deborah and I just became exclusive..._ ” 

“No, you have to emphasize the _exclusive_ part like he would.”

“Are you trying to teach me how to mock Mr. Shapiro better?”

“I’m an expert at impressions, David-”

“Mr. Gross?”

Ben whips his head around, wincing at Mr. Young’s dagger stare.

“Since you love talking so much, and… hey! Girl over there? What’s your name?”

For a second, Ben worries that he’s talking about Devi, but he turns to look at where he’s pointing, and realizes that he’s talking to…

Shira? 

It comes as a shock to Ben, because he's never known she was in his Math class. And ~~how~~ why is she taking an AP course?

“Uh, Shira.” She replies, clearly disinterested. 

“Do you think I can’t see you talking to your friend over there? Well, since you two love chattering your mouths so much…”

Devi has a shit eating grin on her face, and he knows she wants to tease him for getting caught, and flaunt the fact that she didn’t.

“You two can work together.”

_Oh shit._

Every part of Ben’s mind goes in panic mode, as he struggles to even form words that will be convincing enough so that Mr. Young doesn't put him through this torture. But before he can open his mouth, the man walks away with a satisfied grin on his face. 

He sighs, purposely trying to avoid looking at the back of the classroom, so that he doesn’t make eye contact with Shira. He tells himself that it’s not the end of the world, that a lot of terrible things have happened in his life that’s far worse than having to work on a summative project with his ex.

He tilts his head just a little to look at Devi, and he’s sure she’s probably holding back a laugh, but what he sees throws him off guard.

She isn’t smiling- no, not even close. Instead, she’s resting her head on her hand, with a clenched jaw and a serious expression. It kind of makes everything worse, since he'd appreciate her making fun of him right now. At least that would make everything seem less horrible than it is.

Shira saunters up to Ben and takes a seat in the empty desk beside him, with a blank expression on her face. “Hey,” She says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Ben gulps, using all his strength to make eye contact with her. 

“Hey.” He chokes out.

“Hey!” Devi suddenly exclaims, pushing her desk closer to them. 

Shira glares at her, turning around in her chair. “What are you doing here?”

Devi pauses, before plastering a smile on her face that appears to be scarily fake. “I’m in your group! Figured I’d say hey too.”

Ben twists in his chair to face Devi, quirking his eyebrow at her. “Since when?”

Devi shrugs, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. “Since now.” She replies, and Ben tries to search for any hint of sarcasm in her voice, but he struggles to find any. Since when did Devi want to willingly work with him? Has their friendship changed things?

She notices him eyeing her suspiciously, so she clears her throat, leaning forward. “Everyone already made their groups. I had no choice but to join your group. Don’t let it get to your head.”

Shira shakes her head, pointing to someone behind her. “Actually, no. Eric still doesn’t have a group. Maybe you two could, like, be partners.”

Devi looks over her shoulder, and then turns her gaze to Ben, who’s still occupied with trying to process everything. “Ah, that’s too bad. Wish I knew sooner, before I told Mr. Young that I would work with you guys.” She says, with a sullen look on her face, but Ben can sense that it’s not genuine.

“I didn’t see you get up… when did you tell Mr. Young-”

Devi stands up in the middle of Ben’s sentence, marching up to Mr. Young and telling him something at his desk, and he nods before she returns back to her seat. “He knows now,” She answers, through gritted teeth.

Ben wants to ask her if something’s wrong, but he bites it back down, deciding to deal with it later. There’s no point to it anyways, now that their group is locked in and official. And with the added load of having to work with his ex, he doesn’t want to piss Devi off and have a rift with her while working on their goddamn _summative._

“So, uh… where should we meet up tomorrow evening to work on this?” Ben questions. Shira’s eyes are still glued on her phone, so he assumes that her house is not an option. He turns to Devi, offering a half-genuine smile. 

“We can’t meet up at my house, cause some of my Dad’s clients are gonna be there. So, is your house good?”

Devi’s expression sours, and she groans. “My house? Don't you remember how embarrassing my relatives are? And,” She then lowers her volume, bringing it to a quiet whisper. “I don’t want Shira meeting them.”

Ben sighs empathically, resting his arm on Devi’s desk. “Don’t worry. Nothing like that will happen. Shira may be kinda slow, but she’s not even nearly as rude as Zoe.”

Devi rolls her eyes, before nodding. “Fine. But don’t complain when my Mom shoves a spicy samosa down her throat and she starts to cry from the spice.” She mutters, and Ben laughs, but more in relief at her usual sarcastic tone.

She’s finally acting like herself again.

* * *

Or not.

When Ben arrives at Devi’s house with Shira beside him, she doesn’t look too pleased.

He wonders whether it’s because she doesn’t like having guests over that she’s acting unbearably weird, but he keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to stir any unnecessary drama. What if he’s just overthinking like always?

(Overthinking was what led to Malibu, and he doesn’t want that disaster happening again-)

Nalini meets them at the kitchen counter, a wide smile on her face. “Benjamin,” She acknowledges kindly, and then her eyes flit to Shira standing behind him. “Uh… what’s your name, dear?”

“Shira.” She deadpans, chewing on her gum obnoxiously, and Nalini nods slowly, shifting her attention back to Ben. 

“Devi,” She says, and the girl in question straightens up. “Since Kamala’s out, I want you to help me with the dishes while they go up to your room.”

Devi pauses, and she peers at Shira and Ben, switching between the two. “Uh… no. I don’t want to leave them alone... together. Not in that way, but like, you know, they're guests, and I can't leave our guests alone. ” She says while tripping over her words, but her overall tone is a little too nonchalant. Ben, on the other hand, is dying a little on the inside. 

“Devi,” Nalini narrows her eyes at her daughter, plastering a fake smile on her face. “If you don’t do what I tell you, I won’t pay for your cell service next month. And the month after that. And the month after that-”

“Mom!” Devi whines, and from behind, Ben can hear Shira groan. 

“I’ll do it.” He offers, deciding that he’d rather spend time with Nalini than _either_ Devi or Shira right now.

“No, that’s not necessary dear.” Nalini says, but Ben shakes his head, eagerly making his way to the sink. 

“Okay, fine. You could learn a little something from him,” She tuts, looking at Devi disapprovingly, and the girl rolls her eyes in return. “Anyways, you two can go upstairs and work on your project. You're wasting time.”

Suddenly, Devi widens her eyes, stepping a foot forward. “You know what? I feel bad for not being a good daughter,” She says, placing a hand on her chest and furrowing her eyebrows together. “So, I’ll help you two do the dishes, and Shira can go upstairs by herself. You know, get a headstart on the project.”

Ben stares at Devi incredulously, utterly confused as to what’s going on. Her mother also isn’t convinced, but she sighs, and places her hands on Ben’s shoulders, gently pushing him to the side. “You know what? I’ll just do these dishes by myself. Devi, take them to your room. Can you at least do that?”

Devi perks up a little, and nods. “Yes, Mom.” She affirms, before leading them upstairs and to her room.

When they arrive, Ben shamelessly lets his eyes wander her walls, amazed by how colorful everything is. He’s always liked hanging up posters, flags and artifacts on his walls, but he also likes to keep the overall color scheme partly monotonous. It is comfortingly bland, in a sense. But Devi’s walls have color and patterns all over them, and it's very different from his bedroom, even if she has posters hanging up like him.

He finds himself drawn to a corner of her room, where she's glued various photos of her and her loved ones in the shape of a heart. He spots her mother, her father, Fabiola, Eleanor… and himself.

He’s on her wall. A picture of him and El she took during lunch with her pink Polaroid camera... is on her wall.

His heart skips a beat.

“Ben,” Devi calls out, and he turns his head, wincing at how annoyed she looks. “What are you staring at?”

“Nothing,” He replies with a nervous gulp, before joining the two girls on her bed.

“So,” Ben starts, trying to focus on the paper in his hand and not how awkward the tension is around them. “We have to teach the class about Exponentials and Logarithms. How do we do that?”

“I don’t know,” Shira speaks at last, finally looking up from her phone. “How _do_ we do that?”

Ben blinks tiredly, resisting the urge to yank the device away from her and throw it into the nearest trash can. “That’s- that’s what I’m asking you guys.” He explains, sighing.

“Let’s look through our study notes, and then we’ll go from there.” Devi says, and pulls out her binder from underneath her bed (he wonders how it ended up there in the first place), placing it open in the middle of them.

“Ben,” Shira drawls, and he clenches his jaw at her familiar tone. It’s the same way she’d call his name when she needed him to take a selfie with her, or buy something for her. “I don’t understand any of this. Can you explain it to me?”

“I... uh… Explain what? Like, the assignment?”

“No,” Shira shakes her head. “This whole thing.”

Devi snorts, but he glares at her, and her grin falls right off her face.

“You don’t understand Exponentials and Logarithms?” He asks, kindly, because he doesn’t want to make her feel bad for not comprehending it. 

“No.” She says, pouting, and inches closer to Ben, _alarmingly_ close, as she shoves his shoulder with hers playfully. “Can you teach me?”

Before Ben can answer, Devi laughs dryly. “Shira, why did you even take an AP Math Course?” She asks bluntly, and he bites his tongue, afraid about what’s about to come next.

“Well, people said it would look good on my report card, or something.” She answers, unbothered.

“That’s not how it works. You have to get _good_ grades in the course, otherwise it’s meaningless.” Devi explains, obvious frustration laced in her voice. 

“Okay, whatever you say, nerd.” Shira retorts, and Devi’s face heats up, the tip of her ears aflame. Ben silently watches, with a weird feeling at the pit of his stomach. Devi and Shira fighting is something he never imagined he'd ever witness, and frankly, it's something he still doesn't want to be witnessing.

“At least I know what two plus two is.” She mutters, between her teeth, but the other hears it, and she gasps.

“It’s four! I’m not the dumb bimbo you think I am! It’s 2020. Girls should be supporting girls.”

“It didn’t sound very _supportive_ on your part when you called me a nerd, though.”

“Devi,” Ben grits out, narrowing his eyes at her. “Let’s focus on the project.”

She rolls her eyes in response, before flipping through her notes.

“So, Ben,” Shira says, tilting her head while inching even closer. “What have you been up to lately?”

He doesn't know if he’s imagining it, but the speed at which Devi’s turning her papers seems to increase.

“Uh… not much.”

“Mh, okay. Are you still single?”

Okay, now he’s sure he’s not imagining it. He can hear Devi aggressively turning the pages of her binder, even when he's not looking at her. 

“Uh…”

_Krrr!_

Ben whips around, and sees Devi heaving, with some torn notes in her hand. “Oops.” She mumbles, laughing manically.

He sighs, bewildered. She hasn't been acting like herself since this disaster of a group project had been set up. And now that he's her friend, he's legally obliged to confront her about it.

“Can I talk to you?”

“No.” Devi answers, but he gets off from the bed and drags her by the arm outside her room anyways, shutting the door behind him.

“Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Ben asks, deciding to get straight to the point.

“What are you going on about?” Devi questions, glaring at him, but his tone doesn’t waiver.

“You think I don’t have your deflecting tactics down by now? You can’t fool me. Something’s wrong. What’s up?”

She groans, looking at her feet. “Nothing is wrong, Ben.”

He grabs her arm, and shakes it a little. “Something is wrong. I know that for sure. I’m asking you about _what’s_ wrong, not _if_ something’s wrong.”

“It’s just,” She lifts her head, and opens her mouth, ready to rant, but then she deflates, and her expression goes sullen. “It’s awkward having Shira in my house. And you two are lowkey killing me. She’s clearly flirting with you.”

Ben cocks an eyebrow curiously. “Why does that bother you so much?”

She freezes, before laughing awkwardly. “It doesn’t! It’s just painful. You should ask her out already!” 

The taste in his mouth sours, and his tongue feels thick. She wants him… to ask Shira out? Again?

(He remembers the night of his birthday, when he'd broken up with her, and how unaffected she was. The only thing she'd asked him for was a selfie with her while frowning, so she could upload their official break-up post, whatever that meant. But he was more busy reeling over the two times he tried to kiss Devi, and he knows he wasn't drunk, he wasn't drunk at all-)

“Why… why would I do that?” He sputters, rubbing the back of his neck. Devi shrugs, and pats his shoulders. “If you like someone, you ask them out.”

Ben doesn’t know what to make of that statement. He doesn't like Shira, definitely doesn’t. He doesn’t like anyone at the moment for that matter.

Devi stares at him, and then she smiles, dorky and a bit lopsided, and Ben feels his heart fly. Does he really not like _anyone?_ There is _one_ person, but she’s confusing. His feelings for her are confusing too, and he’s sure he doesn’t mean anything like that to her.

She’s just his friend. Right?

“Well, according to that logic of yours, I’m not going to ask her out. Because I _don't_ like her.” He answers, and then turns around, before twisting the doorknob, swinging the entrance open. Shira lies on the bed, swiping her phone screen, and she’s so preoccupied that she doesn't even notice the two's return.

“Shira? I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for acting so unfairly to you. Uh... have you read through the notes? Gotten a better gist of everything?” Devi asks, clearly trying to be nicer this time around, and the girl on the bed looks up, a little dazed. 

“Uh, it's cool. You know what? I’m so sorry. I think my grandma is dying, so I totally have to go home right now.” She says hurriedly, and pushes herself off the mattress, smoothing out her outfit.

Ben crosses his arms, leaning against the door frame. He’s heard excuses like this from her before, and if he’s learned anything from dating Shira, it’s that she’s a terrible liar. 

“Oh, really?” He asks disbelievingly, but Devi jabs her elbow into his stomach, faking a smile. 

“I’m so sorry for that,” Devi says, and he can tell she’s being sarcastic. “Just make sure you do your part of the project.”

“Actually, can you guys do the rest of the project by yourselves? I’ll just read whatever you guys give me on the script when we have to present. It’s just, you know, my dying grandfather needs me, so…”

Ben stifles a laugh at her mess-up, and catches Devi smirk at him. “Your grandfather is dying too? Oh, you poor thing…” She pouts, clicking her tongue, and Shira giggles nervously, nodding as she makes her way out.

“Goodnight!” Shira exclaims as she disappears down the stairs, and the two watch in slight bewilderment.

“It’s the tenth time her grandma has died.” Ben speaks. 

Devi turns around, facing Ben while folding her lips together, and he shrugs while grinning. She finally erupts into laughter, her teeth shining. It’s the happiest she’s looked ever since they started the cursed assignment.

“So, should we get started?” She asks, and Ben groans. 

“Yes, please.”

They spend the next two hours _actually_ working on the project (it’s filled with bickering and some spontaneous quiz challenges), and they get impressively far before they hear Devi’s mom call them down.

As they make their way downstairs, Nalini immediately grips Devi's arm, pulling her closer. “I’m sorry, Ben. I just need five minutes with her.”

He nods (he can’t really object), and goes to sit in the living room, leaving them in the kitchen.

"Kanna, what is going on?"

"Huh?"

"Is it to do with Ben?"

He can't help but shuffle his feet a little closer to the nearest wall, curious about what they're talking about. It's morally wrong to eavesdrop, yes, but not when his own name is brought into the conversation.

"What are you going on about?" Devi groans. He hears someone drop a spoon into the sink. 

"You were acting so weird around that girl who left early… his girlfriend, right?"

" _Ex_ girlfriend," Devi corrects, at the same time Ben mouths it.

"You didn't want to leave them alone together. But you were alright with letting Shira go upstairs by herself? Were you trying to stay with Ben?"

"No! I wasn't."

"Are you jealous?"

Silence.

"Jealous?" Devi scoffs. "Me? Jealous over Ben Gross? Have you lost your mind?"

"Devi," Nalini sighs, and the sound of the sink water running halts. "You're my daughter. A little me. You _cannot_ fool me. Something was terribly wrong with you, and you were acting very different, up until that girl left."

A few more beats of silence follows, before he hears someone slam a metal cup onto the kitchen counter. The only logical assumption is that it's Devi.

"No way. I do _not_ like Ben Gross that way!" 

Nalini sighs, taking deep breaths before responding. "Okay. I won't argue with you further."

At this, Devi chuckles softly, and it throws Ben off guard. "That's new. When did you start cutting off arguments like that?"

Nalini laughs tiredly. "Taking these counselling sessions is teaching me a lot about how to deal with fussy, stubborn kids the _white_ way. Apparently, it works!"

"Hey, I'm stubborn but not fussy."

"Devi! I told you, I'm not about to argue. But you are stubborn and fussy, and much more too."

Ben feels his lips tug up into a smile at the surprisingly pleasant turn their conversation takes. It makes him a little relieved to know that her relationship with her mother has become less tumultuous than it was in sophomore year.

Suddenly, he hears footsteps near him, and takes that as his signal to move back to where he was before.

“Gross,” Devi calls, peeking her head out from behind the wall. “Come.”

He smiles awkwardly before following Devi out into the corridor. He grabs his jacket from the banisters, and puts it on in one motion. He’s about to pull out his phone and check the time when Nalini clears her throat.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” She asks, and Ben pauses, pondering it.

It’s an easy answer- _yes,_ of course he’d rather have a pleasant conversation and eat delicious Indian food, than sit at his house alone and munch on some microwavable, soggy pizza. 

But he takes one look at a fidgety Devi, and decides not to stay and make things more awkward for her, even if it’s at the expense of his own happiness.

“No, it’s fine. My... my Mom prepared dinner already, so…” He lies, mustering a fake smile, and Devi tilts her head at him in suspicion, but Nalini doesn’t push him any further. 

“Okay, Benjamin. Have a good night.” She says, with a soft, knowing smile, and Ben has a feeling she’s well aware that he’s lying. Alas, he turns around, before waving goodbye, and walks over to the door, turning the knob open and stepping outside. The air is chilly, yet nice.

He’s about to leave until someone grabs his arm from behind.

“Ben, wait,” Devi says, and so he stops to face her. She leans against the door frame, and waits for her mother to go back into the kitchen before continuing. “Are you going to Oliver’s party this weekend?”

Ben sighs, shrugging. “I honestly don’t know. I’m kind of sick of parties…” He mutters honestly, and Devi laughs, shaking her head. “Same.”

He scoffs disbelievingly. “You’re sick of parties? Really? Aren’t you the same girl that goes to every party in existence only so that she can drink alcohol without her mother looming around?” 

She rolls her eyes before smacking him on the arm lightly. “Haha, so funny,” She deadpans, but there’s a hint of a smile on her lips. “I’m only going if you’re going, so…”

Ben smiles, ignoring the fluttering in his belly. “Well, then. I guess I’ll have to go,” He says, and she sighs in relief, throwing her head backwards. 

“Thank _god,_ ” She exasperates. “Thank god you’re going. I’ll take any chance to get out of this jail cell.” She whispers, half-jokingly, half-serious, widening her eyes. Ben can’t help but snicker at her ridiculous antics.

“Okay, I guess I’ll get going-”

“Wait!” Devi exclaims, and he freezes yet again.

He stares at her expectantly, waiting for her to say something. When she continues to look at him blankly, he crosses his arms, tapping his foot rhythmically on her porch. “Hello? Earth to Devi?”

She still doesn’t say anything.

“Devi? What were you going to say?” He asks, and now he’s a little concerned.

“I…” She gulps nervously. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” He questions, puzzled.

Her expression morphs into confusion, and she furrows her eyebrows. “I guess I just…” She speaks quietly, and finally meets his eyes with hers. “I guess I just didn’t want you to leave.”

_Oh. Okay. Wow._

He doesn’t know if he’s imagining it, but he feels some sort of _spark_ between them. There’s something there, something burrowed underneath that they’re too scared to dig up. 

Suddenly, he grows aware of his increasing heart rate, and it’s... frightening.

Absolutely _terrifying._

“Missing me that much, David?” He attempts to joke, and it’s successful, because whatever serious tension that was looming around seconds ago turns into a more playful, friendly atmosphere.

“You wish,” Devi scoffs, but then she bites her bottom lip awkwardly. 

“Do you want me to stay for dinner?” He asks, because there are times when it’s ridiculously easy to read her mind, and one of those times is now. The only reason he had refused the offer was because he was afraid of pissing Devi off, but now, he’s sure that she wants him to stay.

“Yeah.” She admits sheepishly, rubbing her arm. 

Ben takes off his jacket, and brushes past Devi as he walks into her house for the second time tonight. 

“Benjamin?” Nalini chirps, peering from the kitchen.

He smiles happily, and he can hear Devi shut the door behind him. She runs to where her mother is, and suppresses a grin. 

“Change of plans, Mrs. Vishwakumar. What’s for dinner?”

* * *

Ben shows up to the party an hour late, after finishing his calculus revision. He’s not very excited or upbeat- he’s very tired of parties, and after going to Paxton’s frat party and witnessing a boy get so high on crystal meth that he shit his pants, he, quite frankly, is put off from attending one of these for the next decade or so.

“Gross!” 

He turns around, and Devi runs towards him with a bottle of beer in her hand. “David,” He acknowledges, pointing to the drink in her hand. “You’re not gonna drink all of that, are you?”

She slyly smiles at him, shrugging. “No promises.”

“Devi,” Eric slides between them with no warning, irking Ben. “You’re looking hot tonight. Wanna bang?”

Ben widens his eyes, stifling a gag. Is this how guys were hitting on girls these days? Just upfront, like that?

“You’re drunk, Eric. No.”

“Alright, that’s cool, totally respect that.” He mutters, before stumbling away. 

Ben smirks while looking down at Devi, whose face is washed out. “David,” He whispers, bending down to talk in her ear. _“You’re hot, let’s have sex even though I don’t know anything about you._ ” He teases, lowering his voice on purpose, and Devi jabs him in the chest, effectively shutting him up.

But then, she grabs his collar, and starts to drag him somewhere unknown. For a second, Ben’s worried that she’s taken his joke too literally, until they pass the bedrooms on the upper floor, and she pulls him up another set of stairs. 

Once they make it to the hidden third floor, she opens the door, unveiling an inhabited terrace, and a beautiful night sky. 

“Where are we?” Ben asks, but the words get caught up in his throat as he bends his neck backwards, in awe of how well the stars are visible tonight. 

Devi closes the terrace door behind her, and places the beer bottle on the floor. “Whenever Eleanor and Oliver would invite me to their movie nights, they’d always go missing halfway through. I followed them once, and found out that his house has a damn terrace.”

“I mean, the roof is flat, so, it should have been obvious,” Ben points out, and she shrugs. 

“Why are we here?” He questions, looking back down at Devi. She slips her hand into his, and presses her warm palm against his as their fingers intertwine. She leads him to the edge of the terrace, where the barriers are. 

“I just wanted to get away from all the commotion.” She admits, her gaze seeming a little lost. He can notice something amiss, so he tries to search the sky for some possible distraction. 

“Look! It’s Orion!” He exclaims, pointing at the sky. 

“Huh?”

“Orion, the constellation of the hunter. See it?”

Devi squints her eyes as she throws her head back, but then she shakes her head. “No, Ben. That’s just the Big Dipper.”

“You’re only seeing the upper body. Look, underneath it is the skirt _thingy._ And then, to the right-”

“You’re wrong.”

Ben grabs her pointer finger that’s already extended into the air, and shifts it to point at the part of the constellation he’s talking about. “See, to the right, there’s the hand with the bow. Do you see that?” 

She nods. “Yeah…”

“And then to the upper left,” He guides her hand yet again, accidentally stumbling closer to her in the process. “There’s his other hand.”

He glances down at Devi, as her wavy hair flows behind her, and watches a smile span the bottom half of her face when she notices what he’s talking about. Her eyes glint under the moonlight, and her beaming grin makes Ben feel things he _shouldn’t_ be feeling about a friend.

It’s unbelievable, the fact that he has an infinitely bound night sky filled with millions and millions of stars and galaxies to focus on, yet he can’t seem to take his eyes off of Devi.

She’s beautiful.

Stunning, actually. Even more stunning than a clear night sky, he learns.

She looks up into his eyes, curiously, but then they flicker to his lips.

(She looked at him the same way in Malibu, before she kissed him... but then she _ran away,_ she _ran away,_ she _ran away-_ )

He drops his hand, and her arm falls shortly after, as he steps back, creating some distance between them. For a split second, he swears a look of disappointment flashes across her face, before she clears her throat.

“Do you see it? The constellation I’m talking about.” He hates how his voice sounds a little shaken. 

“Yeah,” She answers, still locking her eyes with his. "I do. I… I see it. It’s beautiful.”

“What is?”

“Your eyes-” She stops herself, and laughs nervously. “Your eyes… are really good at spotting this stuff. I meant the constellation, by the way. The constellation’s beautiful.”

Ben doesn’t bother questioning anything, and instead just simply nods. “Agreed. It’s nice out here.”

“You know, my Dad used to love spotting constellations with me,” Devi subconsciously smiles (she does that every time she recounts a story about her Dad, Ben notices) and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear shyly. 

“He bought me a telescope too, but then, I smashed it to pieces...”

“Wait, why?” Ben asks, laughing as well.

“Because…” She giggles like a child, shaking her head disbelievingly. “Because I couldn’t see Venus, my favorite planet, and so I got mad and deemed the telescope as trash. My Dad was so shocked to see it broken into pieces, the look on his face was priceless!”

Ben chortles, placing a hand over his mouth, genuinely shocked. “You broke it?! With your bare hands?”

“Yes!”

“You were always a little firecracker, huh?”

Devi’s laughter calms down, as she recollects herself. “You know it,” She says, winking.

“I’ve known about it since first grade. Couldn’t _stand_ your little annoying ass.” 

She scoffs, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. “Please, if anything I couldn’t stand your teacher’s pet, cocky, rich kid ass.” Then, she rolls her eyes, and looks down at her shoes, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “Wanna go back down?”

Ben wants to answer with a _no-_ actually, he'd rather stay with her alone, up here and away from a crowd of people where he has her to himself, but he bites back a refusal, faking a smile instead. “Sure.”

The walk back down is quiet, because Devi spends most of it downing her beer, as he spectates quietly. Once they make it to the crowded first floor, her bottle is basically empty, and so she throws it into the nearest trash can with surprisingly good aim. 

She then grabs another beer bottle, and pops it open (scarily easily), but Ben grabs the bottle out of her hands, deciding that enough is enough. 

“What?” She pouts, already slurring her words a little. 

“Your alcohol tolerance is embarrassingly low. You’ll get drunk if you drink another bottle! Are you crazy?”

“Yes,” She spits out, yanking the bottle back with great force. “I am crazy.”

Ben’s about to argue, but someone taps his shoulder from behind. He turns around tiredly. 

“Guys! We’ve been looking for you two _forever._ ” Fabiola exclaims, but she’s all over the place, and one whiff of air pretty much confirms that she is, indeed, wasted. 

Eve arrives shortly after, and holds her girlfriend up, sighing. “Sorry, Ben. I gotta take her home,” She grunts while throwing Fabiola's arm over her shoulders. “Eleanor is somewhere with Oliver, probably doing things I don't want to imagine tight now.”

Ben's nose crinkles in disgust.

“Anyways, they’re asking for single people to come to the living room, or something. It’s probably some stupid game.”

“Wait, you’re going home now? But didn’t you bring Devi here?”

Eve groans. “That’s what I’m apologizing for! You’ll have to take her home, Ben. I’m sorry.” She mutters, and then she’s off before he can even complain. 

Ben takes in a deep breath, and turns back to see Devi, widening his eyes when he sees that her second bottle is _already_ empty.

“Fuck! Devi, what the fuck?”

She tosses the bottle and watches it roll across the marble counter, and eventually land into the sink. She looks back at him with half-lidded eyes, raising her eyebrows. “Hey!” She yells, while pointing at him with a ~~cute~~ frown on her face.

“Why are you shouting at me? It’s hurting my feelings.”

Ben curses once more, leaning his weight against the counter. “I’m not… I’m not shouting at you, Devi.” He knows he's a little too angry, but he can't help it. Now he has to take her home, and somehow convince her (kind of intimidating) mother that she isn’t wasted? 

She holds him by his collar once again, dragging him to the living room. Ben gives up, letting her take him there. He kind of wishes he was getting paid to babysit her.

“Oh, hey guys! You’re the two nerds that used to fight in Shapiro’s class, right?” An unknown guy asks, and the two nod. It’s a weird thing to be known for, but he’ll take it.

“Cool. If you're single, come join us. We’re playing Spin The Bottle.” He says, while pointing to the group of people on the floor circled around a bottle. Ben groans when he sees Eric excitedly wave at the drunken girl beside him. 

This is exactly why he avoids parties. They’re stupid. Stupid games, stupid beer, stupid people.

“Okay!” Devi chirps, but Ben grabs her arm, yanking her back as she yelps. 

“Woah, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Joining the game? Not all of us are boring, Gross. Also, why are you so uptight today?” She pokes his shoulder, staring up at him with puppy eyes, and _god,_ why does it make his heart beat?

See? Stupid.

“Because you keep on making the worst decisions! And you’re drunk! Now you’re gonna exchange spit with some random stranger? Also, aren’t you tired of the spinning bottle games? Seven Seconds of Heaven wasn’t _enough_ torture for you?”

Devi rolls her eyes, blowing a raspberry at him. “You’re just a pussy, Gross. This is the last time we’ll get to have fun before exams start and universities get back to us. But whatever, Mister No Fun. You can leave. I’ll join the game alone.” She says, before pulling her arm out of his grasp, and taking a seat next to Eric.

He doesn’t know what it is, but something about the thought of Devi kissing some random person makes his blood boil, so he stomps as he moves to the spot across her, sitting down reluctantly. 

He does have a job tonight, and it’s to take care of a drunken Devi, so it wouldn’t hurt to sit here so that he can watch her. That’s the _only_ reason he’s sitting here. 

(It’s definitely not because he wants to lessen the odds of her kissing another person, by adding himself into the mix-)

“So, I’ll go first!” Eric shouts, clearly seconds away from passing out into an alcohol induced slumber. He spins the bottle, and it stops in front of a blonde that Ben doesn’t know the name of. They kiss, for a little too long, before the next person goes.

For the next few minutes, he watches multiple people either peck or make out with each other (there’s no in between), with a sour expression on his face. He regrets not drinking a little to loosen up- it’s impossible to get through this game as a sober person without withstaining a massive headache.

Eventually, it’s Devi’s turn, and he prays that she passes out before she can spin the bottle, but unfortunately, she spins it with great force, and it goes twirling until it skids to a stop.

To his horror, it stops at him.

He widens his eyes, blood rushing to his face as he struggles to choke up some words. She just squints at him before shrugging, and then crawls to him on her knees, smirking as the people around them cheer them on.

(Ben is scared to do this again, and she’s drunk, so it’s not right to let her kiss him, because this is a choice she’d never make if she was sober-)

“What… what the fuck are you doing?” He sputters out quietly, but she places herself on his lap, pressing her index finger to his lips.

“Shh…” She whispers, before smashing her mouth onto his.

Devi tastes like Guinness beer, strawberry chapstick, and Dorito chips. But she also has that lingering taste of vanilla, and it’s the same comforting fragrance that had emitted from her when they’d kissed in Malibu.

He tentatively brings a hand to her cheek, and then pushes it further into her tangled hair. He can feel her smile against his lips as he does this, and so he grabs her waist with his other hand, pulling her in closer. She wraps her arms around his neck, and one of her hands roam up and down his chest, _dangerously._

He wants to feel her warmth, to cool his nerves down. She’s like a fireplace, burning and bright, bringing heat to his shivering body. He wants more of her, more, more, more... 

(It was the same brilliant feeling in Malibu, when they’d kissed for what seemed like an eternity, and Ben thought they had everything figured out, but than she’d ran away, ran away, ran away, ran away-)

He pulls away in horror suddenly, just now noticing all the people hooting around them. 

She looks at him with a dejected expression, her eyes half-lidded, and her lips swollen (oh god, _he_ did that), as she pouts. “What happened?”

Before Ben can answer, she collapses onto him with a thud, her head landing on his shoulder. She’s still sitting on his lap, her arms limply hanging around his waist. 

When she doesn't move, a terrible realization dawns on him. As if things couldn't get anything worse- she's passed out. 

“Okay, nice party everyone. Goodnight!” He yells passive-aggressively, before getting up slowly, gently throwing a sleeping Devi over his shoulder while grumbling under his breath. 

The walk to his car parked outside is exhausting, to say the least. He stops various times to heave, positioning her flailing limbs away from smacking his face. Once he reaches his car and somehow pulls out the keys from his pocket, unlocking all the doors with a button, he opens the passenger seat, and gently places Devi on it. Her head lolls around as he brings the seat belt around her, securing her in. 

He makes sure her phone is in her jacket pocket, before getting in the driver's seat and slamming the accelerator. 

The ride is short, since everyone here lives close-by, but he spends more time parked outside of Devi’s house, banging his head against the steering wheel while nervously trying to conjure up some reason as to why the girl beside him is unresponsive.

“Hi, Mrs. Vishwakumar. Uh, I found Devi at a party and she was wasted, so I decided to bring her here- no! That’s dumb.” He groans, dragging his palm across the side of his face. 

“Hey, Mrs. Vishwakumar! Devi decided to be a little brat and drink two bottles of beer even when I told her multiple times not to! Sorry about that,” He turns to look at her sleeping face, softening his expression. “Nah, I can’t just tell her the truth.” He mutters sarcastically.

She looks peaceful when she’s resting, and he pauses to admire the way she drools. He does the same thing, and he’s always thought drooling was never a good look for anyone, but, Devi kind of… pulls it off.

And her lips… they’re parted slightly, innocently. They’re soft and pink, and especially encapsulating when she smiles- he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the way she’d smiled against his lips tonight.

He appreciates the way she looks at peace right now. It’s a rare sight- she’s usually being sarcastic, or bantering, or playful, or just being straight up difficult with him- but he cherishes the times when she looks at him with a soft gaze.

Like today, on the terrace. It made his heart beat…

Or something.

He blinks his eyes rapidly, shaking his head. She was drunk. She wasn’t sober. She was making stupid decisions this entire night.

And the kiss had been one of them. 

He digs into the compartment box, and pulls out his men’s perfume. He shuts his eyes before spraying it all over Devi, making sure that it drowns out the smell of beer radiating from her. After he’s done marinating her in Armani’s Code cologne, he steps out of the car, and walks to the other side, yanking the passenger door open.

_Oh god…_ he scrunches his nose up at the strong smell, and prays that her mother isn’t allergic to scents as he hoists her up, throwing her arm around his shoulder as he struggles to lock the door behind him.

Trying to drag a drunk girl who’s completely passed out is harder than he originally thought it would be, but he somehow manages, making it to the door with sweat trailing down his forehead. Once he rings the doorbell, Kamala opens it after a few seconds, and her smile falls almost immediately.

“Devi! Is she… is she _dead?_ ” She gasps, taking the girl from his arms with a panicked expression. “What? No, no, she’s not dead…” He mutters, his headache growing by every passing second.

“What? Devi’s _what?!_ Devi’s dead?!” Nalini comes running down the stairs, almost tripping as she shakenly nears Kamala. 

“No! She’s sleeping. Not dead.” Ben clarifies loudly, and the two girls calm down, taking deep breaths in and out. “Oh my god, how much perfume did she wear?” Kamala says, pinching her nose shut as Nalini takes the passed out girl from her. “That’s not Devi’s perfume… why does she smell like some unknown scent?!” Nalini squints, looking suspicious.

Ben laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair. It's time to put everything he's ever learned about lying in debate club, to good use. “Yeah, that’s my cologne. Devi said she forgot to wear perfume so I offered her mine. She obviously sprayed too much, ha. Used up half the bottle!” He speaks shrilly, trying his best to sound convincing.

“Alright… but how did she fall asleep this fast? And,” She pokes Devi’s cheek, watching as her head bobs from one side to another lifelessly. “Why is she not waking up?”

“She uh, she danced! Yeah, she danced for hours on end, until she got tired and fell asleep on a couch.”

“Okay… I would almost think she’s drunk by the way she’s passed out. But she doesn’t smell like alcohol so…” Nalini tuts, before dragging Devi to the couch and dropping her there. 

“Anyways, thank you so much Ben! It’s so nice to see you after a long time.” Kamala says, directing his attention to her.

He nods, and smiles softly. “Yep, same here.”

“By the way, are you and Devi best friends now? She still talks about you during dinner like usual, but now it’s more… positive. Like, _Ben made me laugh today,_ or, _do you want to hear this joke Ben told me?_ It’s cute.” 

Ben can’t hold back a dorky grin at learning about this new information. He really _is_ her friend now, and he loves it.

(Just a friend? Their kiss that happened just minutes ago runs through his mind-)

“Uh, yeah! We’re friends. Really good friends.”

“That’s good to know, Ben.” Kamala replies earnestly.

“Mhm. Uh, I have to go now. Goodnight!” He waves his hand, before treading lightly to his car. 

The minute he gets in, the smell of alcohol and strong cologne mixes together to form a pungent odor, and he scrunches his nose up, sighing tiredly. He wishes he’d never gone to this stupid party in the first place.

But then he looks to his right, remembering the way Devi looked while passed out in his passenger seat, and the ghost of a smile lingers on his lips.

Maybe he doesn’t regret it all that much.

* * *

When he spots Devi trudging through the hallways, he digs through his locker, searching for the items he’d specifically prepared for her today.

“Good morning,” Devi greets, and she reaches a hand up to twist her lock open, but it goes to her head instead, as she clutches it in pain. “Why do I feel like shit?”

Ben doesn’t say anything. Instead, he hands her a Tylenol and a bottle of lemonade, and she stares at him blankly before taking them. She pops the pill into her mouth immediately, yanking the top of the bottle open and chugging almost half of the lemonade down.

“You’re a lifesaver.” She says, moaning.

“You’re welcome,” He mutters, shutting his locker. Devi leans her weight against the metal, banging her head against it gently. “How much did I drink last night?”

“Two bottles of beer,” Ben answers. “I told you not to, yet you still drank it all.”

“I’m an idiot, that’s for sure. This morning I woke up with a first class hangover! I’m just exhausted from having to act like everything was fine in front of my mother.”

“Oh yeah? That was exhausting for you, huh? Imagine being me! I had to drive your drunk ass home, and then somehow convince your Mom that you weren’t passed out from beer, but just asleep, by spraying a shit ton of my cologne on you!” He shouts, frustrated. 

“I thought I was imagining that scent when I woke up.” She mumbles, rubbing her chin sheepishly.

“Yeah, well, you weren’t!” 

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it. One bottle was enough!”

“I know, I know…” She pouts, knocking his shoulder with hers. “I’m truly sorry.”

Her lips are still a teeny bit swollen, he notices. And then he remembers.

“Uh… were you… like, do you… have any memory… of… uh…” He stammers, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“Uh… do I… have… any memory… of… what?” She mocks him, and usually Ben would laugh, but he doesn’t feel up to it today.

“Do you remember Spin the Bottle?”

Devi purses her lips, and her leg bounces. “Uh, yeah. But it’s whatever.”

He freezes. “It’s… whatever?”

She shrugs. “It’s whatever. No big deal. We shouldn’t let it ruin our friendship, or anything. I was drunk, I forced myself onto you-”

“You didn’t really force yourself onto me-”

“What I’m saying is,” She places her hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “We can just pretend like it never happened.”

Ideally, that’s the answer he was hoping for. It’s easy, and makes things less complicated. It means they don’t nave to examine their feelings, or plan out what happens next. If they just forget about it, than it’s like a blip that’s erased. It never happened.

But Ben doesn’t really want to pretend like it never happened. 

“Alright,” He says, gulping. “It never happened.”

“Guys!” Eleanor runs up to them, and they go flying apart. “I heard you guys kissed while playing Spin the Bottle! Is there something you both have to tell me?” She asks cheekily, and Fabiola spectates close behind, with suspicious eyes, but Devi clears her throat.

“Nope. Me and Ben-”

“Ben and I,” He corrects. 

She groans. “ _Ben and I_ have both decided that we’ll pretend like it never happened.” Before anyone can oblige, Devi’s off, stomping away to her first period class, but the other two girls stay, looking at Ben pitifully. 

“You like her. Like, _like her,_ like her.” Eleanor says, in a very matter-of-fact way.

Ben slings his backpack over his shoulder, shrugging. “Too many likes in one sentence, El. And no, I don’t.”

“You totally do! You did not look happy about whatever she just proclaimed.” Fabiola exasperates. 

“Guys, no. She’s just my friend, like she is yours.”

“Mhm, alright, sure. But in two months, when you guys are making out with each other again, hopefully you won’t be saying the same thing.” Eleanor quips sarcastically, and Fabiola laughs. He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t retort back with anything. 

In a month of two, they won’t be making out. They’ll be planning out their separate life routes, and they’ll be friends through it all. Nothing more, nothing less.

Plus, what would the future look like for them? They want to go to different universities, it just won’t work out.

Or at least, that’s what he tries desperately to convince himself of.

* * *

Ben stirs his coffee quietly, observing how the cream on top sinks into the brown liquid. He takes a glance at Paxton every five seconds or so, wondering when he’ll start talking.

“So,” Paxton says, breaking the silence, and Ben lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “How are you?”

“I am... good.” He measly answers, taking a sip from his coffee, but he yelps at the way it burns his tongue. Paxton laughs, all honey-like. “Be careful, it’s hot.”

“Yeah,” He blows on it lightly, trying to cool it down. “Anyways, what’s up? Why are we here, at this coffee shop?”

“Oh, it's nothing. I just thought we could catch up.” Paxton answers, resting his head against his arm. “Plus, I miss you.”

Ben widens his eyes. “You missed me?”

“Yeah,” The older one scoffs, adjusting his jacket. “I missed talking to your smart-ass. Other than Rebecca, you’re like, the smartest person I know.”

“What about Devi?” He blurts out, and regret washes over him almost immediately. Paxton raises an eyebrow at the blue-eyed boy, a little taken aback. “She’s smart, yeah, but we don’t talk that much anymore. She talks more with Becca.”

Ben wants to ask why, he wants to ask what dating her was like, who broke up with who, why they ended things… but the words die out on his tongue. It’s inappropriate to ask questions like that, and it wouldn’t be fair to either Paxton or Devi.

To his surprise, Paxton snorts, smirking at him. “You’re curious, aren’t you? About her and me?”

He straightens up, quick to defend himself. “No! I-”

“It’s fine,” He raises his hand, interrupting Ben. “I’ll tell you. It’s not all that juicy or personal.” He takes a sip, before continuing to talk.

“Devi and I started dating in sophomore year. You probably already know that. I left a voicemail asking her to hang out, and it all spiraled from there.”

Ben nods, well aware of all this. She was in his car when her eyes had widened at the voicemail she’d gotten from him.

He lost her the same day Paxton got her.

“For the first few weeks, it was nice. But then, we started arguing a bit more. She wasn’t acting like herself around me. It felt like she was scared to be herself. And we had so many different interests, it was so hard to find something we had in common. So, that summer, we broke up.”

Ben tentatively takes a sip from his coffee, wiping any remnants off his lips with his tongue. “Specifics?”

Paxton smiles. “She broke up with me.”

Ben freezes. She was the one to break up with him? It’s unimaginable, especially considering how obsessed she was with him. It’s shocking. 

“So… are you… you know… still…”

“Nope. I do not still like her that way. But it was fun while it lasted.” He answers nonchalantly, staring out the window. Ben doesn't know why, but he feels a little relieved. 

“How was it like? Dating her?” Ben chokes out boldly.

“She was a good girlfriend, duh. But again, it felt like she was less fun around me. Like she was putting up a facade of being perfect. Wonder what it would have been like if she let loose.”

“Ah…” Ben looks down at his coffee, absentmindedly. “Probably for the best. The girl is just plain rude when she _lets loose_ , as you like to say.”

Paxton chuckles, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…” Ben’s lips tug up into a soft smile, as he reminisces their banter. “She loves arguing about the pettiest things. Like, once in third grade, we both really wanted the first Harry Potter book from the school library, and I ended up signing it out first. So she scribbled _Harry Potter: the Philosopher's Stone_ over a _Hunger Games_ book and tried to convince me to switch with her.”

“No way!”

“I know,” Ben's eyes crinkle up as he grins widely. “She’s always been that crazy. But she’s the only one who can banter with me on my level and keep me on my toes. Like, she’s quick on her feet, I guess. Some of her comebacks are too good. But don’t tell her I said that.”

Paxton nods slowly, eyeballing him. “You like her, don’t you?”

Ben chokes on his drink, and places it on the table, reaching for a tissue to wipe his mouth. “What? As a friend? Yeah.”

“Don’t act stupid, Ben. You totally like her!” Paxton exclaims, a smirk on his face. 

“No, I don’t. You’re like the third person to tell me that… dear lord. I think you guys got used to us only arguing, that now we’re friends, you’re confused.”

“I think you’re the one who’s confused,” Paxton retorts, crossing his arms. “Your face lights up when you talk about her.”

Ben scoffs, rolling his eyes. “I was _literally_ talking about how annoying she is… nothing romantic about that.”

“You and Devi do it differently, I guess. But you were reminiscing these stories with a smile,” He reaches his hand over, poking Ben's cheek with it. “See that dimple of yours? It was on full display. Also, I used a new word. Reminisce? Did you catch it?”

Ben smiles, nodding. “Of course. That's my boy! Glad to know you've actually been reading the word lists I send you.”

Suddenly, Paxton’s expression grows more serious. “Hey man, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but, during the entire time we were dating, and after as well… she kept on looking at you.”

Ben blinks in confusion. “Huh?”

“She complained about you annoying her in class to Rebecca, but in the hallways… I could see her eyes lingering on you when you weren’t looking. And if we observe recent events, at my birthday party… she was glued to your side.”

“I think you’ve been hallucinating for a while now,” Ben jokes, shaking his head. There’s no chance of whatever Paxton’s insinuating being true.

(He _can't_ let himself believe that, because he doesn't want to be hurt again-)

“You know, for being the smartest people I know, you two are pretty dumb when it comes to stuff like this.”

“Well, buddy, you’ve got it all wrong. We are _just_ friends.”

Paxton shrugs, throwing his head back as he finishes his coffee. “Whatever label works for you,” He mumbles cheekily. “Are you done with your coffee?” 

“Yeah.” Ben answers, after downing it all in one shot. It burns his throat a little, but he ignores the pain. Paxton bends forward, drumming his fingers against the table. “Do you wanna go on a walk?”

Ben flicks Paxton’s forehead playfully, chuckling at the way he yelps. “That was for trying to convince me that Devi and I are in love,” He whispers. “And yes. Let’s go.”

After they pay for their drinks, they get out of the warm coffee shop, shivering at the chilly wind. 

“How’s math going for you?” Ben asks, waiting for Paxton to tie his shoelace. 

“It’s going way better, man. Really, your study sheets are lifesavers. Never stop sending me them,” Paxton says, as he switches his feet. “Like, no joke, you’re the best, bro. And you’re a god at algebra. You’re my _algebro_ …”

Ben snickers at his terrible joke, and offers a hand to him, helping him off the ground. Paxton never fails to make him feel better.

“Pax, I don’t know if I told you, but I missed you too.”

Paxton’s eyes glint, and he throws an arm over Ben’s shoulder, with a wide grin spread across his face. “We should have became friends earlier. We totally missed out.”

Ben smiles. “Yeah,” He replies, earnestly. “We really should’ve.”

* * *

It’s a Saturday evening when both of his parents come home, while Ben is in the middle of a Zoom call with Fabiola, Eleanor, Eve, and Devi.

“ _Bubelah,_ we’re home!” He hears his Dad yell, and he jumps in his spot on the sofa.

“Dad?” He mumbles, in complete disbelief. “You’re home? For… for dinner?”

“Not just Dad, honey.” Mrs. Gross walks out from behind, and shuts the front door behind her, pulling her luggage with her. 

Ben’s eyes flit between his parents and his laptop, wondering whether hitting the mute button is a good idea. His friends stare quietly, watching in awe.

“Are those your parents?” Fabiola asks aloud, and Ben nods.

“Are you on a call?” His mother asks excitedly, running over to where he’s sitting. His father follows close behind, moving his head into the camera’s view.

His friends wave awkwardly, as his parents wave back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys were going to be home tonight.” Ben apologizes, but his parents ignore him.

“Who’s who?” His dad asks.

“Uh, so, that’s Eve.” He points to the left hand corner, and the girl in question smiles widely. The two adults nod in acknowledgement. “And then, this is Fabiola,” He points to the center, and she’s forced to turn on her camera, waving awkwardly.

“Wow, these two are so pretty! I’m sure they have handsome boyfriends!” His mother says, and Ben winces, clearing his throat. He decides not to correct her to prevent any other possibly embarrassing things she could say, moving onto the next person instead.

“This is Eleanor.” 

“Hi, Eleanor!” His father exclaims, and she says hello back. 

“And this is Devi.” 

The girl in the bottom right corner of the screen waves, tossing her hair behind her. “Hey Mister and Missus Gross! Remember me? I moved in for a while?”

His parents smile at her blankly, before gasping in recognition. “Ahh… yes! I do! Although, I thought that was your girlfriend that moved in,” He turns to Ben. “Shannon, right?”

He swallows dryly, shaking his head. “Shira. And no, that was Devi.”

“By the way, where’s David? The guy that you talked about all the time whenever we would ask you about your day? Are you still friends with him?”

Fabiola snorts. Devi blanches. Ben wants to die. 

“Uh… dad, that’s Devi. And I did not talk about her everyday!” He says defensively. His parents weren’t even home everyday. If anything, Patty’s the one who's heard far too many rants about Devi.

Eleanor scoffs. “Okay, alright. Very convincing, Benjamin.” Devi clutches onto the drawstrings of her hoodie tightly, most likely in embarrassment. 

“Okay, I have to go! Bye guys!” Ben chirps suddenly, before shutting his laptop, ears aflame. “So, are you guys home for dinner? You’re sleeping over?” He asks hopefully, feeling overjoyed at having his parents beside him for once.

“Sorry, _b_ _ubelah._ We actually came here to pack some extra clothes. We have to leave in an hour for a very important trip. Kanye West wants to be president, and he’s landed himself into a very difficult case. Gotta help the client.”

Ben’s smile falls right off his face, and he sinks back into the couch. 

“But, we can stay for dinner if you’d like,” His mother adds on, patting his back, and Ben lights up once again. Maybe this could be his chance, his chance to be upfront with his parents and tell them what he wants for once. This is what Dr. Ryan’s been pushing him to do ever since he’d stepped foot into her office.

_Tell them._

“Passing on such a big client is difficult and a bad decision, but we love you very much, so we’d do it for you.” She continues, and Ben frowns.

There it is- the guilt trip. His parents' biggest weapon.

They always ask him whether he wants them to stay home, but then they add something about staying being _difficult,_ as if they have to sacrifice everything just to spend an adequate amount of time with their son.

“No, it’s fine,” Ben says, even though it’s not. “You guys should go. Help Kanye, or something.”

His parents smile, placing kisses on the top of his head. “Love you, kiddo.” 

They get up, and walk upstairs, while talking about what airline they’re going to book for tonight. “Love you too,” Ben mumbles, and with their backs faced to him, he rolls his eyes. 

It’s disappointing that neither of them even bothered to ask him about his therapy, or whether he’s okay.

But then again, he _is_ only an afterthought to them.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Just an afterthought.

* * *

“Shit.”

“Bitch.”

“Fuck.”

“Ass.”

“Uh... Ass _hole._ ”

“Shit.”

“Nope! I already said that. You lost. I won.” Ben smiles, nudging her closer to the bus window. She rolls her eyes, crossing her arms. “You sly motherfucker.”

Their eyes widen.

“Dammit! How did I forget that one?”

Ben shrugs. “Too bad.”

“Hey, what are you guys doing?” A curly haired girl asks quietly from the seat behind them, curiously eavesdropping the entire time.

“We’re challenging each other to see who knows the most curse words. I won.” Ben explains, boasting proudly. 

Devi whips her head around, glaring at him. “I was close to winning! I just forgot the word motherfucker, sue me.”

The teacher sitting in front finally gets up to stare at them, and the three sit back down almost immediately, holding back laughs. 

Ben grabs his _Airpods_ from his pocket, taking them out of the case. Devi takes one from him, and without any warning, sticks it in her ear. He rolls his eyes, and puts the other one in his ear.

After a few minutes, her head lolls around sleepily, and eventually it ends up resting on his shoulder. Ben doesn’t push her off- he just smiles softly, leaning back and fluttering his eyes shut.

Ben remembers the sheer panic that shot through his spine as he saw Mr. Shapiro offer Devi the role of Equatorial Guinea, with a warning to not start World War Three again. He needs that gavel- it’s the last time he can earn it, and Devi being added into the mix makes it harder for that happen.

Why?

Well, number one: she’s intelligent.

Number two: she’s distracting.

Number three: she’s intelligent… and distracting.

(And his feelings are only getting more confusing and muddled the more he talks to her-)

But now that Devi and him are friends, he decided to warmly welcome her, with only a small reminder about not getting in between the gavel and him. Plus, getting to spend time with someone as entertaining as Devi isn’t all that terrible.

Besides, what’s the most that could happen?

* * *

The first conference goes well.

Devi, as Equatorial Guinea, pairs up with Ben, who’s America, and end up acing it together. They are a killer pair, and it’s obvious information. The rest of the panelists end up getting slaughtered by the two, who propose an inarguable solution to climate change.

Ben has a smile the entire time on his face. He’s been wondering what it would be like if Devi hadn’t nuked him in sophomore year, so having the confirmation that they do make a good pair for Model UN indeed makes him weirdly happy.

After the conference, Devi walks with Ben to his room. 

“So… we totally killed that.” She snarks, leaning against the doorframe as she watches Ben open his bag, and pull out his nightwear. 

“We totally did.” Ben replies haughtily, smirking. 

She looks around, bending her head inside. “Why is there no one here? Where are your roommates?”

Ben sighs, shrugging. “One is in the bathroom, and the other two are attending some mini-party that’s being hosted down the hall… you know, kind of like the one that we held in sophomore year?”

Devi nods, and then tilts her head curiously. Ben shakes his head, immediately knowing what she’s trying to ask him. “No, David. We are _not_ doing the whole party thing again. I am not going to cover for your drunk ass.”

“Hey,” She whines. “You can get drunk this time, and I’ll stay sober!”

“You think I trust you enough to not get wasted? Hell no,” He scoffs, and then brings his fingers to his temple. “I’m sick of the parties. And, frankly, I think getting beauty sleep for tomorrow is important. We need to work together to get the gavel, and hangovers won’t help.”

“Correction: we’re working together to get _you_ the gavel. You owe me, Gross.”

“You agreed to it already. Too bad. Plus, aren’t you technically repaying me for saving your ass when you got drunk?”

Devi smiles wryly. “Okay, you win.”

“Like always,” Ben remarks, and she gasps, stomping up to his bed and throwing a pillow at his face. 

“Who’s that?” A scrawny redhead dries his hair with a towel, raising his eyebrows at the two. 

“Uh, Brian, this is Devi.”

“Hi, Brian. You’re representing Brazil, aren’t you?” She says, shaking his hand formally. He nods. “Yeah. And you’re Equatorial Guinea, aren’t you? You totally killed it with this guy!”

Ben suppresses a proud grin, straightening his back confidently instead. “Thanks.” They both answer at the same time.

“So… what are you doing here? Are you his girlfriend?”

Devi widens her eyes, shaking her head. “Uh, no. We’re just friends.”

Ben bites his bottom lip, ignoring the growing pit in his stomach. “Yeah. What she said.”

Brian eyeballs them, a little taken aback at how defensive they sound. “Well, that’s a shame. You two would totally be a power couple.”

He can spot a linger of a smile on Devi’s lips, before she clears her throat. “Uh, anyways, Ben, goodnight.” She pats his shoulder awkwardly, before turning her back on him and strutting away. 

He can still hear her heels clicking against the hallway floor as he disappointingly mutters a goodnight back. 

“So, Ben, right? I know we just met, but…” Brian quiets, staring at him with a pitiful gaze.

The blue-eyed boy taps his foot impatiently, while zipping his bag up. “What?”

“There’s definitely some sort of sexual tension between you and this chick. Did you guys… y’know…”

Ben almost gags, before rolling his eyes and pushing past Brian on his way to the bathroom. “God, no.” He answers, and then shuts the door behind him. 

* * *

It’s 3 AM in the morning when he’s shaken awake, an unknown hand covering his mouth.

“What? What the fuck!” He yells, but it’s muffled. 

“Stop! Stop yelling.” A familiar voice whisper-shouts, and so he does what she says, before her hand slips away. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” She mutters, and Ben can immediately tell that it’s Devi. He props his elbow against the pillow, trying to calm down his racing heartbeat. “What the fuck were you thinking? I thought I was getting kidnapped!” He scolds her in a hushed tone.

“I’m sorry,” She repeats, and this time her voice breaks. “I just… I needed to talk to someone I know.”

It’s then that Ben realizes that she’s crying, or was crying, thanks to the tiny sliver of light that pours through the window. There are evident remnants of tear tracks down her cheeks, and so his anger fizzles out, promptly replaced with concern.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can I sleep with you?” She asks, with no hesitation.

Ben blinks, mouth agape. “Uh… I beg your pardon?”

She flicks his forehead, and he restrains a yelp as to not wake up his roommates. It’s incredible how accurate her aim is, even in dim lighting.

“Ow…” He croaks, rubbing the targeted area.

“That’s what you get for being a moron. I didn’t mean it like that, you perv. I meant, can I sleep _beside_ you?”

Ben sighs tiredly, and drags his palm across the side of his face. “Sorry, but Brian is sleeping beside me, and the other bed should be occupied as well.”

Devi shakes her head. “Brian isn’t here.”

He turns around in his bed, extending his arm out and feeling the other side, but it’s empty. “Where is he?”

“He’s in my room. I asked him to go there.”

Ben widens his eyes. “You did _what_?”

“His girlfriend is one of my roommates, and so I asked him if we could switch rooms for the night, right before I woke you up.”

He runs a hand through his hair, and lets his head fall onto the pillow. As usual, Devi always knows how to get what she wants. “Get in.” He groans, giving up. After seconds of scuttling, he feels the mattress sink in as she gently lies down to the right of him, pulling the blanket over her slowly. 

“I hope you’re not a blanket hoarder,” Ben mutters, as he turns to face away from Devi. His heart is doing a little _too_ much with her presence so close to him, and looking at her will probably only make it worse.

“I’m not, don’t worry.” He feels her breath on the back of his neck as she whispers, and a shiver goes down his spine. He was expecting some witty retort, but her serious reply makes him feel a little dejected.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asks bravely.

“No,” She says, and he feels her tug the blanket up higher. “But yes. No and yes.”

Ben sighs tiredly, bracing himself, before turning around to face Devi. Under the light coming from the window, he can partly make out her expression, and she looks extremely sullen. _Unsettingly_ sullen.

“Is it about your dad?”

She digs her hands underneath her cheek, snuggling into the pillow. “Maybe,” She whispers hoarsely. “I had a dream about a fight we had the night he died. I kept on having it during sophomore year, but then it lessened, thanks to Dr. Ryan. But, I had it again tonight.”

Ben hums, unsure on what to say. 

“It’s just… I thought Dr. Ryan’s therapy was finally working. That I'm over it. But tonight, I was reminded that I’m- I’m not.” Her voice quivers with each word, and Ben bites his bottom lip, feeling his heart break for her. 

“Hey,” He starts, moving closer. “It’s perfectly normal. You’re never going to completely get over him. That’s just how grief works. It’s painful, on and off, and everlasting. But it gets better with time…”

“Isn’t it pathetic, Ben?” She scoffs, moonlight reflecting off her glossy eyes. “Isn't it pathetic that two years later, I’m still crying over him?”

“Devi, he’s your father. He was an amazing person, and even to me it was obvious. His presence… it was infectious. Comforting. And when my parents wouldn’t show up to our competitions, it was _your_ Dad who would congratulate me when I won first, and console me when I came second, to you.” He says, and hesitantly brings a hand to her cheek, wiping away a tear. 

“I can’t say that I loved him like you did, or your Mom did, but… I loved him. I was grateful to him. _God,_ I still am,” He pouts when she sniffles, and circles his thumb against the side of her face comfortingly. “Your Dad was- is an amazing person. It’s because he was so goodhearted that you can’t forget him. And I know you don’t _want_ to forget him.”

Devi laughs sadly, and shifts a tiny bit closer to him. “You’re right, I don’t. I just miss him.”

“That’s alright,” He then moves his hand down to the upper part of her chest, pointing to it. “He’s always there. In your heart, he lives on.”

Devi smacks his hand away, snorting. “That’s the cheesiest thing I’ve heard you say, Gross. But thanks.”

Ben shrugs smugly. “No problem.”

A silence falls onto them, as they stare into each other’s eyes quietly. Their pain is unspoken- but it doesn’t need to be put into words. They have the ability to understand each other, in that way, because they’re so different, yet strikingly similar. Opposite and equal, co-existing. 

“Ben,” She whispers, breaking the silence. “Is therapy helping you?”

He purses his lips, digging his toes into the mattress. “Uh… I guess.”

He hasn’t told anyone about his friendship list, but for some reason, he feels a weird urge to reveal it to Devi. It’s like this night is meant for them to open up to one another, to take a deep dive into each other’s innermost thoughts.

And so he takes a deep breath, before saying, “Dr. Ryan told me to make me a list of five people I should befriend by the end of the year.”

She blinks in confusion. “What?”

Ben sighs. “She told me to make a list of five people I should befriend by the end of the year. It’s to work on solving my loneliness.”

“Oh. Who… who did you choose?”

“Eve, Fab, El, Paxton… and you.”

He’s scared she’s going to get angry at him, but then she giggles, throwing him off guard. 

“That makes way more sense… I mean, you’d never do something like that on your own.” She says, and Ben rolls his eyes. “I ordered it from the most challenging to least. I worked my way up from the fifth person to the first. Guess who was first?”

She punches him lightly in the chest, shaking her head. “You ass,” She retorts, but she’s chuckling. “And you succeeded.”

“Yes,” He boasts with ease. “I did. I have amazing friends now.”

“You do,” Devi says, smiling. “So, no need for therapy anymore? Like, you’re happy now?”

Ben pauses, a sinking feeling overwhelming his body. “No,” He admits, and his eyes sting. “I don’t know why, but, there’s still this unsatisfied feeling that won’t go away. Like I’m missing something.”

Devi clicks her tongue. “Is there anything that’s bothering you? That you’re unsure about? That makes you sad?”

He dwells over telling her that _she’s_ confusing him, that his feelings for her are confusing him, but he shoves the thought away quickly. 

Something else that’s bothering him?

The memory of his parents leaving out the door plagues him, now more crystal clear than ever. 

“My parents…” He whispers, and a tear glides down his cheek, eventually falling onto the pillow from the force of gravity. Devi reaches a finger out, prodding his face with it, and then puts her index finger under the moonlight, squinting at it.

“That’s- are you crying?” 

Ben gulps. “No.”

She circles an arm around his waist, and drags herself closer to him. She feels warm against his body, and he can’t lie, it’s assuring in a sense. Comforting.

“What are you doing?” He asks, wiping his tears away. 

“Hugging you,” She mumbles against his chest. “It’s what good friends do.”

Ben winces. There it is again, that word. _Friends._

He throws an arm over her figure, pulling the blanket up higher so it covers them both up to their shoulders. 

“You know, Ben? It’s not your fault that your parents don’t realize how amazing you are. But don’t worry. When that day comes, the day they come to know your worth, they’ll never let you go. Okay?”

He feels a warm feeling erupt from his chest and radiate throughout, at her sweet words. They’re all he needs to hear to feel better.

“Okay.” He murmurs into her hair, rubbing circles with his thumb on her back. 

There’s a lot that remains unspoken between them. _Thank you, I’m glad you’re here_ , _you’re comfortingly warm._

His eyes flutter shut when he hears Devi snore lightly, and he can feel his shirt get a little wet where her mouth is, yet he doesn’t groan in disgust at the thought of her drool stains.

Actually, he finds it kind of cute.

Cute. 

_Cute?_

Everything about Devi is endearing to him. Even the things that he used to despise, like her temper, or the way her voice got snarky whenever she’d argue with him, or her stubbornness, seems endearing to him now. But he wonders whether he _ever_ found them truly annoying… maybe he just liked her flaws, so much that it bothered him. The fact that he found his nemesis endearing _bothered_ him.

It still bothers him.

She is- or was, his rival. But what is a rival, really? Is a rival just when one has a liking to someone so much that it bothers them? Or is it when one finally finds their equal?

She’s always pushed him to be the better version of himself, whether it was through shots at his pride, competition, or just plain bickering. He’s sure that he wouldn’t be even half as motivated as he is now if it wasn’t for the constant drive to beat Devi at everything.

She’s the only one who challenges him, the only one on his level, the only one that keeps him on his toes. She’s interesting, intelligent, curious, stubborn, kind, and unapologetically herself around him. And he finds that he's unapologetically himself around her.

Maybe the kiss at Malibu wasn’t impulsive. Maybe it had feelings, real feelings from both parties, erupting and exploding after being repressed all these years. Maybe little Ben appreciated her a lot more than he thought at the time. 

She was meant to be his enemy.

That’s what he thought her role was, in his prewritten destiny. That she was meant to be his nemesis, and nothing more.

Ben is starting to realize that it was stupid of him to ever think that.

Friends can become enemies, just like enemies can become friends. Ego and pride, which is something the both of them have plenty of, can turn what is good into bad. But kind words- the same kind words they’d tell each other when their guard was down, when they were vulnerable to one another- can turn what is bad into something good. 

They’d secretly looked out for one another plenty of times while growing up, but everything changed in sophomore year. They’d unraveled their true selves in front of each other, completely.

And now that they’re friends again, he’s reminded of how wonderful the real Devi is.

She’s hot-headed, but also thoughtful.

She’s stubborn, but strong-willed.

She makes stupid decisions, but she genuinely repents for them.

She’s boastful, but also insecure, and vulnerable.

He appreciates every part of her- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Everything about her is beautiful to him. Everything about her is endearing to him. Everything about her is…

_Oh god._

Maybe Eleanor was right.

Maybe he does _like her,_ like her.

* * *

The next morning, he wakes up to the scent of dandruff shampoo.

Once he’s fully awake, he becomes increasingly aware of the intimate position he’s in right now, with Devi’s head tucked underneath his chin, and her limbs splayed all over him. He peers over slowly, trying not to stir Devi, as he attempts to sit up.

The blanket is fully on her side of the bed, and he smiles to himself. Of course she’s a blanket hoarder. It fits her character, in some sort of way.

The other bed is empty, and the blankets are made, but they’re suspiciously clean, almost as if they were untouched. He then groans in realization, piecing together that his other two roommates must have never came back. 

He turns around, glancing at the clock, not wanting her to be caught in his bed. _6:02 AM,_ it reads, and he sighs in relief. The conference today is at 8 AM, so they have plenty of time to get ready and prep.

Ben hears a small snore erupt from beneath his arm, and he looks down, holding back a laugh. 

She’s beautiful.

Her hair is splayed all over the pillow, her mouth is parted slightly open, and her face is completely bare, yet she’s still beautiful. 

His thoughts from yesterday come rushing back, and they ring in his head, bounce around like a migraine that he can’t get rid of no matter how much he tries.

Her eyes flutter open, as she sleepily stares up at him. She smacks her lips, and _oh god,_ it’s so cute, the way her mouth tilts up into a dorky smile and her eyes crinkle up at the brightness of the room. 

He wants to kiss her.

It’s not like he hasn’t kissed her before. She kissed him in Malibu, and they’d kissed at the party.

But he wants more. Something real. Something that matters.

Ben’s struck by the domesticity of their position, and how comfortable he is. He wouldn't mind waking up next to her every morning, greeting her with a smile and pulling her in closer as he inhales her scent. He’d be okay with doing it for the rest of his life, actually, but that’s the scary part.

When he looks into his future, his _ideal_ future, he doesn’t think of living alone in a big mansion, or buying big cars.

He thinks of waking up next to _her_ , every morning before he leaves for work. Every fucking morning. 

And so he lets this compelling urge take over his body and leans in, digging his hand into her hair as she widens her eyes. He waits, waits for her to nod in consent, before engulfing her lips with his.

The feeling he gets from kissing her is blissful. Ben doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it- instead, each time he does it, the gratifying feeling exponentially grows, larger, larger and larger, until it’s too overwhelming for his sensations to handle.

Every nerve of his body is alive right now, and he doesn’t think he can ever forget the way she excitedly responds back, deepening the kiss and arching her back into his. 

But, every good moment has to come to an end, and they pull away from each other, breathing softly against each other’s lips.

He holds his breath, afraid of what’s coming next. The kissing is always easy for them- it’s the aftermath that’s the problem.

“Good morning,” She whispers, and he can’t help but snort. 

“Good morning to you too.” He answers, quietly, before slipping away from the covers and standing up on his two feet. 

“Oh, by the way… I don’t know how we forgot, but, today’s Ivy Day. They preponed it.”

“What?” Ben chokes out, anxiety washing over him.

“I know, I remembered last night but I forgot to tell you. That’s why I’m so calm about it now, because I already freaked out about it yesterday. Anyways,” Devi rubs her eyes, propping herself onto her elbows. “You can freshen up. I’ll go back to my room to get dressed. We’ll tell each other what universities we got into _after._ Okay?”

Ben gulps, grabbing his phone from the dresser table as he feverishly nods. He watches her get up, and make the bed, before she walks to the door.

“Oh,” She says, turning back when she’s out in the hallway. “Don’t forget our plan for today. We’re gonna win this gavel!” She says, pumping her fist in the air, before running out of the doorframe.

Ben just stares blankly. It’s the nonchalance of it all that’s confusing. But then again, Devi has always been good at that. Pretending like something intimate between them never happened.

He sighs, a little disappointed. He was hoping that it would be different this time.

Whatever. Now he has a conference to worry about, and also, his future.

He walks into the bathroom, and locks himself inside, pacing in front of the mirror as he signs into the Yale website, anxiously awaiting as the page loads. When it does, he tells himself to calm down before scrolling reluctantly. 

He skims through the whole thing and catches the words _waiting list,_ before feeling his heart drop to his stomach.

Waiting list. He’d only gotten on the waiting list.

He tries to dig up some sadness, any disappointment, but to his avail, he doesn’t. He’s bummed, of course, but he doesn’t feel as devastated as he should. 

(He tells himself it's because he still has a chance to make it to Yale, but he knows deep down that the law program in Yale isn’t the best in the country, and that another university is where he sees himself at-)

Ben pauses, staring at his disheveled reflection. 

Something he didn’t tell anyone, not even Devi, was that he had enrolled in three different ivy league universities. One was Yale, one was Harvard…

And the other one was Princeton.

He decides to check his application status for Harvard first, to get it out of the way. Thankfully, he’s made it in, but he knows that's unimportant. The only two choices he sees as remotely possible is Yale or Princeton. Harvard is his backup, as silly as it sounds.

(He knows that he’s scared to check whether he's made it into Princeton because of Devi, because he’s scared she’ll get angry at him for enrolling into her preferred university and breaking their pact-)

Ben braces himself, before shakily tapping his fingers on his phone screen, checking his status for Princeton. He shouldn’t be worried. It’s not like he actually got in, right?

He doesn’t know whether he feels like rejoicing or throwing up, when he reads the word _accepted,_ in bold lettering.

He’s speechless. 

What is he supposed to say?

Yale has been his dream since he was a first grader. He’d always stuck his snobby nose up into the air and claimed he’d become a Yale graduate, while Devi would do the same, but about Princeton. That's how their lives were meant to be. They were supposed to separate after senior year with a friendly handshake to signal the end of their rivalry, Devi going to Princeton and Ben going to Yale. 

Things weren’t supposed to be this complicated.

He doesn’t know why he finds himself even wondering whether Princeton is a good choice. He knows the law program is just as good in Princeton as it is in Yale, but imagining his future at the latter is hard. He envisions monotonous, boring, dull memories being made there.

But Princeton… if he goes to Princeton, he won’t be alone- his life will be more colorful. He tries to ask himself why. Is it only because the university's courses are just as good?

(He knows, he _fucking_ knows, that Princeton has something Yale doesn’t, and it’s a girl, a specific girl-)

Ben slaps his forehead, and drags his palm down his face, groaning. 

“Fuck.”

* * *

They win the gavel, but barely.

Throughout the entire conference, Ben stutters, stammers, forgets their plan and almost loses an argument, but Devi saves him each time. He tries to ignore her partly concerned, partly annoyed expression that she’s shooting him every five seconds.

He hasn’t told her.

They haven’t talked about universities yet, and it’s the only thing plaguing him, constantly bouncing around in the back of his conscious.

On the bus, Devi slides onto his seat, sitting right beside him. 

“We won the gavel.” She says, smiling, but it falls when Ben continues to stare out the window silently. 

“Is something wrong?”

He turns to look at her, but finds himself unable to open his mouth. He can’t, he’s scared to. 

She sighs tiredly. “Okay, well, if you won’t talk, I will. I got into Princeton.”

Ben can practically feel the sinking of his stomach. Of course she got into Princeton, why wouldn’t she?

“That’s great,” He finally speaks, and she smiles softly. “I’m very happy for you.”

She scoffs, nudging her shoulder with his. “Well, it was expected.”

He tries to forget for a moment, and lets loose. “Look at you, stroking your ego like always.” He quips, smirking, and she rolls her eyes. 

“So, what about you?”

_Oh god._

He can’t avoid it. He can’t lie. He has to get this out of the way, _now._ Direct communication is always the best route, right?

“I got on the waiting list for Yale,” He answers, and Devi pouts, throwing her arm over his shoulder. “It’s okay, at least you weren’t rejected. You’ll make it in!” She says, attempting to comfort him, but it only makes him feel more uneasy.

“I got into Harvard.” He adds, and Devi gasps, grinning widely. “Same,” She boasts. “Although Princeton is where I’m going.”

Ben winces. “Listen,” He gulps nervously, hands clammy. “I- I got into Princeton.”

Devi gapes. “What?”

“I got into Princeton,” He repeats, observing as her expression hardens, and her arm slips away from him. “I applied for Yale, Harvard, and Princeton.”

“Why?” She asks, voice constrained.

"Well, they all have equally good law courses and good reputations. So—"

"Don't play dumb, Ben. Why did you apply to Princeton?"

Ben stiffens. "Was I not supposed to?"

Devi scoffs, shaking her head disbelievingly. "You weren't! You're supposed to study law at Yale, I'm supposed to study law at Princeton. That's always how it's meant to be."

"Devi, I'm sorry, but you can't gate keep a university from me like that."

"Okay, well, you didn't see me applying to Yale, huh?"

"I'm sorry! It's just, at the time I thought it wouldn't hurt if I applied. And I didn't think it was going to bother you so much, since we're friends."

She runs a hand through her hair, trying to calm herself down. "Okay, well, you're not going to Princeton, right? Like, it's not even a considerable option for you?"

Ben stills, unsure on what to say. He doesn't want to lie and say yes, yet he's also not sure about what choice is the right one. 

"Honestly," He speaks, quietly. "I don't know."

She sighs, before looking away from him, crossing her arms. She's quiet for a while until she clears her throat, turning back to look at him, but now her gaze is colder. The bus starts to move, and they bounce up and down as it turns a corner.

"I think you're just confused because Yale hasn't accepted you yet. Once that happens, it'll be easier for you to make your decision. Yale’s the dream, right?" 

Ben pales, knowing that's not the truth, but he nods slowly, unwilling to argue. “Yale’s the dream.”

He wants to ask her why it's such a bad thought for her, the idea of them going to the same university and studying the same thing.

But he doesn't.

* * *

“So… your parents. Have you made any progress with them?”

Ben watches as she sets her thermos down on the table, bouncing his leg up and down. “No.”

“You said they were home for an hour or so… you didn’t ask them to stay?”

He shakes his head, shrugging, trying to play it cool. “Nope. I just didn’t get the time to.”

Dr. Ryan sighs, crossing her legs. “Ben. Drop this whole facade. Why didn’t you ask them?”

He deflates and rolls his eyes. “I just couldn’t. I need some time to be honest to them.”

She grimaces, and a line appears between her brows, before she rubs her temples. “Alright. How are your friends?” She asks, eyes boring into his.

“They’re good.” He answers offhandedly.

“Specifics?”

“We have group calls, we hangout together, we eat lunch together.”

“So, you feel less alone now. Correct?”

“Correct,” Ben replies curtly. He’s starting to feel like this is an interrogation of some sort. “But I feel like there’s something missing.”

Her forehead creases in curiosity. “Like what?”

“Something… I don’t know. I’m just confused about something.” He explains, using his hands to express the weird emotions he’s been feeling. It’s a sort of emptiness, the feeling of something remaining as incomplete, but he’s unable to figure out what it is. 

(He knows part of it has to do with his family, because he has yet to be honest to his parents, but he also knows the other half has to do with Devi-)

“About what? Does it have to do with a certain thing? Hobby? Or is it a decision? Or is it about emotions-”

“How does one know they love someone?” He blurts out, and almost immediately cringes once the words are out in the air. 

“I’m- I’m sorry?” She sputters, widening her eyes.

“Sorry, is that a weird question to ask?” He attempts to backtrack, bubbling up with regret.

“Oh no, it’s just,” Dr. Ryan lowers her volume, bringing it to barely a whisper. “Devi asked me the same question.”

He gawks. “She did?”

“You heard that? Dear lord…” Dr. Ryan slaps her forehead, shaking her head. “I can’t tell you what she tells me. It’s a rule. But she’s always asking me things like that, and she’s asked crazier so…” She tuts, clicking her tongue, and Ben bites back another question about what other ridiculous things she’s asked. “Anyways, to answer your question… well, it’s subjective.”

“So then, what do _you_ think love is?”

“Well, love can be platonic, romantic, or between family members. You can also love an inanimate object as well, like a toy, or even fictional characters. So, which way are you talking about?”

Ben swallows dryly. “Like… romantically?”

“Oh. Well,” She then squints at him suspiciously, the corners of her mouth curving up. “Do you have some girl problems?”

“Hey! Focus, Dr. Ryan.” He exclaims defensively, and she laughs wholeheartedly.

“Okay, sorry,” She apologizes, but her tone doesn’t sound very sorry at all. “Well, romantic love is hard to define. Love often involves caring for that person. So, if you love someone, you’ll find yourself worrying about them, noticing when they act awry, or when they’re down.”

He rests his head against the cushiony sofa, letting his eyes flutter shut. “Oh…”

“Here’s the thing. You teenagers are a little too hormonal, and often times you'll mistake lust for love. But lust, which is usually based on attraction, isn’t love. Love goes beyond physical attraction- if you truly love someone, you’ll find yourself able to be vulnerable in front of them. You’ll find little things about them endearing, and you’ll love their personality.”

(When it came to Devi, he was always finding things about her endearing, stupid little things, like the way her eyes bug out when she gets mad, or the way her teeth peek out when she laughs, or the way she drools when she sleeps, just like him-)

“Oh.” He deadpans, again, because he finds himself unable to say anything else.

“Love is a close bond with someone that goes deeper than affection, attraction, lust or friendship. It’s deep and filled with mutual respect, trust, honesty, integrity, intimacy, chemistry, and cooperation. You find it in each other, not separately.”

He lifts his head, opening his eyes. “So… if you can imagine yourself with that person for many more years in the future… what does that mean?”

“Well, depends in which way. I mean, do you imagine your friends in your life, in the future?”

He bites his lip, lost in thought. Yeah, he imagines getting coffee with Fab, El, Eve, and Paxton, he imagines going on road trips with them, he imagines hanging out with them.

But with Devi, although he imagines doing all those things with her, he also imagines waking up next to her every morning, living together, eating dinner together, holding hands as they stroll through parks together.

(He can also imagine kissing her-)

“Of course I do, but this one’s… different?”

She clicks her tongue, grabbing her thermos. “Well, if it has romantic undertones, then it means that you clearly _really_ like the person. If whatever I’ve said before fits, then… I guess you’re in love, my boy.”

He chokes on his spit, coughing nervously as he grabs his jacket and pushes himself onto his feet. Dr. Ryan looks at him with a surprised expession on her face, but she’s smirking, and it’s almost as if she knows what he’s so worked up over.

He has to get out of here. 

“Uh… okay! Wow, time flies so fast, right? Bye, Dr. Ryan!” He chirps a little too excitedly, and makes a beeline for the door.

“But we still have five minutes left-”

He’s out in the main lobby before she can even finish her sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for reading! the finale will be coming out very soon <3


	8. today, i'm someone i wasn't yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I originally thought that if you ever gave me another chance, and listened to me… that I would tell you I meant none of it. But,” He takes a deep breath, feeling his ears and cheeks burn up._
> 
> _“I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, and say that whatever I said on your porch was complete bullshit, because unfortunately… it wasn't. I want to go to Princeton, and I don’t think I’d be as happy at Yale. And...” He pauses, heart beating at such an alarming pace that he’s worried it’ll pop out of his chest._
> 
> _“And what, Ben?” She whispers, stepping closer to him. The orange sky lights up her face, and accentuates her pretty features. It only makes Ben even more nervous._
> 
> _He tilts his head, biting his lip. “I’m in love with you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> *yes im well aware yale has the number one law school in the us and that princeton doesn't even have a law school according to google, but im not american and didn't know that until after writing this lolol. anyways, just pretend like princeton is just as good for aspiring lawyers as much as yale. oops*
> 
> hi wassup im here with another essay :D
> 
> uh, so... so many thoughts. im thinking too many thoughts rn.
> 
> this idea was birthed while i was on my fourth (?) full rerun of nhie, and i thought it was crazy. something i'd never be able to pull off, or even finish. but here we are... at the end of the story. now, i can't say whether i pulled it off per say, but i can say that im proud i finished it, and that i managed to write it from start to end. 
> 
> ben gross is a character that is so interesting to me, because he's flawed, yet so sweet. im used to shows (esp teen shows) portraying characters as either a 100% good or a 100% bad, but nhie really took me by surprise by making these real characters, especially ben and devi, who are, at times, unlikable, but then at other times, you want to hug them and hold them tight bc they're ur babies. my idea with this fic is that i really wanted to see ben interact with these different people, and i want to see his character make amends with them and further develop, bc there is so much potential for him and the relationships he can make.
> 
> as much as this fic was a love letter to ben gross, it was also me secretly proclaiming my love for dr. ryan. i just love that woman. every time she was onscreen, i cherished it. and dr. ryan x ben is a concept that seems very interesting to me hehe. also, it was me showing my love for therapy, bc its very important for anyone who needs help to know they should reach out to someone. (i do wish therapy wasn't as expensive as it is tho, but that's a convo for another day :/)
> 
> i just want to thank everyone who stuck by this fic, and showed it their love. it makes me so wonderfully happy to know that this fic was enjoyed by you guys :D
> 
> PS: like i said earlier, some fic events may not follow canon's timeline. in this chap, i pushed ben's bday to the second half of the school year, when im pretty sure its actually in the first half of the school year although it isn't specified, but oh welppp :P
> 
> PPS: i also hinted at elpax towards the end (sorry oliver) bc its a rarepair i never thought of before i read all the lovely fics on here so... cheers i did it for y'all (although bexton will always be my number one ksksjskj)
> 
> as usual i do not get things beta-ed unless u count my 3 am lazy editor self as a beta reader, so....expect to see grammar mistakes that make u wanna bang ur head against a wall lol 
> 
> i don't know whether ill write another nhie fic soon since the school year is about to start (super sad about that brb lemme go cry once more) but i might drop in with oneshots or maybe (keyword: maybe) even chaptered fics if im feeling confident enough with my poor time management skills. either way, ill still be reading the fics that y'all write and showing my support in the comments :D
> 
> okay. anyways... enjoy <3 :(

Ben sits in his bedroom, alone (like always), sulking while staring at the wall in front of him.

He got into Yale.

He’s always been the type of person to have his entire life planned out. To map things out step-by-step, with a specific destination or goal. He makes goal sheets, he does research on things before making decisions, he creates lists to accomplish things- like his friendship list. 

His phone convulses on his bed, snapping him out of his misery, and he leans over to view the lit up screen. 

**Devi:** _heyyyy :D_

**Devi:** _*picture*_

His fingers zoom across the screen as he types his password, unlocking his phone so that he can view the picture. A simple birthday hat placed on her bed is what she's sent, and it's sort of ominous, the way she doesn't even offer any further explanation to the picture. 

**Ben:** _H_ _uh_

**Devi:** _you'll know when the time comes_

**Devi:** _also_

**Devi:** _did yale get back to you_

He gulps. 

**Ben:** _N_ _ot yet_

The speech bubble pops up and disappears repeatedly, as Devi erases her message, and then retypes it again.

**Devi:** _oh :( that sucks. don't fret 2 much. you'll get in for sure! and when u do, make sure u tell me first hehe ;)_

He switches off his phone, a bitter taste in his mouth. Yes, he feels bad for lying, but he can't tell Devi yet, because he's still unsure about what choice he should make. It's all so baffling- Ben usually knows what decision is the right one. He's _supposed_ to know. But for the first time in forever…

He doesn’t know what to do.

Patty knocks on his door, and he rubs his eyes tiredly. “Come in.”

She walks in hesitantly, a tray in her hand. He lifts his head weakly to look at her, observing the food she has laid out. 

“I made some fettuccine Alfredo pasta… I know it’s your favorite.” She whispers, and Ben’s heart warms at the gesture. He motions for her to sit down on his bed next to him, and she nods, placing the tray on his dresser table before taking a seat. 

“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to leave at six o’clock. You should be at home, with your sons.” He says, looking down at his hands. 

“Well, you didn’t eat this entire day. And you have been unusually quiet… I thought the therapy was helping you, because you are so happy these days. But since you got back from your Model UN trip yesterday… you’ve been awfully quiet.”

He sighs, shaking his head. “It’s nothing. I’m fine, really,” Then, he fakes a smile. “You should go home. Your sons need you.”

Surprisingly, Patty doesn’t budge. Instead, she places a hand over his, squeezing it tightly. “Ben. You are _just_ as much of a son to me as those two are,” She says, earnestly, and Ben widens his eyes at her words.

“I care about you. I’ve watched you grow up into the sweet, intelligent young man you are today. So now, will you tell me what’s wrong?”

He bites his lip, overwhelmed with emotion. He's always boasted about meeting celebrities, or his expensive clothes, but for him, Patty is the biggest gift his parents' have given him. So, he wraps his arms around her neck, holding her close. She responds immediately, rubbing his back comfortingly. He hopes that’ll be enough to let her know how much she means to him.

“I’m confused,” Ben admits, pulling back. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s all… confusing.”

Patty smiles softly. “What choice do you need help with making?”

He pauses to think. “Okay, so, imagine this. You get two choices; one is something that has great benefits! But the other one has the same benefits as well. So, both are equally good for the thing you need to do.”

She blinks in confusion, but motions for him to go on, still listening intently.

“Here’s the thing. The first choice is something you’ve dreamt of your whole life. It’s like you’re programmed to want it, cause it’s all you’ve ever thought of. But the second one, has something that you won’t find in the first. And that something, is something that you didn’t think would matter to you before, but now it does.”

“Okay, I’m going to be honest, I don’t get what you’re saying,” She admits, and Ben sighs in defeat. “But… even if the first choice is something you’ve been chasing your whole life, it depends on the something that you’re talking about- the something that you can only get with the second choice. Is that 'something' worth it?”

He stills, lost in his thoughts. Yale, his first choice, has courses that are great, but Princeton has an equally good rapport. Both of the universities are equivalently good, if secondary, personal factors are disqualified. But those secondary factors are the ones making his decision difficult.

He’s been chasing Yale since he was a kid, and it’s his dream university. But Princeton has something that Yale doesn’t have, and it’s someone. Someone specific.

It has Devi. She’s the something that Princeton has.

Is she worth it? Is Devi worth it?

He wants to stay by her side in future years, taking the same courses and becoming lawyers together. He wants to graduate with her for a second time after high school. He doesn’t want to be lonely at Yale, and he doesn't want high school to be it for them.

He doesn’t want to lose her, or his chances with her. He wants a future with her. 

And then it hits him. 

He doesn’t just like her, or as Eleanor would say, _like her,_ like her. 

He _loves_ her.

“So? Is it worth it? Does it matter to you enough?”

Ben swallows dryly. “Yes,” He answers, shakily. “I think it does.”

Patty grins, cupping his cheek. “Then there is your answer, dear. Choose the second.”

_Choose Princeton._

Standing up suddenly, he grabs a nearby sweater and wears it hurriedly, stuffing his phone into a random pocket. “Thank you, Patty!” He chirps, before running out the door, down the stairs, and out the front entrance of his house.

He needs to tell her.

It’s raining, but he doesn’t let that get in the way. Instead, he relishes the way the droplets land on his skin, soaking his clothes and making him all sticky. He doesn’t mind- it only gives him more adrenaline, more of a push to get this done.

He runs, runs, runs, down the sidewalks under yellow streetlights. He has the route to her house practically memorized.

It’s crazy, the way he’s willing to run twenty minutes in pouring rain just to let her know of his decision. But those minutes pass by quickly, and before he knows it, he’s standing in front of her doorway, and ringing her doorbell.

Nalini answers the door, and takes in a drenched Ben in his pajamas on her porch at the late hour of 9 pm, before stepping away. “Devi, it’s for you!” She yells, still looking at the boy concernedly.

Devi arrives, and she waits for her Mom to go back upstairs before leaning against the door frame, arms crossed. “Ben? What’s up?” She asks, but her demeanor is a little more constrained than usual. It’s the aftermath of the kiss and the awkward bus ride, he knows. 

He wonders whether things will only get worse after he tells her.

“So… I got into Yale.” He says, still panting.

Her expression goes from shock, to disappointment, to joy, to plain unreadable in a matter of a second. “That’s- that’s great news. I’m happy for you.” She congratulates, smiling softly.

He grimaces at her smile, starting to regret coming here. “I’m sorry,” He blurts out, and she furrows her eyebrows. 

“You’re sorry?”

He nods. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

He sighs, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Yale has been my dream since forever. But both universities have equally good courses, and if we go into specifics, they both have great law courses. You clearly know that, since you want to do law as well.”

She squints her eyes, in confusion. “Wait, I’m not following, why are you apologi-”

“I’m going to Princeton.”

Devi’s expression hardens, and any softness in her gaze is gone. “What did you just say?” She asks, voice small and quiet.

“I’m going to Princeton,” He repeats, fiddling with his fingers nervously. “I know, we had a childhood pact that we were going to go to different universities, but that was when we couldn’t stand each other. Like I said, in terms of my future, I have an equal chance of getting good job opportunities if I graduate from either. It doesn’t matter. But Princeton just has something that Yale doesn’t, and that something… that something matters. It matters a _fuck ton_ to me. I don’t know why, or in what way yet, but… it matters.”

“What matters? What’s this thing? What’s so important to you that you’re breaking our pact for?” She asks, cheeks flushed red.

He bites his bottom lip, staring into her eyes. “Devi,” He breathes out. “You know what it is.”

She’s frozen for a second, but then the realization dawns on her. Ben can’t figure out what she’s feeling, or what she’s thinking- she looks down at his chest, avoiding eye contact, her gaze foggy. 

“I... I don’t know what to say,” She sputters, and then takes a step backwards. He looks at her, hopefully, when she raises her head to acknowledge him coldly. Her eyes are glossy and tear brimmed, and it makes his heart shatter. He's not getting a good feeling from this.

“Goodbye, Ben.” She says, in an apologetic tone, before shutting the door on him. 

He stands there dumbly, wet strands of hair stuck to his forehead, his feet glued to the porch, and naively stares at the colored door, waiting patiently. But then, he realizes, realizes what she means, and everything in him shrivels up. 

She said goodbye, and she meant it.

Ben hovers a finger over the doorbell, but then he takes it back, shoving his hand into his pocket as he stumbles backwards, walking off her porch and onto the lawn. 

He runs, runs, runs, except this time, he’s running the other way. He’s running _back._

He doesn’t know what he feels. He doesn't know what _to_ feel. He doesn’t know if he’s sad at her cold reaction, or if he’s angry at the fact that she, simply put, doesn’t care. 

The kisses they shared doesn’t matter to her.

The deep conversations they had doesn’t matter to her.

The feelings they might, possibly have, doesn’t matter to her.

But over anything, over anything romantic… he’s more hurt that the friendship they have, or had, doesn’t matter to her.

He feels stupid for ever thinking that she’d welcome him with open arms. He's unaware of why she hates the idea of them going to the same university. The way she finds it so obviously _repulsive_ upsets him, it shatters his soul, but over everything… it confuses him.

When she tells him things she’s never told others before, when she laughs with him, when she does kind gestures for him, when she _kisses_ him… he thinks that maybe, she also has something, some real feelings deep down for him.

But then, when she runs away, _every fucking time_ , and pretends like it never happened… he realizes that she doesn’t. That he’s stupid for ever believing anything else.

And maybe she’s right to treat these things as blips. Maybe he doesn’t _like her,_ like her. What if he’s such a lonely freak that the minute someone he finds remotely attractive is friendly to him, he mistakes it for something more?

What if they have nothing between them, no feelings for one another, and now he’s successfully gone and ruined their friendship, something way more important to him than any of this, yet again?

(It's a repeat of Malibu, and now, they're back to square one-)

When Ben reaches his house, he hovers his hand over the doorknob, but then his phone buzzes.

“Hello?” He mutters after pulling it out, and three sighs of relief come synchronously from the other side of the line. 

_“Ben,”_ Fabiola says. _“Devi keeps on rejecting our calls. Can you try calling her?”_

He winces. 

_“I just don’t get it,”_ He hears Eleanor mutter in the background. _“She was fine when she said she’s up for a group meeting an hour ago. She was supposed to show up ten minutes ago, but she's still not here, and now she’s rejecting our calls?”_

Hold up. Group meeting?

“What’s the meeting for?” He asks, suspiciously. 

He hears shuffling, and some murmuring about _shutting up._

_“It’s nothing. Just a casual hangout session with Friends and Co.”_ Eleanor responds, sounding very unconvincing.

“Why did I not get a memo?”

_“Well…”_ Eleanor starts, but then he hears some muffled words before Eve laughs nervously. _“We can’t tell you.”_ She says, but it just upsets Ben even more. 

He knows he’s acting irrational, that it’s probably nothing, but he can't help but question his friendship with everyone, and what he means to everyone. He’s never felt more undeserving of friends, or people who care about him more than now, in this very moment. And after Devi’s rejection...

“Why? Am I not enough of a friend to you guys? Am I not enough?”

Fabiola sighs. _“Ben, what are you talking about? It’s not that ser-”_

“Really? Then why are you guys stuttering so much? What are you hiding from me?” His voice gets increasingly louder with each question, and his eyes start to sting.

_“Okay, what’s going on? First Devi acts all weird, and now you?”_

He closes his eyes, trying to push away his irrational anger, but Devi is all he can envision.

_Goodbye, Ben._ She’d rejected him so coldly, yet surely, and it made Ben feel so _disposable._ As if he meant nothing to her the entire time. 

Maybe Eve, Fabiola and Eleanor think of him the same way too. As disposable.

“Continue on with your _friendship meeting,_ or whatever. Have fun!” He exclaims sarcastically, before cutting the call.

When he yanks the front door of his house open, someone unexpected is sitting at the kitchen counter, devouring the pasta Patty had made for him. “Ben? Why are you wet? Did you forget to take an umbrella?”

“Dad?” He asks, and pinches his arm, wondering if he’s dreaming. “You’re… you’re home? Eating dinner?”

Howard raises an eyebrow confusedly. “Yeah. Did you have dinner yet?”

Ben shuts the door behind him, peeling off his wet sweater. “Yes.” He lies curtly, a little overwhelmed. His father sets down his fork, shaking his head. “Patty told me you haven’t eaten before she left. Your food is still in your room.”

He gulps. “Oh, okay.” He goes to run up the stairs, because he's not in the mood to talk, but Howard calls out his name. 

“Wait, Ben. Where were you?”

“I was at a friend’s house,” He replies, biting his lip as Devi’s cold expression flashes through his mind. “I forgot to take an umbrella.”

Howard nods, and continues eating his food. 

“Dad… where’s Mom?”

“She’s in Morocco, on some resort trip with the girls.”

He eyeballs his father, walking up to the kitchen counter. “Without you?”

Howard’s eyes flicker down to his food, and he clears his throat. “Uh… I’m leaving tomorrow morning for the resort.”

The taste in Ben’s mouth turns bitter, as he realizes that, once again, all hopes of his parents actually staying with him have perished. Is he just temporary for everyone in his life? Does he not matter to anyone? 

“Of course,” He mutters sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “Of course you’re leaving.”

His father catches on to the sudden tone change, and stiffens. “Is something wrong?”

Ben scoffs. Is something wrong? 

Everything’s wrong, and that’s the problem. 

“Do you not care for me? Do you not _love_ me?” He asks, voice breaking, as he blinks away tears. Howard gets up from his chair and nears Ben, cautiously, as if he’s afraid his son will shatter into a million pieces if he says anything wrong. 

“Of course I love you, Ben. You’re my favorite son.” He reasons, and at this, Ben laughs dryly, backing away. 

“Favorite son?” He grips the front of his own wet shirt, trying to calm down his breathing, but a tear comes spilling out, and the rest follow in an unbreakable stream. “I’m your only son!” He screams, in between hiccups, and his father widens his eyes, unsure on what to do. 

“Ben, I...”

“My entire life, I’ve tried to get your attention. To get… to get Mom’s attention. But nothing has ever worked!” He lashes out, pointing a finger at the man accusingly. “You two have made no effort to come to my competitions, or science fairs, or even my own birthday parties! I’ve tried my best at school, fought and studied my way to number one, even created a rivalry with the smartest person in my class along the way…” Ben wipes his tears aggressively, but no matter how much he tries to get them off his cheeks, they reappear, again and again. 

“I did all this shit to try and prove to you guys that I’m something _spectacular,_ something worth your attention,” He lifts his head weakly, regarding his father, who’s frozen in place. “But I’m not. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try, I will never be worth your attention. You’ll never stay home for me, or skip resorts for me, or put me above your work. And it’s not your fault, it’s mine. Because I’m not worth enough.”

“Ben, no…” Howard whispers, forehead crinkled in confusion. 

“It’s my fault, I know. I just wish I was a good enough son for you two, so that you would cancel trips for me, so that you’d play video games with me, so that…” He breathes in shakily. “So that you’d ask me about my _therapy,_ and wonder how it’s going, rather than worrying more about our reputation being ruined and the fact that I’m depressed going out to the world.”

He gasps, looking at Ben guiltily. 

“I’m just fucking _lonely,_ okay? I’m fucking lonely! And I know that makes me selfish, greedy, because I live in a big ass mansion, get rich clothes, I get signed posters from your celebrity clients and I get to brag about how rich I am, but at the end of the day, I come home to an empty house, an empty pool. I’m _alone,_ ” Ben feels his knees give out, and he lands on the ground, sobbing ferociously. 

“I’m alone, I’m alone, I’m alone,” He mumbles repeatedly in his palms, rocking back and forth on the floor. Ben lifts his head, observing the way his father is standing in shock, fear laced in his eyes, and he sobs even harder. “And now you probably hate me… oh god. I’ve chased everyone away… my friends, Devi, and now… you.”

He buries his face into his palms once again, shivering at how empty and lonely he feels. 

Then, he feels a hand circle around him, enveloping him into a warm hug, and he lets himself unravel in his father’s comforting embrace. 

“Ben, none of that is true,” He says, while cupping his cheek, as his son cries into his chest. “I love you. Your friends love you. Your parents love you… I’m sorry for not being a good father. I know we haven’t given you any time, or paid attention to you… I always thought money was enough, that that was all you wanted, but son, I had _no_ idea.”

Ben grips onto his Dad’s sweater, scrunching the fabric as he clenches his hand into a fist. “I’m sorry, Dad. I love you, and Mom. I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize. I’ll do better,” He promises, and Ben raises his head, locking his glossy blue eyes with his father’s. “We’ll do better. Vivian and I will do _better,_ for you. Because you’re worth it, okay? You’re our sweet son.”

He’s heard a bunch of bullshit spewed from his parents' mouths before, but the genuineness of his father’s words right at this moment is unmistakably _real._ He can tell his father means what he’s saying, and is showing genuine guilt. 

So, he lets his eyes flutter shut while his father holds him, hoping this moment between them will never pass.

* * *

It’s been a tough week. 

It’s sort of become a routine- Ben showing up to school, not talking to any of his friends, passing by their table during lunch and finding a random corridor to eat in. 

It's not like he doesn't try making amends. He tried calling Devi the day after everything had blown up into his face, three times, and she declined everytime, eventually blocking his number. 

During lunch, he always passes by their lunch table, and has the urge to join them when the rest of their friends motion for him to come sit, but then he notices the way Devi keeps her eyes glued to the table, and figures that he doesn’t belong there anymore.

Maybe he’s meant to be alone. Maybe this whole friendship thing was a mistake. It’s just not his thing.

He's grown up believing that friendship is more of a luxury than necessity, and for the past few months, he was convinced that he was wrong, but maybe he had the right idea all along.

Unfortunately, Ben's gotten accustomed to having people around him, so getting thrown into this whole routine of being alone again feels like whiplash.

The one good thing in his life, however, is that his father and mother have started staying at home more. Although they still spend a lot of time away from home, they cancelled resort plans for the first time, just to spend time with Ben. 

It’s near the end of first period on Friday morning, when Eve switches with the boy who usually sits beside him.

“Ben,” She says, in an attempt to get his attention, but he stares at the board silently. 

“Ben.” She repeats, this time more firmer. Then, she sighs, and Ben thinks she’s given up, but she extends her closed fist out in front of him, and then unravels her fingers to reveal what she has inside. 

The inside of her palm holds a tiny box with a _brisket_ inside, and he takes it from her reluctantly, suppressing a warm smile. Eve smirks knowingly. “We miss you. Why don’t you sit with us anymore? And you’re so MIA over text…”

Ben sighs, stuffing the box inside his backpack. “I think I make things uncomfortable for you guys. Your friend group is better off without me.”

“What? Ben, that’s- that’s not true!” She sputters. 

“Eve, it’s fine. You don’t need to lie. That meeting with everyone except me… it’s not the first time, right? That you guys have hung out without me?”

She shakes her head slowly. “No, it’s not the first time, but you’re misunderstanding-”

“Then that’s all I need to know. I’m not mad at you guys. I wouldn’t want to be friends with me too.” He mutters, and the bell rings, which Ben takes as an opportunity to leave as fast as he arrived.

In second period, Devi sits quietly at her desk behind him, and he does too. They make no effort to talk to each other. 

He misses her whispering in his ear, them bickering over class questions, them laughing at the teacher’s ridiculous antics. 

He misses being friends with her. 

“So, can anyone tell me what the difference between permutations and combinations is?” Mr. Young asks, but no one dares to raise their hand. 

He scans over the room, and then his gaze lands on Ben, and flickers to Devi who’s sitting behind him. “Devi? Ben?”

They both shrug, shaking their heads. “I don’t know,” Ben lies, and goes back to wallowing. Devi doesn’t even bother saying anything. 

“What happened to you two? You were my best students… when I told you guys to quiet down I didn’t mean completely! Your bickering was annoying but at least someone was participating in class.” He mutters, rubbing the temples of his forehead tiredly. “Okay, Ben, what is permutation?”

He groans. “Permutation is arrangement with order. For example, it matters if you choose red before blue from a pocket of colored beads where you are told to choose one red and one blue.” 

Mr. Young nods, satisfied. “Devi, what is combination?”

“Combination is arrangement without order. So, it doesn’t matter whether you choose red before blue or blue before red, as long as you just pick one red and one blue. In other words, combination is permutation with overlaps of the same combination excluded.” She answers, robotically, and Ben notices it’s the same definition he has on his handmade flashcards. 

Great. Now he’s missing their study sessions.

When the period ends, he looks back for a second at Devi, and she meets his eyes with hers, swallowing nervously, before walking out the door. 

“Devi,” Ben calls out her name for the first time in days, and she stops in her tracks, her back faced towards him. “Do you hate me?”

She grips her backpack strap tighter.

"When I kissed you in the hotel room... why did you kiss me back, if you didn't like me at all? We weren't drunk."

She spares him a glance but not an answer to his questions, before treading away. 

During lunch, he sits in the library, completing his math homework for the day early, when someone slams their hand on the table, jolting him. 

He lifts his head up, and takes in a very frustrated Eleanor glaring at him. “Communication- every relationship’s kryptonite. If one cannot talk to the other about what they’re feeling, then the relationship will break apart.”

Ben drags his palm across the side of his face, groaning. “What is this about?”

“When I was having some troubles with Oliver, you told me to just tell him how I feel. And guess what? I ended up taking your advice.”

“And what? My advice was terrible, right? It didn’t work? Direct communication is _not_ the solution?”

She sits down on the chair in front of him, shaking her head feverishly. “No, Ben. Your advice saved my relationship! Direct communication is a beautiful thing. You should always be honest with someone, whether it’s a family member, or a friend, or a lover.”

Ben sighs tiredly. He tried telling Devi what he felt upfront, he tried being transparent with her about his university choice, but it only backfired in the end. 

“Well, I guess it only works sometimes.”

“No, it works like, all the time. And right now, I need you to be honest with me. Honest with us,” She leans forward, looking into his eyes pitifully. “I need you to tell us why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. I know this whole _'_ _you didn’t invite me to your hangout session'_ thing is an excuse for something deeper.”

“Okay, well, why won’t you guys tell me what that hangout was for?”

Eleanor thins her lips. “I can’t tell you… but it’s not what you think-”

“Eleanor,” His tone is pleading now, as he shuts his textbook. “Please. Be honest with me. I don’t deserve to be your friend. I don’t belong… and, you guys are better off without me. You don’t have to pretend to like me.”

She looks at him incredulously, her face crinkled in confusion. “None of us are _pretending,_ Ben. Please,” She covers his hand with hers. “Tell us what’s wrong. Stop pushing us away. Direct communication is key, right? Practice what you preach.”

The bell rings, and he stands up abruptly, tucking his textbook underneath his arm as he musters a sad smile. “Have a good afternoon, Eleanor.” He says, before trailing off.

It hurts, but he thinks it’s for the best. He doesn’t want to risk any chance of getting more hurt in the future.

Last period is a drag, and he spends most of the class trying not to doze off in the workshop while typing in his code. He presses enter, and stares at his robot expectantly, but it doesn’t move, and he grumbles curse words under his breath, resisting the urge to smash his machine to pieces. 

“Ben. Your code is wrong.” 

He turns around to see Fabiola, and rolls his eyes. “Yes, thank you for telling me the obvious. I know I’m not good at coding. Don’t make fun of me.”

She nears his computer, and scrolls through the typed code, adding some things. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m offering to _help_ you,” She says, and Ben squints. 

“Why?”

“We’re friends, are we not?” She replies, so nonchalantly that it makes every part of Ben's heart beat and shatter at the same time. 

“Okay. I don’t know why you three have been trying to talk to me today, but, let it go. I know I make things awkward. I’m not a good friend. So you don’t have to pretend like I am one.”

She glares at him, crossing her arms. “Okay, we all know something about this has to do with Devi, and the other has to do with us having that hangout session without you. The former, well, we’ll leave that for last, but the latter, we can actually explain to you. It’s a complete misunderstanding, Ben.”

“Fab,” He pauses at the nickname habitually slipping from his lips, rushing to correct himself. “Fabiola. You’re a nice person. I wish you all the best for your future.” He says, in an attempt to bid adieu, but before he can turn away, she grabs his arm, yanking him back.

“We’ll be waiting for your over-dramatic ass after school at the park nearby, the one we hang out often in. I’ll be expecting you there.” She says, boring her eyes into his, before walking away. 

Ben’s eyes flicker to his computer screen, and the corners of his mouth tug up at the now fixed code. 

He knows going is a bad idea…

But they deserve to at least have him show up.

* * *

Ben arrives at the park after twenty minutes of arguing with himself, his backpack slung over his shoulder, and his textbooks in his hand. The first thing he notices is that Devi isn't there.

The three sigh in relief from where they’re sitting at the bench, probably at seeing him actually here. 

“Ben,” Fabiola says, grinning. “I knew you’d come.”

He stands awkwardly. “Five minutes max. I promised Patty I’d bake a cake with her.”

Eleanor sighs, smoothing out her colorful skirt. “We didn’t want to have to tell you this, but-”

Ben bites his lip, bracing for something upsetting. Maybe, _we can’t be friends anymore,_ or, _we don’t like you._

“We’ve had multiple hangout seshes without you because we were planning a surprise party for you.” 

He gapes. “What?”

Eve leans against the tree, biting through her apple. “We’ve been planning your surprise birthday party for three weeks now,” She explains. “Me, Fab, El, and Devi, but she didn’t show up this week. She was supposed to show us the birthday hat she designed specifically for you. She wasn't picking up, so that’s why we called you.”

He thinks back to the picture she sent him right before he'd shown up at her doorstep- it was a birthday hat, and she refused to tell him what it was for.

“Yeah, Ben. Trust us. We have no reason to lie to you! We just wanted to show you how grateful we are that you decided to open up to us and become our friends.” Fabiola says, and she walks over to where the boy’s standing.

He scoffs in bewilderment, feeling extremely stupid. He’d overreacted and ruined what could have possibly been the best surprise of his life…

“Please believe us,” Fabiola pleads, and Ben nods, his eyes stinging from hearing their kind intentions. He wraps his arms around Fabiola, hugging her tightly, and hears the other girls squeal as they join them. 

They stay in a group hug for seconds, and then minutes, before separating. Ben sighs, feeling like one weight is lifted off of his chest. “Guys,” He begins in an apologetic tone. “I’m so sorry. I totally overreacted, and I ended up ruining this awesome surprise thing you guys have been working hard on.”

“Hey,” Eleanor says, patting his shoulder comfortingly. “Don’t worry. It’s alright. We knew something else was bothering you.”

“Speaking of that something else,” Eve speaks, raising an eyebrow. “What happened between you and Devi?”

His face immediately fires up at the mention of her name, and he shakes his head. “What? Nothing- nothing happened.”

“Really?” Fabiola asks, unconvinced. “You guys totally got into a fight the day we called you. I mean, she went completely MIA that evening, and this entire week you guys haven't been talking.”

“And she always goes completely silent whenever we talk about you, especially when we were wondering why you weren't sitting with us. It clearly has something to do with her.” Eleanor adds, stealing the apple from Eve's hands. 

“It’s…” He freezes, deciding against lying for once. “Yeah, you guys are right.” 

“As always,” Eleanor scoffs, and Fabiola jabs her elbow into her arm, taking the apple back. “Anyways, what happened?”

“It’s- it’s kind of a long story?” He leans against the bench, dropping his backpack on the grass. Where does he start?

“So, you know how we made that promise to one another when we were kids? That she would go to Princeton, I would go to Yale, and that we’d never see each other for the rest of our lives?”

Eleanor and Fabiola nod, while Eve pretends to understand.

“Well, I enrolled into Princeton. And I got in.”

The drama fanatic gasps, covering her hands with her mouth. Fabiola's forehead creases. “What about Yale?”

“I got into Yale too,” He says, and Eleanor deflates in disappointment. “But I’ve decided to go to Princeton.” 

At this, Eleanor squeals in excitement, bouncing up and down as she shakes Ben by the shoulders. “You two are going to the same university! How romantic!”

He yanks her off him, grimacing. “Well, I don’t know if I should go to Princeton anymore. Especially after Devi’s reaction.”

_Goodbye, Ben,_ she'd said, with such ease, that it makes Ben think that it would be better if he just goes to Yale and saves himself four extra years of heartbreak.

“What was her reaction?”

“Not good. She slammed the door on my face.”

Fabiola slaps her forehead, groaning. “Did you say anything else that might have pissed her off?”

He thinks back to how he’d basically insinuated that he had feelings for her, but she’d reacted in such a harsh way that made it clear to Ben that she _didn’t_ like him. That he was stupid for thinking the kisses meant anything. That he was stupid for thinking their deep conversations meant anything. 

“Nothing else,” He sputters, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I just miss her.” 

Eleanor looks at him slyly, and Eve makes kissy faces. “You totally like her,” Eleanor teases, wiggling her eyebrows, and Fabiola throws the half-eaten apple at the dramatic one. “Real mature, El.” 

“Notice how he hasn’t denied it, though,” She says cheekily, throwing an arm around his shoulder. “You have feelings for Devi, don’t you?”

He doesn’t bother answering that question, and glares at her instead. “Whatever. I just wish I could talk to her, make things right again. I just miss talking to her.”

“Hey, maybe we could help.” Fabiola suggests. 

“Yeah! Okay, choose a place you’d like to talk to her at.” Eleanor says.

Ben knows whatever his friends are planning won’t work, but he plays along anyways, thinking he owes them for the way he’d treated them this past week. “Malibu.” He answers, without a second doubt.

(Malibu is special to them, for many reasons-)

“Okay, well, make sure you’re there by five today. Leave the rest up to us.”

Ben scoffs. “Guys, you can’t be serious-”

Eleanor points her finger in his face, resembling an angry poodle. “Listen up, Mister. You better have a three page long proclamation of love and apology memorized in your head before you get there. Alright?”

He widens his eyes, cheeks crimson. “El, what are you-” 

“Shh, just trust me,” She assures, and her gaze softens. “Be there.”

* * *

Ben arrives at exactly five o'clock, and makes his way down to the sandy beach, wincing at the rough sand particles somehow making their way inside his shoes and gathering under the soles of his feet. 

He eventually sits down in crisscross position, watching the sun slowly dissolve into the water.

“Ben? What the hell are you doing here?”

He turns around, still seated, as he takes in a very exasperated Devi. The first thing he notices is that she’s wearing his jacket- the one he’d given her (or she'd stolen) on the day of their movie outing.

He doesn't quite know what to think of that.

“I… uh… what are _you_ doing here?”

Devi heaves, still tired from all the running. “Fab and El told me they needed me here ASAP,” She crinkles her eyebrows in confusion, and then it clicks. “You…” She lifts a finger at him, a little accusingly. 

“Look, I don’t know what they told you but-”

“You told them to bring me here so you could talk to me?!” She shrieks, angrily. 

He winces. “Why are you yelling?”

“Because I thought someone died, Gross! That’s how panicked El sounded when she told me to get here!”

He groans, shaking his head. “Well, she _is_ a good actress.”

Devi tosses her hair over her shoulder, still furious. “I’m leaving.” 

She swivels around, almost losing her balance, and Ben watches her take steps away from him. She’s running away, yet again.

It’s what she’s always done. It’s what they’ve always done. She’s always run away, and he’s always let her slip from his hold. Watched her take steps in the opposite direction.

He can’t afford to make that same mistake again. He can’t let her just walk away.

“Devi! Wait!” He yells, and he considers standing up, but finds himself unable to muster enough strength to push his weight onto his feet. 

For a second, he’s convinced she’s going to ignore him, but then she stops.

“Listen. I know, I shouldn’t have enrolled in Princeton. And I shouldn’t have even _thought_ about going to Princeton. But I promise, I’m not following you. Academically, Yale and Princeton are both equally good choices. But I thought…” He finds his mouth go dry, as he struggles to find the right words. 

“I thought I’d enjoy it more at Princeton, because _you’d_ be there.”

She slowly turns back around to face him, her hands still glued to her side. 

“I know, I know, I know. I’m an idiot for showing up at your doorstep all drenched from the rain, and bombarding you with all that overwhelming information. It was dumb to tell you that I was going to choose Princeton, and that you mean… a whole lot more to me than is comfortable for us, all at the same time.”

As he studies her solemn expression, he ponders on telling her that none of those things are true, that he doesn’t like her that way, that he'll be happy going to Yale, but her eyes are begging him for the truth. And frankly, he doesn’t know whether this will be the last time he’ll ever talk to her, so he has to be honest.

After all, isn’t direct communication the solution to everything?

“I originally thought that if you ever gave me another chance, and listened to me… that I would tell you I meant none of it. But,” He takes a deep breath, feeling his ears and cheeks burn up. 

“I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, and say that whatever I said on your porch was complete bullshit, because unfortunately… it’s not. I _want_ to go to Princeton, and I don’t think I’d be as happy at Yale. And...” He pauses, heart beating at such an alarming pace that he’s worried it’ll pop out of his chest. 

“And what, Ben?” She whispers, stepping closer to him. The orange sky lights up her face, and accentuates her pretty features. It only makes Ben even more nervous.

He tilts his head, biting his lip. “I’m in love with you.”

She widens her eyes. “I-”

“I know! It’s shocking, and weird, and your reaction on the porch, and the way your eyes are bugging out now, is enough to tell me that you don’t love me back. But I meant what I said on the porch. The something that Princeton has that Yale doesn’t is _you._ And I’d really, _really_ like to spend more years of my life getting a degree in law with you, Devi.”

She purses her lips, a red tint creeping up her cheeks. “You love me… for real?”

He swallows nervously. “Yes.”

She stares at him with her mouth slightly agape, and Ben sighs, turning back around to face the ocean. _The sunset is beautiful,_ he thinks. A little too beautiful for the absolutely devastating moment he’s living in right now. 

“It’s fine, Devi. I know it’s crazy. And I know I’ve made things weird, but, I need to be honest with you. I have feelings for you. But that’s not the reason I wanted to talk to you,” He says, still looking straight ahead. “I wanted to talk to you, to tell you that I miss you.”

“You miss me?” He hears her ask from behind, and her voice sounds closer now.

“Yeah,” He nods. “I miss talking to you. I miss making fun of Dr. Young together. I miss studying with you. I miss competing with you. I miss making stupid bets and pacts with you. I miss going to parties with you. I just miss… you.”

Silence.

“And above all these feelings, this weird romantic stuff… I need your friendship. I need you in my life, no matter in what way. You’re the only one on my level, you’re like my equal. Talking to you is never boring. And don’t get me wrong, I love all our friends but… I miss being _your_ friend. I miss you being my friend, because-” He feels his voice quivering a little, and he bites his tongue to prevent himself from crying. 

“You were a fucking good one. In sophomore year, and this year. Being friends with you made me happy.” Ben continues.

He doesn’t hear anything in reply, and so he assumes that she’s already left, not bothering to look back. 

Then, he feels someone grab his hand, and intertwine their fingers with his. 

“I like being friends with you too,” Devi says, while taking a seat beside him, dusting the sand off her pants. “I miss you too. I miss doing all the things you said too… sorry, I can’t go into specifics. There are too many.” She jokes, and the playful tone of her voice is so shocking that he chokes out a laugh. 

“So, we can still be friends?” Ben asks, hopeful. 

“I'm afraid not,” She starts, and he wilts like a dying flower, but then she squeezes his hand. “Here’s why. I slammed the door on your face because I was scared.”

“Scared? Scared of what?”

“Scared of- of _so_ many things. You know how much I hate change, right? And the reason why I was so worried about you going to Princeton with me was because I didn’t know if I could handle seeing you for more years of my life, because then I wouldn’t be able to move on.”

Ben blinks in confusion. “Move on?”

She nods. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m so push and pull. Why I kiss you one day and then pretend like it never happened the next, but it’s because I was scared to lose you. Because, I’m afraid of us getting together, and then something wrong happening, and then not being in each other’s lives anymore. I mean, look at me and Paxton-”

“Paxton and I,” Ben habitually corrects, and she smacks his shoulder. 

“Paxton and I aren’t that close anymore. And that’s alright. Our relationship was good for whatever time it lasted. But I can’t afford to lose you like that, Ben. I need you in my life. You’re my constant, whether it’s as my rival or my friend, and if you’re suddenly not there anymore, or if you suddenly don’t want to be with me anymore, I’m fucked. My life is over.”

He smiles at her pitifully, gliding his thumb over the back of her hand. “You do know that I’d never leave you, right? I’ll always be in your life, no matter what happens.”

Her lower lip trembles, as her eyes bore into his. “Promise?”

“I’m not the type to run, David. I promise.”

Just then, her expression morphs into guilt. “I'm so sorry for hurting you again and again. I guess _I'm_ the type to run,” She admits. “But now, I don’t think I have to run anymore. I don’t think I should.”

He perks up, squeezing her hand. “What do you mean?”

“I love you, Ben, and that’s why we still can’t be friends. Because I want us to be something _more._ ” She confesses rapidly, as if she’s trying to get it out of her system before she can rethink anything. 

He gawks, still a little stunned at her words. 

Now, instead of _'_ _goodbye Ben'... 'I love you, Ben'_ repeats on and on in his mind, like a mantra of some sort, as it sinks deep in to his system. 

_I love you, Ben._

_I love you, Ben._

_I love you, Ben._

She loves him. _Holy shit._ Devi Vishwakumar _actually_ loves him back.

“You love me,” He repeats disbelievingly, and she nods, before he knocks the breath right out of her lungs, holding her in a tight embrace.

“Wait, so,” She mumbles into his chest, snuggling in closer. “What do I call you now?”

He crinkles his brows in confusion. “Huh?”

“Like, now that we’re dating,” She pulls her head away, peering up at him with a curious pout. “Do we switch our nicknames for each other with things like _baby,_ or _babe?_ ”

Ben suppresses an amused grin, shaking his head in bewilderment. Classic Devi. “You're unbelievable... chill! It hasn’t even been five minutes since we’ve officially gotten together-”

She pokes his chest expectantly, groaning. “Answer the question! It’s important.”

“I’ll call you babe, but only sometimes. I’m never switching out David for anything. It’s too good.”

“Sounds good, Gross.”

“You mean babe?” He teases, a sly smirk on his face.

She crinkles her nose in disgust, but her mouth curves into a contradictory smile. “Ew, that’s enough.”

“Does this mean we’re going to prom together next month?” Ben asks.

“Unfortunately,” She responds sarcastically, and Ben pinches her cheek with his free hand, laughing as Devi fights against his hold. His eyes land on his- well, now _her_ beige jacket. 

“Is my jacket warm?”

“Yeah,” She mumbles, and rests her head against his shoulder, their hands still intertwined. “Now that we’re dating, you’re legally obliged to give me more. I’d like your Acapella hoodie next.”

Ben snorts. “Exposing yourself as a gold digger, I see?”

“Please, I wouldn’t settle for you out of all the rich men in the world.” She jokes, but by the way she’s looking up at him with love laced in her eyes, he knows she’s bluffing.

“Really? I thought you told me minutes ago that you loved me.”

“I do,” She says. “I’m in love with you. Like, an embarrassing amount. And it took me years to come to terms with it.”

Ben feels his heart soar. He doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of hearing those words from her mouth, because it’s just more confirmation that she loves him. She fucking loves him.

“I love you too.” He replies, bumping her nose with his. The sun is now completely gone, an orange sky now turned to dark blue, filled with an infinite amount of stars and galaxies, and it reminds Ben of the day on Oliver's terrace. 

That day, he never imagined sitting here with Devi, tracing patterns on her soft palm and murmuring _I love you’s_ to one another as they watched the sun sink down into the ocean.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” He asks.

“Not now,” She answers, and her eyes flutter shut as she makes herself more comfortable on his shoulder. “Let’s stay here for a little longer.”

* * *

Graduation is everything Ben imagined, and more.

Both him and Devi give their speech as joint valedictorians, and judging by the overly enthusiastic reactions from everyone in the crowd, and the teachers’ various compliments, he assumes they did well.

Once Principal Grubbs finishes her speech, the seniors all separate as they find their old teachers, and group together with their friends, hugging them and crying over graduating, while others make their plans for a wild summer trip to have some fun before they leave for university. 

Ben fixes his cap so that it’s not falling off his head, as the three girls standing around him laugh. 

“Dude, I don’t think you’re wearing it right. I mean, it’s like the fifth time it’s fallen off.” Eve remarks, stifling a giggle, and the annoyed boy glares at her. 

“I can’t believe this guy’s valedictorian, yet still doesn’t know how to wear a grad cap right.” Fabiola adds on, holding Eve close to her by the waist.

Devi yanks the grad cap from his hands, placing it carefully on top of his head in the right position. He tilts his head in different angles, testing it out, and sighs in relief when it doesn’t fall off. 

She smirks, crossing her arms. “And this is exactly why I won valedictorian.”

“I did too!” He retorts, pouting, and Devi blows a raspberry, pinching his nose. 

“I was the first choice.” She boasts, and he rolls his eyes, but his mouth is still curved upwards. 

“Guess who’s _your_ first choice, though,” He whispers, as he pulls her closer to his body by the waist, and she yelps in surprise. “Look at you, so sure of yourself like always.” She snarks, but there’s a hint of fondness in her voice, as she looks up at him with half-lidded eyes.

“How can I not, when I have such an amazing girlfriend-”

“Guys! Please! Have some respect for the single.” Eleanor exclaims, voice shrill. 

“You interrupted me before I could finish! I was going to joke about how I’m a better boyfriend.” Ben whines, and Devi smacks his chest. 

A week after prom, Eleanor crashed at Ben’s place and emptied all the ice cream in his fridge, as she cried about how she felt her relationship with Oliver wasn’t working out. She complained about how he was a great person, but that she didn’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, and that she didn’t know how to tell him without hurting his feelings.

That night, she begged Ben for advice, since he was happily dating Devi, asking him about what to do, and after basking at someone finally asking him for relationship advice, he told her to follow what he's always believed in. Direct communication.

And so, the next Monday, Eleanor pulled Oliver aside and told him everything she felt, honestly. He surprisingly agreed, and they broke up, but remained good friends. 

Unfortunately, Eleanor is a bit dramatic, and so even though a month has passed, she’s still wallowing about being single. 

“El, you broke up with him.”

“I'm not saying I miss him, I actually think I thrive being single. But no one likes watching gross PDA-”

“Hold up, Devi and I are gross? Really? Have you _seen_ Fab and Eve?” Ben says, pointing to the two, who are busy kissing each other’s hands. They don’t even notice that the focus has been shifted to them. 

“Whatever. I’m just looking forward to our road trip this weekend. We’re about to have so much fun, baby!” Eleanor says, pumping her fists in the air.

“Everyone bought what we needed, right?” Fabiola asks, finally paying attention.

“Yep. Blankets, tents, food, a map, a GPS, and alcohol- Devi’s request,” Eleanor pauses to squint at Devi, who lifts her hand up proudly. “But yeah. Is everyone else coming?”

Just then, Ben’s phone conveniently buzzes, and he slips it out of his pocket. Before he opens the Messages app, he smiles subconsciously at his wallpaper. It's a picture of him and the rest of his friends standing around his birthday cake (the party still ended up being a surprise since they had managed to convince him that they weren't going through with it anymore, when they actually were).

**Paxton:** _Hell yea, bud. You can count me and Becca in! We'll be back home by the end of Sunday, right_

The blue-eyed boy grins, as Devi peers over his shoulder curiously.

**Ben:** _Yeppp :D Eleanor selected a bunch of cool places to stop at during the trip. This is about to be a sick road trip! So glad you can make it_

**Paxton:** _Summer break is starting, so might as well live it up with y’all_

**Paxton:** _Eleanor’s the short haired girl, ryte? The one who’s good at acting? Lowkey siked that she’s coming ngl_

Ben exchanges a glance with Devi, who’s leaning her head on his shoulder, watching him text the other boy. “Why is he siked that she’s coming?” He asks, quietly, so that Eleanor won’t hear. Devi shrugs, a sly smirk on her face. “Do you think he’s interested…” She wags her eyebrows, and Ben widens his eyes in realization.

**Ben:** _Yeah… why are you siked 0.0_

**Paxton:** _Oh, for no reason lol. She's just kinda cute. And entertaining_

**Paxton:** _Wait Trent keeps on bugging me_

**Paxton:** _Dude sorry, I let it slip. Can Trent come?_

Ben groans, and Devi snickers. “Classic Trent.”

**Ben:** _Yeah, sure :D No weed allowed though_

He stuffs his phone back into his pocket, rejoining the conversation. “Yeah, Paxton, Trent, and Rebecca are coming. Actually, I only invited Pax and Becca, but I guess Trent’s joining too. Oh, Jonah, and one of Eve’s friends as well. I think that’s it.”

“You sure the Ford you rented can fit ten people?” Fabiola questions. She's clearly the most anxious about the road trip out of everyone.

“Easily.” Ben assures. 

Just then, Devi pulls on his arm, motioning towards the reminder on her phone. “Okay, it’s three. Devi and I have to go now. See y’all!”

“Bye! Meet us at the park with the Ford at 6 pm with everyone else. We’ll be leaving then!”

Ben groans. “Anything else, Mom?” He yells back, and Eleanor waves her fist in the air threateningly, before the two head off. 

* * *

He sits in the lobby, feeling weirdly overwhelmed by emotion. 

It’s the last time he’ll talk to the receptionist, the last time he’ll sit in these uncomfortable chairs, and pretend to be on his phone so that the people around him can stop staring. 

It’s his last session with Dr. Ryan.

Devi steps out from Dr. Ryan's office, and Ben gets up immediately. She seems a little sullen, a little wilted, and although she isn’t crying (she’s always been good at hiding her sadness more than her anger), one glance is all it takes for Ben to know what she’s feeling. 

“Hey,” He whispers, rubbing her arm comfortingly. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” She replies, biting her lip. “It’s just weird to imagine that I won’t be coming here anymore.”

“I know,” He says, and it’s the truth. If he’s feeling terrible and he's only been coming here for five months, then he can’t even _begin_ to imagine what Devi must be feeling. She's basically known Dr. Ryan for the entirety of her high school career. It must be a safe haven to her at this point in her life. 

“Ben?” The receptionist calls out, pointing to the door with a knowing, sad smile, and he nods. Before walking in, he observes how she’s still smiling, and thinks back to how weirded out he was that she was so happy on his first day here. Now, he realizes that her happiness is meant to be infectious, to cheer up the sad patients that sulk in the lobby. 

Dr. Ryan sits on her chair like usual, except this time, she seems oddly dejected. 

“Hey,” She greets the boy, who makes his way to the sofa. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Ben replies, curtly. He wasn’t expecting to feel this sorrowful, but sitting on this sofa knowing it’ll be the last time hurts more than he wants it to. So, he keeps his eyes glued to the floor, hoping it’ll make everything easier.

“So… how was graduation?”

“It was good.”

“Devi told me the speech you both wrote went great. Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“How are things with your parents?”

“They’re good.”

“Ben,” She exasperates, and he finally lifts his head to look at her. “You’re oddly quiet.”

His bottom lip quivers, as he observes her expression, which seems even more downcast than before. “I’m sorry, I just-” A tear escapes from his left eye, and glides down his cheek. “I just don’t want to say goodbye.”

He feels embarrassed and humiliated that he’s crying, but he can’t help it. During his first therapy session, he was miserable. Lonely. But now, he’s come so far, and it couldn’t have been possible without his amazing therapist. 

"I have something for you," He mumbles, as he digs his hand into his pocket, eventually pulling out a knitted thermos sleeve. "I made this for you, since you love drinking from that thing every session. Eleanor and Devi showed me some YouTube videos on easy knitting patterns. It's pretty basic, but, I made it with blue wool to match the color of your thermos."

She takes his creation from his hands in a gentle manner, looking at it in awe. Then, she sets her thermos down on the table, before sliding the sleeve onto it. 

He watches her pout, and twist the thermos in her hand, studying the messy knitting pattern as she twirls the cup in her fingers. Her gaze seems a little foggy, and Ben starts to worry. 

"I know, it's really bad. Sometimes the wool slipped off my needles, and so you can see tiny mess-ups. But Devi said it was good for a beginner, or something like that. Either way, if you don't like it, you totally don't have to use it-"

"Ben-"

"No, really, it's fine, I probably should have bought you one instead-"

"Ben!" Dr. Ryan shouts, with a tearful smile. "Stop rambling! My goodness... I love it. I love it! It's so cute. Thank you so much."

He sighs in relief, running a hand through his hair. Dr. Ryan gets up and smooths out her skirt, before taking a seat next to Ben. “You kids grow up so fast. I can’t believe you and Devi are already off to university…”

Ben can’t help but snort even while he’s crying. “You’ve only known me for five months.”

“I know, but it feels like forever.” She tuts, and pulls him into a hug. 

“I wish there was a way to stay here and still go to Princeton… I don’t want our sessions to end.” He admits into the crook of her shoulder.

She pulls away, wiping the tears away from his cheeks. “Can I be upfront with you? I don't think you need these sessions anymore. Here, let me ask you one question. I want you to answer honestly. Okay?”

He nods weakly. “Okay.”

“Do you still feel lonely?”

He doesn’t even have to think about the answer to that question. “No,” He responds, suppressing a grin. “I don’t.”

At this, she beams, smiling tearfully. “Then my job here is done.”

“Thank you, Dr. Ryan. Really, thank you so much. You helped me open up to people. You pushed me to be honest with my parents, and now they try to allot some time for me in their busy schedules. There are some nights when I’m alone, but for the first time, they’re _really_ trying. And my Dad didn’t flake on a basketball game for once!”

She grins. “Yes, you told me that last week. And does your Mom finally know that I'm Dr. Ryan, not Dr. Raymond?”

He purses his lips, drawing his eyebrows together. “She’s getting there.”

Dr. Ryan sighs. "Where's your friendship list?"

Ben smirks, shrugging. "Still on my bulletin board."

"Don't ever throw it away, okay? Keep it as a reminder for when things get rough, that you're strong and capable enough to do anything. The boy who bravely decided to befriend five people who had the worst first impression of him can pretty much take down any other struggle that comes his way."

He tries not to go all soft at her kind words, choosing to keep the mood light instead. "Okay. Should I frame it or something?"

She laughs, and then her expression turns sullen again. “I told Devi this too, but… if you ever need therapy again, hopefully I can offer some online counselling sometime in the future. So don’t ever delete my number from your phones, okay?”

Ben grabs Dr. Ryan’s hands, and squeezes it in assurance. “For sure.”

“You know, I would’ve expected Devi to cry instead of you. I mean, she’s been coming here longer…” She teases, and Ben groans in embarrassment, as he covers his face with a nearby pillow. 

“I assume that you’re the one who cries when characters in movies die?”

He peeks over the cushion, nodding slowly. “Yeah… she gets angry faster, I get sad faster.”

“A match made in heaven.” 

He rolls his eyes, but he likes hearing the compliment. 

After a few minutes of conversing, Dr. Ryan’s phone buzzes, a reminder of the hour being up. She turns the alarm off, taking a deep breath in. “So. Let me walk you out.”

Ben bites his lip, standing up with his knees a little weak, as he makes his way to the door. He hovers his hand over the doorknob, but he can’t muster the strength to twist it open. 

So he swivels around instead, facing a teary-eyed Dr. Ryan, and it makes his eyes sting again. 

“Thank you,” He whispers, earnestly. He doesn’t go into specifics- he’s unable to, because there are so many things he’s thankful to her for. “You saved me.”

She sighs, laughing softly. “You know, the first time I heard of you was from Devi. She told me about how annoying you were, and how you were her mean nemesis,” She pauses, clicking her tongue. “Clearly that opinion of hers has changed.” 

Ben snickers, cheeks going a little red. 

“So, I didn’t know what to expect of your character, of who you were when you first stepped into my office. But meeting you, being your therapist, and getting to know you as a person… I have to thank _you,_ Ben Gross. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get to know more about you, because you’re an amazing kid, and you have a golden heart and soul.”

He whimpers at the honesty laced in her voice, and crinkles his nose, trying to suck the tears threatening to leak out back up. “Goodbye, Dr. Ryan.”

She shakes her head, crossing her arms. “Uh, I don't think so. It’s never goodbye, Ben. Good luck with university. See you again, whenever that time may come.”

He musters a lopsided grin, finally twisting the doorknob open. “You're right. See you next time.” He says, with a quivering voice, before walking out. 

Devi stands near the front desk, chatting to the cheery receptionist. She lightens up when she catches Ben in her sight, and saunters over to where he’s dumbly standing. Her grin falls, though, when she notices his demeanor. 

“Oh no, you totally cried.” She says, a little teasingly, but her eyes are filled with concern. 

“Yeah.” He answers, pouting.

She flips her hair over her shoulder, circling an arm around his waist. “You’re such a softie.”

He scoffs in mock-offense, poking her arm. “It’s better to be a softie than a hothead.” He retorts, and she rolls her eyes, snickering. 

They wave goodbye to the receptionist, and take one last look at the lobby, before stepping out of the building with a smile on their faces.

While he waits for Devi to secure her seat belt, he stares out the car window, trying to imprint the front view of _Sherman Oaks Therapy Heals Counselling Services_ in his head for the last time. 

It’s crazy to imagine how miserable and alone he felt the first time he got dropped off here, and he remembers how simply reading the words _counselling services_ made his blood boil. He remembers how frustrated he felt, with the sense of not belonging here.

He's glad that he can now laugh at how childish he was. Now, Ben is grateful to therapy. He didn’t realize that all he needed was to be able to talk to someone, to get advice from someone. Going to therapy helped him make amazing friends. It helped him figure out his feelings towards Devi. And most of all, it helped him talk to his parents honestly, for the first time in his life. 

“Ready to go?” Devi asks, raising an eyebrow.

Ben tears his gaze off the building, and twists the car key, revving it up. “Ready than ever, babe.”

* * *

“Woo, you guys are finally here!”

Ben sticks his head out the window of the rented Jeep, a smirk on his face. “Come on, guys! Get in already! We have to get to our first pit stop before the sun sets. We don't want to force our poor driver to navigate in the dark, do we?”

“That’s only because you’re driving,” Devi mutters from where she’s sitting in the passenger seat, and Ben side-eyes her, before jamming the button that unlocks every door. 

The ten spend minutes arguing over who gets what seat, before Ben breaks them up, and assigns everything instead. 

“So. There are two seats in the front, which Devi and I are taking. The two seats behind us will be occupied by- drumroll please,” He pauses, and waits for everyone to start banging the seats rhythmically before continuing. “Rebecca and Jonah!”

The two rejoice as they climb in, and the rest whine. “Why the hell do they get front seats?” Eleanor asks, and Ben peers through the open car door. “Because they’re the least annoying. I’d prefer not to get a headache while driving for four hours straight. When you're driving tomorrow, you can put me in the back as revenge. Okay?”

She scoffs, stomping her foot like a toddler. “But Devi gets to sit beside you? Come on, you know better than anyone how annoying she is!”

“Hey, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about!” Ben yells, and Devi grins proudly, but then he leans further away from her, smirking. “Of course she’s annoying, but I’ve gotten desensitized to it- ow!”

Devi smacks his chest, clenching her jaw, as the rest laugh. “I heard that!” She exclaims defensively, but she’s smiling. 

“Okay, anyways… The three seats in the middle will be occupied by Paxton, Trent, and… Eleanor.”

Paxton looks a little too happy at this, to which Ben and Devi exchange smug glances at, while simultaneously observing the obvious blush that washes over Eleanor’s face. Paxton takes the right side, and Eleanor takes a seat next to him, but then Trent plops himself in the middle, eliciting a grumble from the girl. 

“Way to be a total cockblock, dude.” Devi mutters under her breath, and Ben hears it, high-fiving his girlfriend for the witty comment. 

“Okay. So, this leaves the last three- Eve, Fab, and Eve’s friend, Tricia- for the back. Is everyone happy with the seating assignments?”

“Yes.” They respond, some excitedly, some not so excitedly. 

“So that means I won’t hear any complaining for the next four hours, right?”

“No promises,” Eleanor grumbles, but when Paxton laughs at her comment, she seems less grumpy.

“Okay, guys. Everyone has their cellphones on them, correct? Cellphone chargers, enough clothes for two nights and the things you were assigned to bring are in your backpacks, right?” Devi asks, taking the lead when she notices Ben's voice become hoarse, and everyone nods.

“And all these backpacks are in the trunk?”

Everyone nods again, but Fabiola frowns. “Wait, can I double check-”

Devi groans, shaking her head. “Fab. No. You do this every time we leave for somewhere. It’s just your anxiety.”

Fabiola shrugs, nodding. “Got it.”

“Okay, guys. Let’s go!” 

The minivan erupts in conversation, as their friends chatter with one another. Ben starts the car, but before he can step on the accelerator, Devi grabs his arm. 

“Ben,” She says, smiling softly. “This is about to be really fun.”

“I know,” He nods, intertwining his fingers with hers. “Well, it better be. It took five family dinners to convince your Mom to let you come with us.”

Devi bangs her head against the headrest lightly, recalling the amount of struggling it took. “I know! We’re lucky that she likes you better than me.”

“Of course she does, why wouldn’t she? I’m an amazing future son-in-law.”

Devi widens her eyes, giggling. “Woah, chill out. You’re getting a little too ahead of yourself there!”

Ben shrugs, smirking. “It’ll happen sometime in the far future.”

Suddenly, she bores her eyes into his. “Have I ever told you how proud I am of you? It was extremely brave of you to do this whole friendship list thing. I mean, it’s one thing to say you’re going to do something, but it’s much harder to _actually_ go through with it.”

He squeezes her hand, and leans in to place a quick peck on her lips. “It was hard… but I’m glad I went through with it. I mean, if I didn’t, I don’t think I'd be sitting here right now, with such amazing people…”

“Ditto on that.”

“Ditto? Do people still say that, David?”

“Shut up, Gross.”

“You mean babe?”

“Well, _babe_ , that was gross.”

“Uh, guys?” Fabiola yells from the back. “Are we going to get on the road yet? We’re fifteen minutes behind schedule.”

Devi lets go of Ben’s hand, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she goes to secure her seat belt, a pink tint grazing her cheeks.

“Bro. Benny Boy! Who gets the aux?” Paxton asks, and then suddenly, everyone starts raising their hands, trying to convince Ben to give their music playlist a chance.

Ben stares at the loud commotion of all of his friends laughing and arguing with each other, a warm feeling erupting from his chest, radiating throughout. At the beginning of high school, Ben was convinced that he’d end up going through senior year alone, eating lunch alone, spending his free time after school alone. 

He was convinced that he’d accept his diploma without anyone cheering for him, and that he’d stand in the crowd alone. 

He was convinced that he’d spend his summer alone, cooped up in his house, and that he’d go to Yale, to spend four more depressing years of his life _alone._

_Alone._

But his senior year ended up going nothing like that.

He spent the second half of twelfth grade making genuine, loving friends with similar interests as his, he ate lunch with these friends, he spent his free time after school hanging out with them, texting or calling them (when he wasn't studying, of course, although they did have far too many study sessions together).

He accepted his diploma with people cheering in the crowd for him, he gave a speech to the grade with Devi, who he can call his _girlfriend_ now, he stood in the crowd holding her hand, and threw his grad cap in the air with all his friends around him.

Now, he’s about to embark on a crazy weekend road trip at the brink of July (El’s idea, of course), with people he considers to be his second family, and at the start of September, he’ll be going to Princeton with Devi, and he’ll spend plenty more years of his life studying law by her side, meeting up with his other friends often, and hopefully making more future acquaintances along the way.

He cannot believe that he was wrong.

Even his parents, who he thought would never be able to make time for him, started to do that. He managed to go to a Lakers game with his dad seated beside him, and he even cooked a casserole with his mother and Patty just a week ago.

After years of living through what would pass as an absolute _nightmare,_ Ben Gross is finally happy. At last, he's able to surely say, with all his heart and soul, that he’s _happy_. It’s a miracle that he thought could never happen, _would_ never happen.

Ben usually likes to be right, but for once in his life... he’s never been more ecstatic to have been _wrong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if ur reading this... congrats! you made it to the end. hope that ending was gratifying enough hehe. tysm for reading <3 i hope you guys are taking care and staying safe! bye bye :(

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed reading this, i'd love it if you could leave kudos, and even better, a comment (i always reply!) :D it would make me very, very happy (and ben gross even happier) <3


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